Oh God

Spike Dolomite
Sep 20, 2017 · 3 min read

“Sad man gives a speech he didn’t write on issues he doesn’t understand to an organization he doesn’t like for reasons he can’t explain”- Nicholas Grossman

The mission of the United Nations is to protect human rights around the world. It chastised Trump for how he responded to the violence in Charlottesville. At the 72nd general assembly Trump made a 30 minute speech in HIS city, lecturing 193 world leaders about how not great they are.

He bragged about himself, of course. The US has done very well since election day. We’re spending $700 billion on our military. Our military will be the strongest it as ever been (translation world leaders: I’ll bomb the shit out of everybody,) the economy is the best it has ever been because of ME, the stock market is the best it has ever been because of ME, everybody has a job because of ME. After he was done talking about himself, he went after different countries like a deranged man boy on Twitter. Some countries are going to hell, the Iran deal is an embarrassment to the US, North Korea is depraved, Rocket Man is on a suicide mission, and “If the US is forced to defend itself or its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea.”

He never said a word about Russia.

Trump never mentioned anything about climate change, rallying the international community around common challenges, or world peace. Instead, he used the opportunity to threaten North Korea with annihilation. In front of the United Nations. Oh God.

There were two other dictators who were just as bad at their turn at the mic at the UN — Muammar al-Qaddafi and Hugo Chavez.

Muammar al-Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Donald Trump.

When Obama spoke at the UN last year, he said a nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself. The world applauded, bigly.

After his rant, he marched off to Trump Tower across the street, which he didn’t neglect to plug at the top of his nationalistic speech, followed by his always-ready-for-the-cameras third trophy wife. They were met by a group of protesters in front of Trump Tower defending DACA. 10 of them got arrested. Three were congressmen (Democrats, of course.) They were: Luis Gutierrez of Illinois, Raul Grijalva of Arizona and Adriano Espaillat of New York.

Ironic, poetic justice: Trump accused Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower at the same time his campaign manager was being wired tapped by the FBI.

Somebody better wake Rex Tillerson up and tell him the president is about to get us all killed.

Trump wants the military to give him a big parade on the Fourth of July (bigger and better than Kim Jong-un’s parade.)

Trump is using campaign and RNC funds to pay for his and his son’s legal bills.

Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy are going for the jugular to kill Obamacare, using new socialist language in lieu of the old talking points. Jimmy Kimmel is pissed, calling Bill Cassidy out for lying to his face on his show when he said that people with pre-existing conditions won’t lose their insurance. Cassidy’s bill insures that parents will have to watch their kids die if they don’t have the money. He told him to stop using his name to peddle his bill and that he had a new Jimmy Kimmel test for him — a lie detector test.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is a doctor. If his bill passes he will personally be responsible for patients dying. When his fellow medical school graduates were taking the hippocratic oath, he was taking the hypocritical oath. Republican first, doctor last.

Trump has mentioned God 100 times in 200 days. It’s part of his new brand. Sorry, Donald, but God can’t save you now.

The world is supposed to end (again) on Saturday. It’s the rapture so make sure you’re wearing clean underwear if you think you could be one of the chosen people.

Spike Dolomite

Written by

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade