Your snacks aren’t spooky, they’re psychotic.

Photo by sumaia alzadjali

Since I was a kid, I have ingested every Martha Stewart-esque magazine targeted toward domestic persons. And every October, I am horrified by the recipe section:

*Impress your friends with a Bundt cake in the shape of your central nervous system!

*Your neighbors will have so much fun munching on the innards of a mummified cat, they’ll forget that it’s sauerkraut!

*Use green dye to make your deviled eggs look rotten and possessed by the spirit of Beelzebub!

*Feed your kids cataract-infected eyeballs. Hehe-don’t worry. They’re grapes!

I’ll gladly sip a ghost out of my latte or bake jack-o-lantern sugar cookies. But we’ve taken things too far.

I get it. This is America. It’s Halloween. Without the full confidence that you’ve out-spooked the entire cul-de-sac, your street cred as both cool parent and pumpkin-humping patriot lays at considerable risk.

But too often, I’ve witnessed this disturbing scene:

“Um, Beatrice? You have severed fingers in your…


If you can listen through the end, you’re fearless. But past number 10, you’re on your own.

Death Playing the Violin by Frans Francken the Younger. A 17th century painting featuring a music-playing skeleton
Death Playing the Violin by Frans Francken the Younger. A 17th century painting featuring a music-playing skeleton
Frans Francken the Young-Death Playing the Violin

Spooky season is here again and it’s time to celebrate!

Classical music archives are rich with compositions that make festive backdrops for the month of October. In general, I’m actually piss-terrified of Halloween. But I love many of the colorful autumnal scores associated with it. This year, consider turning Monster Mash off repeat and give Classical Music Halloween a shot. I dare ya.

I’ve arranged this playlist in three sections that get progressively scarier. My fellow fraidy-cats should stick to the earlier tracks…


Some people are not natural born sellers…

a woman in yellow holds her head in frustration as she talks into a telephone
a woman in yellow holds her head in frustration as she talks into a telephone
Photo by Ava Sol

ME: Good day! Would you like to place an ad in our very successful phone book?

PROSPECT: Oh, sure.

ME: Excellent, and which category should I list your business under?

PROSPECT: Kiss my ass.

ME: That’s not a category.

*click*

ME: That’s not a category, sir….

ME: Hey Jim. You don’t know me, but I pulled your auto repair shop from the reverse directory then stalked photos of your hot grandson, Caleb, on your Facebook business page for three hours. So really, Jim. I feel like we already know each other.

PROSPECT: Grandpa…


Everybody is guilty of altering their personas. Paris should feel free to use her “Barbie” voice if and whenever it pleases her.

Eva Rinaldi / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)

Fans of Paris Hilton couldn’t help but notice that when the YouTube documentary, This Is Paris dropped on September 14th, so did the influencer’s voice. It’s been received as a shock that she has been “faking” a high pitched, baby voice for her public persona for years.

But there is nothing shocking about this reveal. Think of the last time you talked on the phone with your distant aunt or went up…


A floodgate of invaluable soft skills has burst open-and companies should take advantage.

Two flight attendants rush to their next destination
Two flight attendants rush to their next destination
Photo by Naitian(Tony) Wang

March 2020 claimed a string of sudden casualties. An outbreak of tornadoes ravaged Nashville. An outbreak of Biden votes fell the presidential paths of Democratic primary nominees, one by one. And the most obvious outbreak of 2020 crippled a once thriving industry, seemingly overnight.

Covid-19 has left the travel industry scrambling to make passengers feel safe onboard. Airlines have altered service, blocked seats, enforced masks, and more recently, introduced antimicrobial bins at some TSA checkpoints in an effort to woo their customers back into confidence.

But regardless…

Clare Czechowicz

a silly billy

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