LEAKED: Paul Ryan’s Diary Entry After Trumpcare Fail
I don’t even know what happened. Donny issued an ultimatum, but it totally failed! And now everyone is all up in my grill saying this whole mess is my fault. So unfair!
I really thought we had something awesome with the American Health Care Act…
Ok, not awesome, but pretty ok. If you didn’t actually read it, it was awesome. As Spicy so excellently pointed out, it was way skinnier than Obamacare. And when we talked to the Freedom Caucus (more like Freedom Cocks!) about it, we totally thought they’d be happy. Just listen to some of these provisions:
Everyone with a pre-existing condition was guaranteed health coverage! We defined a “pre-existing condition” as any of the following: impotence, alopecia, restless leg syndrome, over-active prostate, kidney stones, or a hernia. All other “conditions” we renamed “earned life consequences” and left out of the guarantee.
Then there was the whole kids being covered ’til they turn 26 thing. We were gonna revoke that on March 20, 2032. (The fact that March 20, 2032, is Barron Trump’s twenty-sixth birthday was so not relevant. Anyone who claims otherwise is spreading fake news. Don-Don will totally vouch for me on that.)
When it came to women’s health, we really tried to make things equal, because I have a wife and a daughter, so I totally get feminism.
We made it so that lady health premiums wouldn’t be any more expensive than dudes’. Our secret? We kept premiums down by taking out coverage for reproductive health. Women really don’t need that stuff, anyway, because when the babycenter encounters legitimate health issues, the female body has ways to shut the whole thing down.
We also took away coverage for abortions and contraception, because I legit believe that all human life is precious.
On a completely unrelated note, we dicked over poor people, because they’re gross.
Diary, Trumpcare was all about freedom of choice. You were free to choose your doctor. You were free to choose your plan. If you couldn’t afford a plan, you were free to become rich so you could finance a campaign to win a seat in the House and get access to the Congressional health plan. (Which is sweet, by the way. They recently added PTSD coverage in response to all those bitchy town hall meetings.)
Trumpcare was endorsed by a lot of people, too. We were backed by the North American Guild of Morticians, the Association of Funeral Directors, and Crematoriums of America.
See? It was a totally awesome plan!
I wanted to add a provision that said you’d be denied any subsidies if you owned an iPhone or a refrigerator, but my House bros wouldn’t go for it. Maybe if they had, everything would be different…
I hate the Democrats, and I hate the OMB, and I hate the Freedom Caucus. At least I’ve still got the Trumpster on my side.
… He is still on my side, right?
I hope he doesn’t get Russia to hack me. Time to eat my feelings…
Don’t worry — I’ll double my leg and ab workout tomorrow to make up for it.
Until tomorrow, xoxo,