Why ‘man-up’ can lead to ‘man-down, and the flexible masculinity response

As men’s mental health week approaches, this is a great opportunity to focus on what we believe to be a particularly toxic influence on men’s psychological wellbeing; the concept of ‘man-up’. A man-up approach to mental adversity encourages the use of ineffective strategies that can contribute to the development and exacerbation of distress and ill health. We also cover an alternative, which we advocate through The Flexible Men Project called ‘flexible masculinity’.

Man-up!!

Man-up suggests pulling oneself together, soldiering on in the face of adversity while ignoring or distracting yourself from difficult thoughts, emotions and physical (physiological) sensations. This approach usually demands a robotic-like demeanour, estranged from uncomfortable emotional experiences in line with an outdated, largely Western masculine ideal (sometimes referred to as ‘hegemonic’ or ‘toxic’ masculinity).

Western society is increasingly expecting men to drop this approach and become more open, aware and communicative about emotions and psychological health. Despite this, abandoning man-up will be a tough ask for men who are heavily invested in masculinities which underpin this mindset. What’s more, people in general find it difficult to unlearn well-rehearsed emotional responses.

The path to man-down

The goal of a man-up approach is often the control or elimination of painful emotions in service of idealised but ultimately mythical masculinities. Man-up is of limited value because difficult emotions are inevitable, normal, and even essential to our functioning and survival. Our brain is hard-wired to generate these emotional ‘signals’, and we risk missing the important information they convey when in man-up mode. What’s more, suppressing or avoiding uncomfortable emotions usually has little impact on our experience of them, consumes our thinking energy, impairs memory, and leads to isolation from others (1). No longer are stress, anger, anxiety or low mood shared experiences. Indeed, some theories place emotional avoidance at the heart of serious psychological difficulties (2).

In being unaware of the above points, men may conclude that they have ‘failed’ to man-up when unable to banish difficult emotions. Not only does this create additional psychological suffering, but this perspective may feed a vicious cycle of increasing distress and isolation when men double-down on the man-up strategy and cannot see that this ‘solution’ is actually part of the problem.

Going in a different direction

An alternative to man-up involves the encouragement of ‘flexible’ masculinity and coping. Here, men are not asked to drop their adherence to existing masculine ideals, but instead broaden their existing definition of key masculine traits. Research shows that psychological flexibility can have a positive effect on well-being3 and counter the negative effects of toxic masculinities (4,5).

There are many examples of successfully utilising flexibility to redefine what otherwise might form key elements of man-up. In one study of men with depression, some participants viewed seeking help as a manifestation of ‘independence’ (6). In another investigation of men diagnosed with prostate cancer, some believed revealing emotions to others was a way to exhibit ‘bravery’ (7). Metaphors can facilitate increased flexibility. Defining ‘strength’ as seeking assistance for mental/physical health issues in order to ‘provide’ for family members can be framed as a masculinity version of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

Men invested in man-up are likely to be alienated by perceived attempts to change their coping responses. You are effectively asking men to give up on strategies hypothesised to generate societal approval. At the very least, being ‘controlled’ by others breaks the man-up ‘code of practice’. Encouraging flexibility on the other hand can be a graded way for men to experiment with an expanded world-view without radical departure from valued attributes.

When we man-up, we cut down our options for coping effectively with psychological distress. Flexible masculinity can help to broaden our coping toolkit by giving ‘permission’ for alternative responses to occur, thereby making us better able to adapt to a wide range of challenges. It’s a bit like changing gears when driving — 1st gear is often very helpful, but if it’s the only gear we ever use the engine will quickly become spent. It’s important to shift gears depending on the circumstances and terrain. There may indeed be times when it is helpful to avoid our emotions (e.g., trying to get through a crisis). However, acknowledging, ‘normalising’, then responding flexibly to difficult psychological experiences puts us on the path towards more healthy psychological lives.

Some suggested pointers….

So in the interests of moving away from a ‘man up’ style of responding to emotional distress, how might men respond more flexibly to life’s challenges? We explore a range of ways to develop flexible masculinity in our workshop (see details below). Here are a few of the ways in which we try to foster this attribute in men we work with:

1. Normalise difficult emotional experiences. Difficult emotions are not a reflection of your identity as a man, they are simply evidence of your brain performing its normal functions. Imagine a world where you could not experience fear. You’d never make it to your first birthday cake.

2. Pay attention to these emotions. Emotional acceptance appears to be a helpful strategy for responding to difficult emotions and countering emotional avoidance. Rather than avoiding, denying or downplaying emotional reactions, pay deliberate attention to these emotional states, much in the way a scientist might observe the results of a lab experiment.

3. Clarify important personal qualities and values. How do you want to live your life, or be remembered after you are gone? Consider how many ways you can exhibit each of these values. If a man values tolerance and patience, a restricted response might involve trying to ‘keep your mouth shut’ when irritated by a child’s repeated mistakes. A flexible response might add the use of humour, positive feedback, walking away for a parental time-out, or using encouragement.

4. Use metaphors to help frame flexibility in a positive way: ‘Put on your own oxygen mask first’, ‘Changing gears to suit the terrain/gradient’, ‘Expand the toolkit’, ‘Bring a player with different skills onto the field when the game changes.’

5. Move in tiny steps. Change your actions in small, gradual ways to reduce the perceived risk of departing from man-up. You might make a change with only one person, or in only one situation. Experiment with these changes and reflect on the outcome before taking the next steps.

If you would like to find out more, the Flexible Men Project is a one-day psychological skills training workshop, run by Dr Jason Spendelow and Dr Matthew Beadman for men who want to develop a broader range of strategies to manage common psychological challenges. Visit our website for more information, or to bring the workshop to your organisation: www.flexiblemen.com.

References

1. Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281–291.

2. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. New York: Guilford.

3. Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspectof health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.

4. McAtter, G., & Gillanders, D. (2019). Investigating the role of psychological flexibility,masculine self‐esteem and stoicism as predictors of psychological distress and quality of life in men living with prostate cancer. European Journal of Cancer Care, online version ahead of print. doi: 10.1111/ecc.13097

5. Spendelow, J. S., & Joubert, H. E. (2018). Does experiential avoidance mediate therelationship between gender role conflict and psychological distress? American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 688–695.

6. Roy, P., Tremblay, G., & Robertson, S. (2014). Help-seeking among Male Farmers:Connecting Masculinities and Mental Health. Sociologia Ruralis, 54(4), 460–476.

7. Levy, A., & Cartwright, T. (2015). Men’s strategies for preserving emotionalwell-being in advanced prostate cancer: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Psychology & Health, 30(10), 1164–1182.