Do they Give Out Medals Just for Watching the Olympics?

Image via Bossfight

I say the same thing every fours years (every 2 years if you count the winter games): I’m getting too old for this. My endurance isn’t what it used to be. It has taken all of my strength and perseverance just to make it to the 17th day of this year’s Olympics — and I’m not even an athlete or a coach; I’m just watching on TV. Along the way I’ve endured sleeplessness, anxiety, weight gain, and a complete loss of productivity.

I’m a momentary expert on at least 20 sports. Just test me. Yes, I know the IM order; and of course it’s different on the relay. Duh! I can tell you if a 2 1/2 summersault, full-twist dive in the pike-position is likely to score in the 4s, or closer to the 8s (oh! That’s quite a bit of splash on entry!). More than once in the past 17 days I’ve said, “That’s a 10th of a point deduction for the hop on the dismount.” Yes, the épée is the heaviest of the 3 weapons.

What am I going to do with all this stuff inside my head come Monday morning?

In addition to the sport, like you, I’ve also endured the commercials. The same ones hundreds of times. I really had no idea there was 0.2 milligrams of gold inside all of us. That was a really interesting tidbit…the first few times I heard it. I didn’t know Chevy built elevators. Marco Polo rode a white lama? The BMW i3 is made out of old coke bottles? Maybe the two companies should have gotten together some we could be spared at least one commercial. And United flew…enough said. I should get a medal just for watching 17 days of the same commercials.

Sure, I could have turned it off. I did go to bed early one night and guess what happened? Disaster! The beach volleyball team lost in the semis all because I wasn’t watching. This certainly cost me gold medal for fandom. The best I can hope for now is the bronze. To make up for it, the next day I watched the marathon open water swim via Internet streaming. It was nearly 2 hours long without a commercial break! I had to pee so bad but I couldn’t look away. It came down to a 6-wide sprint with 100 meters to go. I was mesmerized.

Can you believe the Equestrian Jumping came down to a six-man jump off? Do you think Boomer can hear anything through those ear muffs? I wonder why the men’s hurdle race is longer than the women’s? Did Andy Murray just cry? The silver medal in men’s foil was so exciting. OMG, that dive in the women’s 400 was better than Tom Daley’s. LochMess! Neymar!!

I need a rest.

Send the bronze please.

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