Believe It Or Not: I’m white and I don’t like the new LCD Soundsystem songs

Imagine my glee when I saw in my Twitter feed that my favorite band, LCD Soundsystem, just released two new songs for me to listen to at my leisure.

And now imagine my disappointment when both those songs sucked.

LCD Soundsystem, the amazing band that announced their triumphant return after a startling four-year hiatus, released two songs that aren’t very good. My little heart was broken. “Call The Police”? Yeah, I will, because I feel robbed after waiting so long for absolutely nothing of quality. The band broke up in 2011, acted like it was the biggest decision since Operation Neptune Spear, returned in 2015, and now will probably put out a sub-par album in 2017: The Year We Will All Die.

I got into my car, high out of my mind, and popped on my Spotify subscription to listen to “Call The Police” and “American Dream,” the two new songs by LCD Soundsystem. They were garbage. I turned up the bass, I turned up the treble, I became sober, but nothing was working. What happened to my favorite band?

I was there at Madison Square Garden, the sold out farewell show that had Aziz Ansari crowd surfing before anybody knew what a Park or Recreation was. I was there during the four hour escapade that ended with “New York, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down” which was prefaced with the Twin Peaks theme (returning in 2017 too, might I add). And I was there when their stay at Brooklyn Steel went on sale and sold out within thirty fucking seconds. I was there. I was capable to obtain information and gain an opinion and my opinion is that all of this sucks.

I was also there when the Blu-ray version of Shut Up And Play The Hits, the film about LCD Soundsystem’s farewell show, appeared on shelves. In it, in an interesting hindsight moment, important writerman Chuck Klosterman asks frontman James Murphy what his biggest regret is. Murphy’s answer? He fears it’s quitting the band. At the time, I thought it was pretentiously amazing. But little did I know because now it’s clear that James Murphy is just a dumb dude.

Okay, okay. “Call The Police” isn’t that bad. It has that one catchy chorus part and at one point, I think, Murphy sings “call the police” and it’s kind of cool. Otherwise, though? Who cares. Who fucking cares.

And then there’s “American Dream” which is the song all my friends say is the better one. I don’t understand why because I barely remember listening to the tune.

I honestly thought I was the stupid one and ignored my gut-feeling. But before I knew it, LCD Soundsystem was playing Saturday Night Live! I quickly subscribed to a cable provider and DVR’d the upcoming episode. The next morning, standing beside the television with a bowl of Cheerios, I watched LCD’s performance. The songs weren’t better. Nothing was good. My Cheerios were soggy. I cried for who I was invested in for so long. My favorite band, goodbye.

Ultimately, it seems like LCD Soundsystem was supposed to come back after a short hiatus and I feel fooled. Shut Up And Play The Hits composes itself around this conceit, and I know this because I watched it religiously for a month. The documentary juxtaposes the pretentious, ego-centric interview portions with the peak sold-out concert footage, showing the viewer that yes, it’s sort of ridiculous to turn this opportunity away. Watch how the packed audience reacts to “All My Friends” midway through the concert. It’s astounding. I want that feeling back again. Like all the other white guys, I want to love LCD Soundsystem one more time before I die.