How 90’s Rom-Coms Have Left Some Viewers ‘Clueless’ About Love
Have 90’s Rom Coms Changed the Modern Interpretation of Healthy Relationships?
By: Madeline Vaja
Reminiscing on the iconic rom-com moments of the 90s, we think of classic moments like the cinematic final scene of You’ve Got Mail in New York City’s famed Riverside Park between Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, or the Empire State Building scene in Sleepless in Seattle. We remember the iconic sassiness from Cher Horowitz in Clueless as she falls in love with 90s heartthrob Paul Rudd, and who could forget Heath Ledger singing “I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” to Kat Stratford during her gym class? However, as the rate of divorce in the US stabilizes at about 50%, we must take a look at the unhealthy parts of a relationship such as love-bombing and manipulation. Additionally, as new wave feminism progresses, women are encouraged to take power in relationships while in 90s rom coms, what the girl wanted often took a backseat to the mans half-conspired intentions. While 90s rom coms typically offer a short 90 minute love story where two average people fall in love by a series of dramatic events, are the actions and behaviors of the characters always justified? Many people say that 90s rom coms are simply movies created for enjoyment and have had no effect on a person’s perception of love. However, I tend to agree with the latter and believe 90s rom coms display a series of toxic behaviors that contribute to today’s skewed perception of love.
During my search to find information on the roots of the rom-com genre, I found a lack of credible consistent information. However, the general consensus was that rom-coms have been around since the 1920s silent film era of movie making, and before movies there were hundreds of plays written about this dramatic and all consuming love. Movies now even take inspiration from plays, famous rom coms ‘She’s the Man’ and ‘Ten Things I Hate About You’ are loosely based on Shakespearean plays. After the silent film rom-coms of the 20s and 30s, came the 40s and 50s rom-coms starring Katharine Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. Following this era, this genre changed with each decade and applied the same concept of regular people falling in love by a series of dramatic events while adding in trends and relevant references of the time. Even though rom-coms are about 100 years old, people still continue to watch them. According to an article by CBS news, “86% of Americans believe in love” (Backus), and so the popularity of the subject of love for movies is continually relevant, possibly now more than ever with the popularization of dating apps and all the aspects of a modern romance that did not exist in the 90’s. The ability rom-coms have to change with each decade, and continue to do so for each new decade is part of what draws audiences in. Some modern examples are the 2018 Netflix Original film ‘Sierra Burgess is a Loser’ is about a girl catfishing a boy she has a crush on, which is relevant to the time we live in now, but would be quite an impossible concept during the 90’s. For example, had the phones with access to the internet been invented ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ could have been easily resolved with a facetime call, but who likes a rom-com without some drama? Nevertheless, the concept behind both remains the same, in the midst of lies and gaslighting the main characters find love. Rom-coms have been around for about a century now, and the subject of the portrayal of romantic relationships in rom-coms and the effect they have on Americans, especially the target audience young girls, has been a topic for debate.
One positive of the genre that supporters of rom-coms push is that they are proven to make people feel good about love. This is exemplified in a research study done by Princeton University where they found that:
When a storyteller narrates a story to the listener, both their brains mirror each other. Conclusively, if a story is well told or narrated, the viewer/listener can experience the story as a part of it, like they were in the story.The other fact is that when a good story is narrated that you feel relates to you, the level of a hormone called oxytocin increases in the body. This ‘feel good’ hormone helps you build connections. So, a good romcom helps you experience a connection with the characters and the story, while unconsciously making you a part of something better. (Malewar)
This explains the drive of Americans to love rom-coms. The film makes them feel as though they are in love. This is attractive to many people because they know at the end of the movie, the ending will be happy and they can experience love from the safety of their couch with no disappointment of heartbreak involved. Though, during my search for research articles on the effect movies have on the general public, I found an article by KPPC that discusses the impact movies have on audiences, specifically young audiences which is usually who rom-coms are marketed towards, “(Scientific Researcher) Zacks said an area known as the prefrontal cortex helps with that. It’s a region of the brain associated with self-control. Patients with damage to this area are more likely to respond to movies as if they are real, he noted. Kids have a similar problem, since their prefrontal cortex is still developing, he explained. That’s why kids sometimes talk back to movies or jump out of their seats and hide during scary scenes. These are just some of the insights Zacks and others are learning from studying how we watch movies” (Totten). This quote demonstrates how movies affect young audiences and can impact them while their brains are still developing. Our prefrontal cortexes are not developed until age 25, therefore the age group who rom-coms are marketed towards (teens and young adults) are the most at risk to internalize the negative behaviors portrayed in these films. While rom-coms may leave their viewers with a more positive idea of love and feeling optimistic, the toxic behaviors commonly exhibited in the genre have a much deeper effect on them that many people do not realize.
