Reactive Abuse: Men In My Life
Men don’t fucking listen.
There are exceptions to the rule, and I don’t really truly fully believe that statement, but the relevance it holds to my life is too strong to ignore.
Getting out of this last relationship has shown me that I am a strong, independent woman. But not really.
Let’s sum up: For the last two and a half years, I lived with my boyfriend. My boyfriend was an impeccable example of “highs and lows”. My boyfriend praised my strength, played up his love for me, told me that he saw great things in my future. He also said he never loved me, would explode at simple questions, berate me for my various traits of character. Every time I hung out with another man, he would joke, pry and ask if I had cheated on him. My boyfriend would constantly curse at me, and call me names. An actual message exchange in my phone I’m looking at:
Sunday 11:28PM: Get the fuck outside now!!
Where the fuck are you
Monday 9:33AM: You are a beautiful sunrise
You are fabulous
My ex boyfriend refused to listen to me. When I would ask for something, he would offer something else. When I expressed disgust that someone who refused to have contact with me was staying at our house, he told me to get over it. To be fair, almost any time I felt some way about some thing, he would tell me to get over it. Constantly, he would refuse to take me seriously. I know this is partially due to how our society is constructed. I know this is due to how he was raised.
Growing up, my father was the “lesser” of the evils. My mother is an alcoholic and she tried to physically hurt me many times, was always “to” wherever we went. My father is the “lesser” evil because his father was an alcoholic who went to jail and physically hurt his mother many times. My father isn’t evil at all because he provides a roof over our head and food in our mouths. You may already know this is a form of emotional abuse. To tell a child that all they deserve are necessities is heinous. To tell a child that they do not deserve to be listened to or loved, is foul. Steal my idea for the book title Bare Minimum Parenting, and I’ll eat you alive.

I had only had six months break from living with my father to living with my ex, but within those six months I lived with 3 strangers: an abusive man (and 2 other men, not abusive, all found on Craigslist) who just didn’t have as much emotional control over me.
I entered back into the situation of emotional abuse that I had grown up in when I moved in with my ex boyfriend.
As a child (the oldest child at that), I did “talk back” (see quote above). And that never ended well. Recently, my youngest sibling told me that after years of watching, he learned to “shut up”.
Timidly, I “talked back” to my ex. I was shut down many times in many ways. How didn’t I recognize it?
As a child, I wasn’t allowed to “hit back” when I was spanked by my mother. I wasn’t allowed to talk back to either of my parents when they refused to listen to me.
As an adult, I bravely “stood up for myself” while living with my ex boyfriend. But this does not end well when you are an adult. I physically stood up for myself. I hit back with my fists because I felt rage inside of me that had been there for years. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bear feeling contained in something I wasn’t able to understand, so eerily familiar. Words that had hit and hurt me for years came right back.
What I realized, upon receiving the text message, “Play nice or I’ll tell [Management] that the apartment is available [now]”, is that I entered this relationship timidly. Everything clicked: I had been constantly tolerant of his empty threats toward me. Before this message, he had truncated how long I was staying at our respective home; a deadline set for my livelihood.
When I met my ex, I was playing with the idea of polyamory. I was communicating with a couple of people I was in love with that I was sleeping with other people. I don’t think they all knew I loved them. And of course, I wasn’t calling it polyamory, I was using words that I knew. My ex lied to me, told me that he was sleeping with people when he wasn’t. He did this to impress me, and boy will I tell you now that lying is a huge red flag. Always will be. Eventually, I realized he was not okay with the arrangement, and I adjusted myself to his needs. I shirked from being myself and went back to being timid for him.
In October of last year, he was officially done with us physically abusing each other. At one point he pushed my chest so hard, I had to go to the hospital because I had issues breathing the following day. It was getting out of hand.
I fed into the terrible situation that ensued when I lived with my ex boyfriend, and I feel horrible for it. I completed a full year of the Seeking Safety program. He couldn’t afford therapy, but also made no efforts to change as I educated him through my sessions. He doesn’t feel horrible about anything. For every time he apologized, he dumped me. For every time he apologized, he told me I wasn’t worth his time, love or effort.
This article title is very cisnormative, but I promise there is a reason for that. Systematically, men need to realize that they are more prone to emotionally abusing women because of power structures in place. Men need to realize that women must be heard. Just as in situations of racism, prejudice, oppression, we need to listen to those that suffer from injustice in the present tense. Another reason: I would like to show the timeline of how I grew up with emotional abuse, and was unable to fight back. Then of course, upon living with emotional abuse again, I fought back with all my might in utter confusion.
I say this because, I am unable to tell the two men in my life the impressive amount of emotional abuse they put me through. More importantly, I am unable to tell my father as he will take out my criticism on my younger siblings, eventually (I’ve already suggested therapy, and got: “I’m set in my ways”). In the meantime, I can only wait and hope that he will understand I can’t be myself around him and was never able to.
Regardless of cisnormativity and social hierarchies, I hope this article brings to light some of the tactics of emotional abuse. Anyone can be a victim (and then possible abuser in return), whether it is within friendship (we are not even going to go INTO how many emotionally abusive and manipulative friendships I’ve had), relationship, or blood. I also hope this article helps readers understand how emotional abusers can put you in mental submission. They will cry and whine as SOON as you react to their abuse, and find joy in your sadness and anger. They will cause you to create a myriad of defense mechanisms.
If I do anything of substance with my life, it will be to make amends and continue to learn. I am so ashamed I hurt someone that I loved and lived with. I want those around me to know that they are worth my time, love and effort. I want my friends and lovers to know that I will listen to them. This may be the most difficult for me, as due to this previous relationship I learned to start suppressing memories depending on the situation.
I have never felt so free and happy. I will never abuse again. I will never conform to someone else’s abuse again. I am strong, loved and loving. I love many and I love deliberately and fully.
Special thanks to Atalaya Watts and many others for consistently telling me that I deserved better.
