I Am Here- a monologue in an abused mind.
I wanted to throw myself off a cliff (metaphorically), so I thought of one of my greatest fears- acting.
I came across an acting Masterclass at Soho House with Matthew Corozine. The next two hours were transformative. Matthew asked us what we were leaving behind that day, I said “keeping myself small”. That response floored him and he subsequently made me stand in front of the class for what soon became a moment lost in time. When he focused his attention on me, I was caught. My subconscious absorbed his every word and he quickly broke me open in what could only be described as an Oprah moment. I don’t remember what I said, but knew I was suddenly crying. I was transparent and defenseless to his keen instinct. A gift, where he sees through you, pulls out your pain, insecurity, fear, etc, then holds it right in front of you until you see it too. I spoke with him after class and committed to a month of acting class.
One of our assignments was to write a two page monologue, memorize it and present it to class. Literally, my worst nightmare. Something inside of me took over. I wrote the majority of the monologue on the 15 minute subway ride home. I tapped deep into a voice that had been waiting to tell it’s side of our story for years. My soul took the stage, I was just the body.
This is that version. This is what I was experiencing internally as I endured an abusive relationship in my twenties. The police removed this person from my life, I suffered from PTSD and then became a trained advocate. I am sharing this as an advocate and survivor during October Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
I AM HERE
I moved from LA to New York with this light and drive as if life was magical. I was going to be fabulous, a force in the fashion industry like I had long imagined. And It was working.
Suddenly, he was right in front of me. I traced his dark abs under the soft white cotton tee, up along the gold chains to see his pillowy lips and dark black Raybans. We were complete strangers.
He was consistent, finally! He paid attention to me, wanted to be with me all of the time. He loved me, protected me, his strong arms constantly around me, standing taller than the rest.
Then one day, his words changed. They were mean and full of demands and insults….
“Get rid of that shit” pointing to a simple pimple on my cheek. Centimeters away.
“You better put that on or I’m not walking with you.” referring to one coat of lipgloss.
I fought back. I knew who I was, what I was worth. How dare he say such things to me!
The words became stronger. “Nobody will ever love you”. “Don’t speak unless spoken to.” “NOBODY, can stop me.”
The days and fights became longer, until I always found myself on the floor. Like a lifeless ball, deflating before the world.
I often thought to myself,
Where did I go?
I would run, but somehow never get away. People watched us and nobody would save me, over and over again.
Then, I became consistent. I obeyed his every command, surrendered to every sexual fight, eroded with every word.
When I always let him back in I would ask myself,
WHERE did I go?
January 2008, he was excited to see me after time apart for the holidays. It was late, Something was off, but I just couldn’t fight.
The next morning I couldn’t find my subway card, which was in a brown leather handbag with a large gold buckle. I didn’t have time. I would have to figure it out later.
Later, rippled through my body like an earthquake.
A voicemail, from the SVU team that must have been a mistake.
“Ma’am, are you missing anything?”
That brown leather collection handbag with a…..
“Large gold buckle? Ma’am you need to come to the station immediately.”
The trembling began as my foundation started to crack.
I sat in an interrogation room, like the ones in Law & Order SVU. Cue the montage- a thick folder, his mugshot, my missing handbag. Pieces of a sexual crime, that took place in my apartment, with his body and a terrified woman.
Glass shattering, buildings burning, the earth cracking open. I crumbled. Panic, anger, fear; the shaking just wouldn’t stop.
I SCREAMED.
AGAIN, cue the montage- police, guns drawn, body searches, illegal keys, a Bible, stripped sheets, used condoms, a broken necklace, my own voice from somewhere so deep that my ears blocked it out due to sheer terror.
Then, silence, except for a very faint voice that whispered “thank you, God”.
I collapsed, completely deflated. It was over, at least his part.
One timeless night, a man said something that I can’t remember. I was already drunk and found myself running home, crying.
I hysterically flung my apartment door open, and stopped in front of a mirror. I looked at my reflection. I studied the streaks of black staining my cheeks.
I looked directly into HER eyes…
Where did I go?!
I picked up a glass of white wine, careful not to take my eyes off of her. I had a mission she couldn’t distract me from.
I poured muscle relaxers into my palm until I couldn’t count. I looked deep into the blackness of her wide pupils. My breathe started to relax, like a spell washed over me.
My other hand suddenly swept away the pills, except for 5- 6- 8?
I looked at her, filled her mouth and took a drink. I watched her simply stare back, knowing full well what just happened.
Then I put her to bed.
I woke up. My first thought, I’m alive. Second thought, my boss has a meeting. I went to work.
WHERE DID I GO?
My body wasn’t mine. It existed purely for for destruction.
My mind wasn’t mine. I had no thoughts.
I had no reflection, not even in mirrored elevator doors.
There was no time, no space, no direction for days, months, years.
WHERE DID I GO?!!
It was 2:33am, I awoke to a call. It was the hospital.
I quickly dressed and was whisked away by a black towncar. I had a trained mission.
I checked in to the nurses’ station, rounded the corner stopping just shy of a closed white door.
I took a breathe. (Audible)
Suddenly, I was right in front of her. WE were complete strangers. Her face so blackened and swollen she couldn’t open her eyes or move her lips.
I asked permission to hold her hand…and I said,
I am here.
If you want to experience the mastery that Matthew has created in his classes- checkout Matthew Corozine: https://www.matthewcorozinestudio.com/.
