Why I’m Not Having Sex

So, I grew up outside of the church. I wasn’t raised Christian, and while my family considers themselves Catholic, they aren’t practicing. I didn’t “believe in anything” until my adult years. My mom gave me “the talk” at a very young age, and I remember most of it. It was so weird, because I had zero desire to even kiss a boy, let alone imagining sex with them. But, I listened anyway, trying hard not to laugh at my mom who was just not having it. The “talk” lasted about 30 seconds: “Only have sex with someone who loves you back, and always make sure he wears protection.”

I went about my teenage years and young adult years, not thinking too much about having sex. I also hadn’t fallen in love with anyone yet, so I assumed this was why. And I was totally right.

I’m not going to explain my sexual history. It also isn’t long, because I’m never in relationships, and therefore never really tempted. I do recall when I had become a Christian 11+ years ago, how proud I was that I had “kept away from sexual sin.” I truly felt like it was my own doing. It felt like it was something I accomplished on my own. When I finally failed at “staying pure” — it didn’t break me. I have heard from Christians who describe their utter disappointment after having sex with someone. How ashamed and terrible they felt, and I would feel awful that I didn’t feel this way all the time. Why didn’t it bring me shame every time? I would actually question whether or not I was even a Christian because of the incredible lack of guilt I had.

Fast forward a few years, and I discover reformed theology. It goes hand-in-hand with Systematic Theology — It’s a systematic way of interpreting the bible to stay true to the original text and to read/learn scripture in a way that always considers context. Basically, you know those churches that will pick out ONE verse in the bible and use it to drive their own agenda? Well, systematic theology prevents that. It’s a beautiful way of learning about who Jesus is, and a much more intelligent way to learn scripture and apply it.

Once I discovered it, the biggest message I received was from Reformed Pastor, Tim Keller:

Religion says: ‘I obey, therefore I am loved.’ The Gospel says: ‘I’m loved, therefore I obey.

This changed everything for me. I also re-learned what repentance was. That repentance was not simply “asking God for forgiveness” but rather an act of turning from sin and looking upon Christ. So instead of fretting about my lack of shame, I simply turned away from it (and by “I,” I am sure I mean God turned me away) and I looked at Christ. I reminded myself of Gods sufficiency in my life.

First — I needed to know why it’s sinful to have sex outside of a marital covenant with someone+Jesus Christ. I didn’t demand an explanation from God for my heart, but I wanted to be able to explain to others why I was choosing not to have sex. “Because it’s a sin” is sort of an offensive reason to give. Offensive to Gods design for sex and offensive to the dude I was telling. And in a culture that is saying “you have needs” and is so obsessed with instant gratification of every desire — I felt like I needed to sound intelligent on this subject.

As a feminist, I already knew why porn was terrible. Anything that feeds the sex trafficking industry while simultaneously exploiting women and over-sexualizing us/our bodies, isn’t cool with me. As a moral human, I understood the dangers of just sleeping around (drama, unwanted pregnancy, disease). As a Christian, though — I needed to know why.

Mark 10:8 gives me the basics:

7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

“One flesh.” Ok. I get it. It’s for a marriage — but WHY? This is where I needed more guidance and I began reading what Tim Keller had to say on the subject. I feel like a five year old who’s parent is commanding me to do something and I just keep pressing by repeating, “but why?” over and over. But you know what’s awesome? God welcomes it. We have a King who demands prayer and a relationship with us, so I’m encouraged to ask all the questions I want.

In Tim Kellers piece, “The Gospel and Sex,” he points out what sex is not. Let’s start there.

1) Sex is not Platonistic.

Sex is not dirty…it’s awesome (Gen 1:31)
Things that are created for marriage are good…not bad/gross/dirty/shameful (1 Corinth 7:3–5)

2) Our sexual desires are broken.

Culture says “you have a desire, so satisfy it. Just don’t overdo it.” (Realism)
Our sexual appetites operate differently from our other natural appetites (hunger, thirst)
So, we must flee. (1 Corinth 6:18)
How is it different from all other appetites? C.S. Lewis explains:

If anyone says that sex, in itself, is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once. But, of course, when people say, ‘Sex is nothing to be ashamed of,’ they may mean ‘the state into which the sexual instinct has now got is nothing to be ashamed of’. If they mean that, I think they are wrong. I think it is everything to be ashamed of. There is nothing to be ashamed of in enjoying your food: there would be everything to be ashamed of if half the world made food the main interest of their lives and spent their time looking at pictures of food and dribbling and smacking their lips.

3) Sex is not just to make you happy.

1 Corinth 7 proves that if you can be happy as a celibate single person, then the intention of sex would not be to bring upon happiness.

Keller goes onto explain what sex is:

1) It builds the Kingdom (kids!)

2) It mirrors love that exists in the Trinity

3) It mirrors the joy in our relationship with the Trinity

4) It unifies

Keller refers to sex within marriage as a “covenant renewal ceremony” (becoming one flesh)
He states it creates a “deep intimacy, oneness, and communion between two people.” (This is the part that flipped the switch for me. Maybe because it feels the most romantic?) Gen 2:24; 4:14
Romantic (un-biblical) View: Emotional happiness (great sex) warrants marriage. So, we tack on the awesome sex to all the other “emotional” reasons for marrying someone. Whereas….
Biblical View: A binding covenant warrants great sex. Keller reminds us that God is fully aware that we are not to rely on our emotions and that’s why covenants are crucial to him. The covenant with our spouse mirrors Gods unconditional love for us.
Sex “renews and revitalizes the marriage covenant.” This means sex is not a self-pleasure tool in a marriage. So, if a husband seeks to renew his marriage covenant with his wife, because his priority is not himself, the sex is actually much more giving than it is receiving. That’s what I got from this message.
It requires, essentially, an “alternative city.” Keller defines this as a community of Christian singles and married couples and families that are in each other’s lives, not idolizing one path over the other. Amazing. He goes onto explain that this type of community that doesn’t make an idol of marriage or “make singles feel abnormal” would actually allow us to “practice sex-free romantic involvements.” I couldn’t agree more.

All that being said, I’m not totally shielded from temptations and I definitely desire marriage and sex. But circling back to what Keller said about the Gospel — I’m just reminded of Gods love for me, and I desire to be with someone who feels the same way about sex. It’s Gods idea. He created it. And He also sacrificed his Son as a message to the world that I am loved and that Christ is perfect. I won’t lie and tell you to force yourself to feel content. The desire to be with someone is in our DNA. But it’s important to keep turning to Christ. Every day, whether we marry or not. When you look upon His beauty, it’s that much harder to not obey.

Now, I can rest assured that my response to not having sex outside of marriage can be more than just “because I’m not supposed to.” I can inform people that I believe it was created for a marriage. And that because it was created to happen with someone that I declared in front of my community and God, to be the person I would spend the rest of my days with, walking with Christ. Maybe that’s a long-winded response. But, it’s beautiful. And I’m happy.