I’m not even mad. I didn’t want to win.

Arthur
Arthur
Nov 7 · 4 min read

As of today, I am in dead last in our league and its a pretty safe bet that dead last is where I will remain. I’m past the point where I can comfort myself by saying “ it’s really because my POINTS AGAINST total is the highest in the league” because a) I also have the lowest POINTS FOR total by a hilarious amount and b) it’s not true (Eric is getting historically boned this season). You might say that I’m a loser and I deserve it and that my personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Well, jokes on you, jerk. I didn’t even want to win.

Why else would I pick DeAndre Hopkins with my first pick? I for one KNEW he’d be garbage. All those targets he got last season? Clearly a MIRAGE! I knew that Deshaun Watson would suddenly trust Darren Fells more than anyone has ever trusted Darren Fells before. I KNEW Bill O’Brien, he who is perpetually on the hot seat, would decide to SHAKE THINGS UP and target Wil Fuller, because who wouldn’t build an offensive strategy on someone so consistently healthy. And, should the IMPOSSIBLE happen and Wil “Iron Man” Fuller gets injured, I FORESAW that Kenny Stills would be traded to the Houston Texans and take over all his targets. I knew this would happen and I WANTED to lose, OBVIOUSLY.

I didn’t want to win. That’s why I picked Joe Mixon. My research calculated that Joe Mixon would thrive in Zac Taylor’s new offensive scheme. Freed from Marvin Lewis, he’d get more receiving targets. His offensive line as a whole would be bad BUT the left side of the line was passable enough. Joe Mixon could repeat as the league’s leading rusher. That’s what my research told me. And that’s precisely why I IGNORED IT and DRAFTED him anyways, because I obviously my own research was lying to me. I OBVIOUSLY knew that Joe Mixon was a bum who would get 2 yards a game and be on a 0–8 team. That’s why I picked him, because I’m actually a VERY SMART genius and I don’t even care if I win. I just wanted to see my RB1 get tackled five yards behind the line of scrimmage every play and get replaced by Gio Bernard by halftime. It’s funny. It’s HILARIOUS. Can’t you hear me LAUGHING?

Damien Williams? I knew that the Chiefs would trade for LeSean McCoy. My dad works for the Buffalo Bills and had the inside scoop that they were going to cut him. My girlfriend (you wouldn’t know her. She lives in Canada and doesn’t go to our school) works as a baker for the Kansas City Chiefs and told me that they were going to pick up McCoy. I WANTED this nightmare scenario where I have two running backs in a roulette-type timeshare on a historically great offense that ensured I could use neither of them yet couldn’t really drop either. I wanted to be forced to start Chiefs castoff Carlos Hyde every week instead of someone actually good. I’m just a dozen steps ahead of all you CLOWNS and the only way I can challenge myself is by doing seemingly MORONIC things like using my precious waiver priority on Karan Higdon, who didn’t even make the roster out of camp? You probably thought man why is Arthur so dumb when ACTUALLY I’m a genius and OBVIOUSLY wanted to lose.You guys are so LAME trying to win all the time.

Tight Ends? Dumb! If I really wanted to win, would I be starting Jimmy Graham every week? Every week it’s like watching a bronze statue lining up as a receiver because he has no utility as a blocker despite being made of bronze. I LOVE seeing him visibly CREAKING around the field, leaping an inch off the ground to feebly whiff on a pass that lands in Jamaal Williams hands instead somehow. That’s why I drafted Hunter Henry. I knew he’d get INJURED and then not use my PRIORITY on him when he got healthy and he’d get picked up by Joey who wakes up at 5 AM because of all the KIDS in his house and I’d get 0.50 points out of my TE spot every week. All this failure is actually FUNNY to me.

I drafted a quarterback with a broken back, so OBVIOUSLY I’m not actually trying. If I was really trying to win, wouldn’t I have drafted Russell Wilson, a quarterback who’s actually GOOD and an MVP candidate and I definitely didn’t not draft because his twitter handle is RIDICULOUS GARBAGE. I instead drafted Carson Wentz because his mediocrity is like a work of art. Did you ever read The Fountainhead? My team is like Peter Keating’s buildings, non-threatening and forgettable, while all of you Howard Roark VISIONARIES are actually just a bunch of MURDERERS who killed a janitor just to preserve your dumb vision of a team that scores actual points.

All of this is actually FUNNY to me and I’m just LAUGHING hysterically into my pillow every night. You guys are the REAL losers, not me. Enjoy watching meaningful football while I spend my Thursdays watching Stumptown which I’m worried is actually PRETTY BAD and I’ve wasted too much time watching it already. See you next year, suckers, when I’ll actually be TRYING unlike this year, if that wasn’t clear.

Arthur

Written by

Arthur

possibly watching a documentary about ducks.

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