Broken
“Where are you going?,” I always find myself asking as my other halves leave my body. Other half, another man. Why do we rely on love? Why is that unconsciously on the top of everyone’s bucket list? If you find out the answer, let me know. Maybe it is because we feel like we need a significant other to be whole or even rely on another person for our happiness. There are days I stare at the ceiling and count it’s paint chips while my mind wanders in places of immense worry. I’m a worrier. How many times can a heart break in a life time? Is there a limit until you lose your damn mind? Memories are the hardest part of loving another man, memories of hurt and betrayal from the piece of scum that you finally realized was not worth your time and energy. Why can’t we shut that part of our brain off? Am I crazy or am I normal and the others are crazy? What really defines crazy? What defines “normal?” So many questions that will remain unanswered with vicious cycles of heart breaks and the feeling of nausea and rapid heart beats when he says “I’m leaving you.” This creates a feeling that the memory will keep for a lifetime. Here comes a man, another one, lets try this again, no don’t do it… well, hes nice and i’m desperate, why not? I finally love myself again I tell myself, maybe not all the way, but I loved myself more than staying with a man that put a gun to my head. Okay, sensitive and emotional, I am hard to deal with. I am all over the place, back to this new guy. He is sweet. His attraction to adventure is what drew me in. I’m not boring. He’s not boring. Yet, will he ever get bored of me? I sit on the couch and wonder if he gets tired of sitting next to me, staring at a TV, with no adventure. No money to go on one. All of the other guys got sick of me and the same old thing everyday, so why wouldn’t he? Right? I worry. Constantly. Our first fight was last night, this broke my heart more than words can explain. It hurt so bad, brought me back to how much I fought with other guys. This worries me, but what doesn’t? I pray to a God I’m not sure I believe in for confidence and self-worth to get through these times but it is something almost impossible to achieve. Every couple fights but I’m scared. He’s perfect, he’s different. I hope this doesn’t happen often and I hope I’m done being lied to and fighting. He doesn’t seem like that kind of guy to hurt me but one argument really messed with my head. That is what made me want to start this story. I’m at work, stressing, because I am in love and I am scared. I am a girl, or in other words, I am broken.