Republican Road Runner

Spike Dolomite
Oct 16 · 5 min read

Now that Putin has successfully humiliated our president in front of the whole world, he’s moved on to humiliating our military. Russia took over a US military base that had been hastily abandoned because Trump yelled, “Run!” Trump probably didn’t think of having anybody shred documents before they hit the road. Classified information that wasn’t properly destroyed could be in Russian control. Russian military “journalists” are walking around the base reveling in their good fortune. This is a first for Trump AND America. The US has surrendered a military base to Russia.

Meanwhile, other troops sit around Syria awaiting their orders to hit the blood soaked road. The Kurds say they are facing ethnic cleansing by a NATO country, Turkey, as US forces sit and watch because they have been given no orders to help, only orders to defend themselves because that’s what their commander in chief would do. The road less traveled is Trump Street and it’s paved with evil self serving intentions. Troops are going to have to use that road to exit which makes them feel used and ashamed.

Mike Pence is supposed to go to Turkey to tell Erdogan to “cease fire” in Syria. Erdogan is like, fuck you. I want to talk to Putin.

All of the Make America Great Again half wits must be loving this. They voted for a guy who would really shake things up and they got it. They couldn’t explain what’s going on in Syria, or even find it on a map if their lives depended on it but damn! He’s really shaking things up! Hit the road, Jack! USA! USA! USA!

The Southern District of New York has subpoenaed former member of congress, Pete Sessions, because he’s involved in Trump’s shadow government up to his MAGA hat. The road has come to an end for this guy.

Mike Pence says fuck you, he won’t cooperate with the impeachment inquiry. Not really, Mike Pence never swears. He’s as pure as the driven hoe.

Defense Secretary Mark Esper won’t comply with the impeachment inquiry, either. He’s going to take his chances and see if he can thumb a ride down Trump Street. These guys.

Rudy says he’s going to blow off subpoenas. He says fuck you. And fuck you too. Fuck all you guys. He’s going to sit his butt down in the middle of the road and stay there until, until, until……..look out! Road kill. Wow, is that a dead badger? Nah, it’s just Rudy.

The fourth state department official, Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent, testified and said that the man who wears many MAGA hats such as acting White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, organized a White House meeting with Rick Perry, Gordon Sondland and Kurt Volker to put them in charge of Trump’s shadow government. They called themselves the three amigos. They met a few days after Rudy Giuliani told the Ukraine ambassador, “You’re fired” for Trump. She testified last week. The three stooges carried out Trump’s cooked up plan to destroy Joe Biden by accusing his son of using his father’s name to make money off of foreign interests, and claiming that Ukraine helped Hillary’s campaign in 2016 (taken straight out of Hitler’s playbook — accuse the other side of what you are doing.) Hey three amigos — didn’t your mothers tell you never to walk Trump Street at night?

Like Gordon Sondland and Marie Yovanovitch, Mike Pompeo told the three stooges not to testify but Kurt Volker said, fuck you I’m not going to jail for you or Trump. Stop the car. I’m getting out.

Gordon Sondland was a no show last week when he was supposed to show up to testify so Congress subpoenaed him and he’ll testify tomorrow. Sondland’s wife is worried that people will boycott their hotels now that Trump has slapped his name on them. Oopsies. That’s what happens when you accept rides from strangers on Trump Street.

Adam Schiff says Congress has to investigate Trump on Ukraine since there is no special counsel to do it. He said “the fundamental attitude” of Attorney General Bill Barr is “the president is above the law.” In other words, Congress has to investigate the Russian mob president because the US justice department won’t because the attorney general is married to the mob and the road to justice is closed.

Republicans are keeping quiet except for Gym Jordan and Matt Gaetz. They love the attention. They’ll keep putting themselves out there on behalf of Trump because now’s their big chance to become stars. While all of the Republicans hide under their desks in the capitol, these guys are running through the halls screaming, PARTY! Their brains never matured into adult hood. Must be from all the head slamming and booze consumption followed by screeching down Bourbon Street at high speeds wasted off their asses when they were mere boys of 30.

Breaking news! Trump lied again. Never mind. That’s not breaking news. Or news.

Nancy Pelosi has to be in the same room and look into that ugly horrible Russian mob president’s face for the first time since she announced they’re moving ahead with impeachment today. She has to attend a meeting at the White House about Turkey. Trump will more than likely goad her into calling for a vote in the House to impeach him now. Go ahead. Impeach me. I dare ya. To that she should say fuck you but she would never do that. Nancy never cusses. She hates that f word even though it’s the most popular word in the country right now.

Trump has been pushing for an impeachment vote in the House before any more testimony because he thinks he could be martyred if they do. She did a press conference and politely told the president to get fucked — “All roads seem to lead to Putin with the president.”

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

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