One advantage supporters of rom-coms push is the fact that rom-coms can help people who have been jaded recover from failures in past relationships and experience the positive and exciting aspects of love. This is described well in an article by InStyle magazine editor Caroline Karasik. She notes how rom-coms have helped her cope with the change in relationship dynamics that comes with time explaining that “Sure, modern romance may look a bit different than it did back in the days… but it’s all the more reason to cue up one of those rom coms on a Friday night to forget all your modern day dating woes” (Karasik). This quote showcases how Karasik enjoys rom-coms because as relationships change from one to the next, they’ve also changed with time and the development of technology. These changes can be hard to cope with, however Karasik shares she is comforted by watching rom-coms from all time periods. Karasik continues on later in the article to discuss how sometimes it is nice to watch people connect in person rather than through a screen. However, during my research I found watching rom-coms while heartbroken may have negative impacts on your emotional wellness. Women’s Health Magazine explains that “And by churning up personal issues — along with possible resolutions — the movie can prompt a release of feelings… The plots can unlock reactions that might otherwise have remained buried” (Migala). This quote clarifies that watching rom-coms may release old baggage from past relationships that may cause you to feel like you have returned to the unhealed parts of the relationship. While the release of feelings might be positive in the long run, the article expresses there are better ways to approach it with professional help such as therapy and counseling where you can process your emotions with a therapist rather than a movie.
A disadvantage to 90s rom coms, is that movies affect us deeper than we realize and can have lasting effects on our actions and opinions. This is showcased in an article by University of California San Diego, with quotes from, Julia Lippman, a postdoctoral fellow and University of Michigan’s Department of Communication Studies, “According to Lippman ‘Young people’s minds are essentially free for the media to mold. These perfect portrayals of love, whether they be on our TV screens or Twitter feed, have a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves’”(Tran). This quote demonstrates how scientifically, we as humans are affected by the media we consume. We are molded by what we see on our screens. Therefore, subconsciously these negative and toxic relationships are being absorbed into our minds as the ‘norm’. Additionally, seeing these relationships consistently across eras and the genre as a whole solidifies this idea. An example of these toxic behaviors comes from an article by editor of Grazia Daily, Georgia Aspinall, she remarks about the movie Bridget Jones, “The man (Mark) never seeks therapy, despite Bridget telling him how his actions make her feel time and time again. Over the years of their on and off relationship, he abandons her multiple times, prioritizing work and ultimately making her feel inadequate and unloved… and yet we are supposed to believe he is the ideal gentleman”(Aspinall). This is just one specific example of toxic behaviors glorified in 90’s rom coms. Men shutting women out and couples having wild on and off relationships sets the expectation whether consciously or unconsciously that this is acceptable and healthy. Moreover this is the message we are sending to young teens and adults that this is how love’s supposed to be, and glorifying especially to young girls that this toxic behavior is okay because ‘it happened in Bridget Jones and they ended up happy’. Furthermore, these same young teens and adults now may have a muddied idea of verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships and now have trouble knowing when they should run from the relationship.
