First time therapy session

2 days ago, I had a therapy session with my new psychiatrist. Even though I didn’t believe in such therapies, I just thought I should try it out. When I got there I was escorted to this small room with chair and sofa which is convenient for 2 people talking. But they got me waited for almost 40 minutes. During that time, they had me filled this application asking “Why did you go to psychiatrist” which my answer was “I don’t really know, maybe I have little depress”. 40 minutes later the psychiatrist came and we started talking. She was calm looking woman in her mid 30s or something, and her eyes were staring directly at me while I was talking on the phone. Then she started asking me questions like “Where do you live” “Who do you live with?” “Why did you come here?” which I answered nicely. I was really open to those questions and answered honestly and openly. After about 20 mins of talking she said I was undervaluing myself. To that I said, I don’t undervalue myself at all. I actually think I’m a superman which makes me stressed because I can’t seem to operate at that level now. Then she asked me “How do you think about yourself? and what is your value?” which I couldn’t give answer. I guess I do undervalue or don’t value myself at all. Then she asked me about my childhood and how is my relationship with my stepdad, and how do you feel about your deceased father. I don’t have any emotions with my stepdad. And I said I do think sometimes about my biological dad who is dead now, and how my life would be If he is alive today. But then suddenly I started crying like a baby when she asked what did you wish to have when i was kid, what did I lack? I always tried to look strong and okay. I always tried my best to look okay and perfect. She said that I’m a 25 year old boy who wants to look much older than he really is. She said I’m trying hard to show dad figure at your age. And I always worry about future all the time that I lost my “Present Telmuun” That I agree because I never really had calm and happy time in last several years. Then she said some interesting facts. She said people fill their unconscious mind when they are 3–6 years old. It is filled when we were little kids. Since that, people directs that thing outwards. It is already filled in the case of happy child. And I have filled that mind with love from my mother, sister, and grandparents. I really did grow up in so much love. People tends to try to search themselves from outside, from elsewhere. But truly what you really are, who you are inside is defined in our childhoods. Other thing that was interesting was that this emotional bubble should be half empty in normal people’s case. But some for some people this bubble is full because they don’t let their feelings out. When it is half empty, feelings and information should come in and gets processed and becomes normal action. But when it’s full, because there is no room to be processed, It slides out really quick so it becomes reaction rather than action. These reactions might be crying, frustration, anger or something else that is not normal function. Because of that, I don’t perceive from surroundings, I don’t process information, I don’t get excited with compliments because I think it’s a lie, I don’t feel it when someone expresses their feelings to me, I don’t get delight out of everyday procedures - I don’t get pleasure from good food, favorite products (I don’t even have a favorite product) and good sex. I just don’t get the juiciness out of life, and that is pathetic. Anyways, I didn’t get frustrated or mad when I heard it from my psychiatrist because I know that most of them are true, and I have been observing that, analyzing them. I will have another therapy session in this saturday. I’m looking forward to meet with her and talk with her. Because I know that it is the right thing to do at this moment.

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