5 Commandments for the Serial Dater
Ah, the summer air. Sweet with the aroma of wet hot garbage and horny hoe-dom. For those that can’t stand the idea of monogamy, summertime is the key to catch them all (hopefully not STD’s too) before night chills and cuddle buddy syndrome sets in. But even when we snag a few, we’re still unsatisfied.
And for those that are actively searching for the right one (forever), there’s the problem of distraction. While we may have found someone we think is great, we’re constantly seeking the slightest hint of a red flag, arming ourselves for the eventual downfall with backup opportunities. Perpetually in search, we fail to savor the buds of a new beginning and are ready to jump ship at a moment’s notice.
Could it be due to technology? Or the shortened attention span we’ve adopted from it? Could it be the fact that we’re so unsure of what we want that we find it harder to decide what’s right for us?
In the same way that God penned commandments to ensure peace amongst his people, I come bearing a shorter list to ease your indecisiveness. While these tips may not lead you into the arms of a significant other, they’ll at least provide guidance when wading through the digital dating scene.
Thou Shalt Not Swipe In The Office
Most dating apps focus on location in order to remove one of the pains of relationship building — distance. As beneficial as this feature is, there’s a higher chance you’ll run into someone you know (aka your lonely coworker or the trainer at your local gym) in your matches. Accidental right swipes or roast-worthy screenshots can bring on embarrassment for all as well as lower your level of professionalism.
Thou Shalt Be Patient
They haven’t texted you back yet and it’s been a solid… 3 minutes. Instant regret for engaging in the conversation emerges and you become worrisome that they have already found someone else. Chill. The. Fuck. Out. We all need time to relieve ourselves, grab a meal, talk to others IRL, and simply live outside of the rectangular window of our devices. They always (usually) text back.
Thou Shalt Stay Focused
What is so important that you must check your phone every few seconds? It’s a growing, annoying habit and to minimize its impact, turn your phone off temporarily or dig it so deep in the folds of your bag that you’ll have to pull out an embarrassing bundle of tampons/condoms to get it. Like your meditation app says, stay in the present.
Thou Shalt Rid Herself Of Becky Behavior
Becky is that chick that slept with your boyfriend/fiance/husband. Becky is the home — or more accurately, the studio apartment — wrecker, who gives zero fucks and tons of STDs. If this is you, so be it. But if you’re trying to make real connections, just remember, karma is a B-I-T-C-H, and you’ll end up on the wrong side one day.
Thou Shalt Not Stalk Your Ex
You’ve moved on, you tell your friends, you tell yourself. And then you end up on Facebook scouring through your ex’s recent photos, comments, and check-ins. You run yourself into a downward mental spiral trying to keep tabs on someone who you adamantly proclaimed dead. Realize that light/moderate stalking is just as bad as showing up at their apartment and hiding in the bushes to see who they’re bringing home. You’ll only find out things you’d have rather not known about.
Today’s dating climate is not just full of thirsty men claiming that you’re ‘beautiful’ or ‘need to smile’. While these may be the loudest voices, there still remain a few good ones. The less we cherry pick dating options from crappy apps, the more we can focus on the pretty balanced selection presented to us daily. In real life.
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