Finding Dory: Perpetuating the Myth that Pelicans aren’t malevolent hell-birds

Do you recall the beginning of Finding Nemo? Perhaps you repressed the memory because it’s absolutely horrifying.

A fish voiced by Albert Brooks sees his wife and hundreds of his unborn children get murdered by a marauding barracuda. On the first day moving into their dream house! This is a perfect representation of oceanic living.

Psychotic. Unrelenting. Merciless. This is the ocean. If we were transported into the life of a fish, we would definitely die with startling immediacy as our life on land would ill-prepare us for the horrors of the deep. Everything is trying to eat everything else down there beneath the foreboding waves. I would commend Pixar for their commitment to accurately depicting the aquatic hellscape if it weren’t for their scandalous, pro-Pelican propaganda that they forced down our throats.

And we did nothing. We just stood there and watched.

Lies, deceit, treachery.

I thought Finding Nemo would be the end of it, but John Lasseter’s deception knows no bounds. Emboldened by their successful duplicity, Pixar is going to feed the same lies to our children this summer with Finding Dory. It’s up to you parents to save the next generation from being tricked into trusting the winged scourge that are pelicans.

“Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat,” says Nigel, a pelican in the movie who feels the need to justify his fish-murder almost as soon as he’s introduced. In a movie starring fish, Pixar decided that the ravenous fowl whose primary diet is fish would be deuteragonists that skewed closer to the heroic side of the scale, instead of the antagonists they clearly should have been. It’s like making a movie about the polar ice caps and making the sassy best friend Global Warming. However, as nefarious as he is, Nigel has a point. It’s in his nature to eat fish. You can’t blame him for his nature.

OH EXCEPT WAIT. PELICANS DON’T JUST EAT FISH. THEY EAT WHATEVER THEY CAN CRAM DOWN THEIR INTERMINABLE GULLETS!

The shadow of a killer — from BBC’s “Life”

You can search on YouTube for the damning evidence, but if you want a forthright perspective of the cruelty of pelicans, look no further than BBC’s fantastic Life documentary.

Here are pelicans, designed by God to eat fish, sweeping down on a colony of helpless gannets and eating those too young to defend themselves. Can you think of anything more terrifying, coming back home from work to find your children gone? “Yeah, man,” says your neighbor Bob, “a gang of pelicans came and ate your kids up in a horrifying fashion. Oh, and then they flew back and fed their regurgitated remains to their own children.” Oh, right, that clip doesn’t show the end where they fly back and feed gannet guts to baby pelicans. It’s bone-chilling. That’s not pelican nature, Nigel. That’s some truly barbarous shit.

“Even pelicans have to feed their young,” you may say, because you’re a filthy pelican apologist, a traitor to an oppressed animal kingdom. “If your children were starving, wouldn’t you go to any lengths to feed them?” While that sounds like some Neville Chamberlain appeasement nonsense, let’s entertain this notion. Ok, sure, we have to provide for our kids. It’s in our nature to protect our offspring. It’s in every creature on earth’s nature to ensure the survival of their progeny.

OH WAIT! NOT PELICANS! MOTHERFUCKERS BE THROWING 66% OF THEIR CHILDREN OUT THE NEST TO DIE!

Once again, BBC’s The Life of Birds depicts the hard truths that Finding Nemo doesn’t want you to know. The pelican’s brood of three cannot be sustained, so the two older pelican chicks force the youngest out of the nest. “Oh, but maybe the mother will see this and save their child!” you say. Tears well in your eyes as you do, because you know the truth as well as David Attenborough does.

David Attenborough pictured with a fratricidal maniac — from BBC’s “The Life of Birds”

“Now it will not survive,” he says with a determined British grimness. “It’s parents will not bring any food to it on the ground.” As if that wasn’t enough, Attenborough goes on to mention that the slaughter doesn’t end there.

“No sooner has one been pushed out of the nest that a second will follow until there’s only one left.” With an air of British indifference, he finishes with, “It seems rather inefficient, not to mention heartless, that the pelican should always lay three eggs.”

Every pelican is guilty of fratricide. Think of that whenever you watch Nigel save the day. Think of that when you watch Finding Dory and a pelican does something particularly heroic. Remember this: given the opportunity, pelicans would murder you and everyone you hold dear.

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