Continuing the discussion of toxic behaviors in rom-coms, a disadvantage to 90s rom coms is the consistent glorification of manipulation in relationships. Aspinall continues to elaborate and discusses another 90s rom-com She’s All That dictating that, “Zack is forced to spend lots of time following her around to “get to know her”, and then once she is deemed “pretty enough” they seemingly fall in love. Even when Laney finds out about the bet, the idea of them falling in love is so romanticized she forgives him.’” (Aspinall). The premise of the movie is that the boy (Zack) makes a bet he can turn a girl who is deemed ‘ugly’ and a ‘loser’ into a popular and pretty girl by starting a romantic relationship with her. When Zack falls in love with her after she is deemed ‘pretty’ creates a message of glorifying how a person looks rather than who they are as an individual in romantic relationships. Another example of toxic actions in 90s rom coms is noted by Robertson Blythe in an article for Vulture.com. Blythe states, “Throughout the film (When Harry Met Sally) he (Harry) doesn’t listen to Sally and is dismissive of her, and when he goes too far he apologizes but doesn’t actually change. When Sally tries to break this cycle, he aggressively invades her space with “cute” phone messages”(Blythe). This quote brings in a specific example from a popular 90s rom com. Blythe highlighted how Harry throughout the film was being toxic towards Sally, and then when she gets angry with him, he apologizes but he never changes his ways. This is manipulation. Apology without change and deliberately hurting someone you are in any sort of relationship is manipulation which is not only shown but glorified in this movie. Finally, when he shuts her out then realizes he wants her back he bombards Sally with cute phone messages, which is another subliminal message about what a woman wants taking a backseat to what the man wants. Harry continues to knowingly hurt Sally and finally when she cuts him off he decides he is ready to date her, taking control and all of the power in a relationship. When eventually she takes him back without much apology or change is another example of manipulation. This is displayed as ‘cute’ behavior and acceptable. As I mentioned before, subconsciously we, and especially the targeted audience of young people, are taking this behavior in and accepting this toxic behavior in real life, which can be harmful.
Another disadvantage to rom coms is the glorification of love bombing. Love bombing is defined in the Oxford Languages dictionary as, ‘the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection in order to manipulate them’. Julia Pugachevsky of Cosmopolitan Magazine perfectly describes how this plays out in rom-coms and how these movie trope romances never translate to real life. She accounts:
In a world of men passively aggressively auto swiping right on every tinder profile so they can slap on wrinkly khakis and boat shows for a date you will both forget in a month, it’s normal to want more:…A Freddie Prinzewho will perform every creative gesture to win you over… Yet, in practice, relationships that start up so quickly and passionately often go up in flames in uniquely painful ways. He turns out to be a serial cheater or emotionally abusive. (Pugachevsky)
Pugachevsky does a thorough job on explaining the disconnect between what we see onscreen and in real life. Because of the plethora of rom-coms, we believe that love is everywhere. However, in reality, good and true love with pure intentions is rare and hard to find. In a 2 hour rom com, the characters have to fall for eachother rather quickly, when in real life, it takes time and getting to know someone. No matter how great you are, someone performing multiple large romantic gestures and confessing their love for you in just a few weeks of knowing each other is concerning behavior. She continues on by bringing in the fact rom-coms conveniently skip over some of these behaviors are toxic and honestly just creepy. She remarks:
The part romantic comedies skip over is how much you need to bolt (from toxic behaviors)… for example the beast in Beauty and the Beast throws Belle a large fancy dinner (large gesture/love bombing) and when she doesn’t show, loses his temper over and over again, but it’s always presented as a simple conflict in the plot rather than a sign of an abusive relationship. (Pugachevsky)
One of the most concerning pieces of this argument is these toxic behaviors stem past rom coms targeted to teens and adults and target children in princess movies. The beast’s behavior is brushed off and never addressed. He not only never seeks counseling for his clear anger issues, he continues to lash out at Belle. Is this really the kind of love we want to show to children? These manipulative behaviors that are glorified in these movies continue the idea that this kind of love is normal and should be tolerated in a romantic relationship, to an audience as young as a child.
All in all, due to the plethora of negative behaviors and the toxic glorifications romantic comedies showcase, Hollywood producers should take a look at the bigger message they are relaying to their audience. Especially their young audience who are susceptible to influence by the media. The damage portraying poor behaviors in romantic comedies targeted at young audiences coupled with the influence media has on our society is quite staggering and potentially irreversible to older generations who are in unhappy marriages or relationships based upon toxic behaviors that were fed to them growing up with these movies being glorified. As we move to a more empowered, aware and progressive society we must think of the media we produce and its influence on our society. Many people may think rom-coms are lighthearted and are produced for enjoyment, but the next time you throw on one of these ‘lighthearted’ flicks, consider the behaviors and messages being portrayed.
By: Madeline Jane Vaja
@madelinevaja on instagram
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