Lyin’ and Ryan

Don the Con Junior testified behind closed doors for 5 hours after negotiating not having to do it under oath. Now he says the purpose of the meeting with the Russians was to get dirt on Hillary. He has changed his story 5 times. No surprise. Nobody believed that the Trumps would care about orphans in the first place.

“I don’t recall,” he said over and over and over, after practicing with his lawyer over and over and over.

After getting so much bad press after sending Sessions out to tell the country that he’s kicking DACA kids to the curb, Trump decided he better do something quick to improve his ratings so he headed over to the Democratic steam table at the All You Can Eat Ideology Buffet to sample the Chicken Poured On Blue to try and get new likes while exacting revenge on his Republican enemies. Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer fed him with a gaudy gilded spoon and then raised a gaudy gilded frosty mug at the Blues Clues Bar a few hours later.

Nancy asked Twitler to tweet a reassuring message to the Dreamers and he did it. He did it! He took dictation from Nancy Pelosi! He hates Nancy Pelosi!

Trump ended up doing the right thing but not for the right reasons.

After Trump humiliated Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell in the Oval Office by crawling into bed with Nancy and Chuck and spooning them in front of the cameras, Paul Ryan did a press conference where he was all smiley. He was smiley! It’s a new day! Bi-partisanship in the midst of two hurricanes! The Democrats like what they’re doing with tax reform! Hurricanes don’t discriminate between Republicans and Democrats! We love each other! Then he exited stage right, and rammed a silver spoon in his ear.

An hour earlier, Paul Ryan had called the debt ceiling proposal “ridiculous and disgraceful” during a press conference. He was not smiling — he was using his disapproving Speaker bitch face. Flip flop, flip flop, flop, flop, flop. Ayn Rand Rages Against the Machine.

Paul Ryan told Fox News that he wants to “Simplify the tax code so much that people can fill out their taxes on a postcard.” For rich people and corporations that hide their money overseas? “They should be able to bring their money home.”

It’s another new day. What will the President of the Moment grab at at the All You Can Eat Ideology Buffet today?

The former president of Mexico, Vicente Fox, has been trolling Trump on Twitter for months. He just announced that he is running for President of the United States in 2020 — with a goat.

Republican Hypocrite fun fact: Senator Lindsey Graham voted against FEMA relief for Hurricane Harvey. Hurricane Irma is headed for South Carolina.

Five living presidents made an inspirational video about Houston post Harvey. Trump didn’t want to be left out so he inserted himself with a tweet, “We will confront ANY challenge, no matter how strong the winds or high the water. I’m proud to stand with Presidents for #OneAmericaAppeal.”

Hurricane Irma is wider than the state of Florida. It is way bigger and more dangerous than Hurricane Andrew which pummeled Florida 25 years ago. Another hurricane is right behind it. Jose is category 3.

Hurricane Irma destroyed Trump’s estate in the Caribbean. Mar-A-Lago is next. Nobody cares what happens to Mar-A-Lago except for Trump and the rich people who pay $200,000 a year to belong to his stupid club.

Facebook finally admits, after denying it for months, that it accepted money from Russia to run fake ads to influence people to vote for Trump and hate on Hillary. If Facebook knew it from the beginning, and has been lying this whole time, they’re in really big trouble because accepting foreign money to influence an election is a crime.

Facebook couldn’t figure out that Russians spent $100K to spread fake election news but knows right away when a nipple on a boob is showing — Jay Kuo

Robert Mueller is investigating everybody who lied about Russia.

As Florida braces itself for Irma and the Democrats nurse their hangovers from partying all night at the Blues Clues bar, Lyin’ Paul Ryan and his band of liar’s liars are battening down the hatches at the Liar’s Cove Inn where they’ll stay until they figure out what to do with the King on the Hill.