the toxicity of rape prevention advice
think before you speak, we know more than you think

Almost every girl who has ever stepped outside has been stopped by a guy or catcalled. Every girl who has made her existence known on social media most likely had at least one or two explicit messages sent to her.
It’s easy to say “block them” or “ignore them” whether it’s online or on the street, but the thing is we’ve already been exposed to their harassment, their disgusting and degrading comments that leave us feeling violated and objectified.
Oh, and before you go on to give classic (and oh, so condescendingly) sexual assault prevention techniques, consider this: We’re women. We know better than anyone how men are, how men harass and abuse us, most of us, unfortunately experienced our first catcall before we even hit middle school, when our bodies started to develop early and betray us, leaving us to the wolves, to men twice or triple our age, but in all actuality, it’s not our fault. It’s not the fault of our bodies that grew faster than our minds did. The blame is not on us, but rather on the men who feel entitled to our existence and try to justify it in ways of saying that a “man can’t help himself much like a dog to a steak”.
But still, even then despite knowing this, the well-intentioned will try to advise women to not walk home alone, they will try to police our clothing, and tell us to be more “smart” about it. The problem with this is that there’s a huge implication that justifies the harassment and assault of women who dress provocatively, who go to places alone whether by choice or not, and who get black-out drunk. Safety should not be seen as something to earn and take away. Safety should be given to all women.
“When you tell girls how to avoid rape, you are telling boys to rape the other girl. There will always be a girl walking in a darker part of town, wearing a lower cut dress, drinking a little more. I want as much safety for that girl as I want for myself.” — Sienna Cullimore
And even then, this is spreading the myth that women, who do all they can to avoid getting assaulted, who try to make themselves appear invisible and smaller, will never be assaulted guaranteed or their chances will decrease. Say, you do everything you’re told, you never walk home alone at night, you’re in a good neighborhood, and you’re covered from head to toe, but you get catcalled, followed, you get grabbed and violated anyways.
Take Youtuber and fashion blogger, Albinwonderland, for example. She had done everything “right”, she was out in daylight in a group of friends and family in a public area that was familiar and safe, and even with a modest outfit. Yet, in less than a minute, she was assaulted by a group of men, who escaped after attacking her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_UjzUDiS9E
“I was out with my family on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of the day. … It was still completely bright out. Super busy area like a really nice area with lots of families walking around with their children. People walking back and forth y’know? And then I was attacked or assaulted from behind. And just all of a sudden, I was being assaulted out of nowhere. We had no warning. By a group of men. It was all over in 25 seconds and they were gone.”
So what do you tell her? What could she have done to better protect herself? She followed all the “right” steps after all, but she was still assaulted anyways. I know what I would tell her and I would say this to any other victim of assault. It was not your fault and you didn’t deserve it. Those men are at fault and they can rot in hell.
By always holding victims of harassment accountable, you’re validating the actions of their abusers. You’re misplacing the blame on the ones who feel violated and shaken by their experience. Instead of giving them comfort, you’re scolding them for not fighting back, for not “doing a better job of protecting themselves”. Shouldn’t you be pointing your finger at the one who abused them? Why are you defending people who ain’t shit?
A girl who leaves her drink alone for a good minute is not asking to get raped, a girl who goes out in a crop top and shorts is not asking to be sexualized and it’s not an invitation for anyone to make grotesque comments about her body. Don’t ask us to cover up, don’t ask us to be more mindful of our clothing, our behavior, our environment. Don’t wag your finger at us for merely wanting to exist and for expecting men to keep their hands to themselves.
Most of what we already do is out of survival. Carrying mace? Survival. Not talking to a man when you’re by yourself? Survival. Holding our keys in our hands like makeshift claws? Survival. But if we let our guard down once, we’re at fault, but not the ones that had made us feel unsafe in the first place. Not the ones who cultivated this environment of unsafety and entitlement.
By placing the burden on us, the expectations of where women need to learn to protect themselves, men are not being held accountable. Horrible shit that they do to us should not be an accepted part of our society. Rape prevention should not be normalized. We’re doing what we can to survive, but men need to their part as well and women need to be there for each other rather than join in shaming other women for not doing a better job of protecting herself.
I’m tired of seeing women and children in my place who have felt broken, betrayed, depressed, and angry at the world for not keeping us safe. For instead of being angry at our abusers and the ones who should have left us alone instead of going out of their way to hurt us, we’re the ones being shamed and berated for not keeping our silence.
