7 Signs You’re Suffering from NoMatch
The Unspoken Syndrome of Former College Athletes
It is time to break the silence. Former college athletes have been suffering far too long. Your time of liberation is here.
Say it out loud, NoMatch. Run those words together quickly with fervor. NoMatch: when the you of today no longer matches with the you of your former athletic prowess. This refers to the you of your glory days and the you of twenty-some years later, thirty-some years later- or more. Finally you can make sense of your current state and be set free. No more silence.
You may have NoMatch if:
7. You can’t stop talking to the television.
You watch sporting events, game shows and any type of competition with the intensity of a hound stalking it’s prey. It doesn’t matter if it’s Let’s Make a Deal or your team in the Super Bowl. You are physically incapable of keeping your thoughts in your head. They squirm out and spew their mania upon that emotion evoking rectangle. Your adrenaline is pumping and you must make the world and your dog aware. Your level of intensity no longer matches competitions accurately.
6. The volume you use at youth sporting events sets off car alarms.
There. Someone said it. I know. I’ll give you a moment………….
A little relief too, huh? It’s that same adrenaline that pops up around the glorious old television. It produces a slightly different range at times audible to dogs alone. There is something about a live competition that allows you to communicate in this rarely used frequency. I know that you understand they are only four years old. I know that you know that too much too soon can burn them out. I know that even if your child walks across the field hand in hand with a friend laughing during a game, you’ll find a way to scream, “You can do it! Make friends like a boss! Go team!” This is not something that you can control. Today you can finally forgive yourself. It’s NoMatch. The volume of your voice no longer matches the team for which you cheer.
5. Your heart says yes, but your body has another plan.
You are asked to play sports in an adult league. You suit up, show up and warm up. You are in it to win it 100%. But when you throw yourself out on that court, you wheeze and hobble along. A few minutes in, you can’t feel anything. You’re convinced that you are 20 years old and back in the groove. Sadly, you have caused nerve damage, sprained your ankle, dislocated your shoulder and are in complete shock. Your desire to play no longer matches your aging body’s ability to play. Breathe deep. I know, we’re cutting through that denial and it hurts so bad.
4. Sleeping while traveling seems like a good idea.
You’ve ridden so many buses, vans and/or planes that you own the road. The moment you hopped aboard that transportation sleep station with your team, it was like someone cast a spell on you in your fancy clothes. You could sleep sitting up. Nap crouched in a ball. Stretch out one leg and leave another cramped. Hang upside down from the ceiling. Anywhere. Anytime. Any transportation. With no negative consequences. You think you can still do this. Just tilting your head two degrees to the right for a ten second nap leaves your muscles frozen. You need bio-freeze and a massage therapist ASAP. Relax. I know. You feel understood for the first time ever. It’s that NoMatch again. Your body sleeping curled into 54 knots in 1993 does not match with your middle age self that grunts when going from a sit to stand change of posture. Word.
3. You think your sporting equipment is plentiful and strong.
You from 1994 had 20 pairs of Nikes: wet turf, dry turf, cross training, weight training, running, walking, jumping, parachuting, mime class specific- whatever. If there was an occasion to change shoes, you had them and you were not going to tear your ACL because it was the right shoe dag-nabbit. Today, when you think of exercise, your mind sees those 20 pairs of shoes, 40 pairs of mesh shorts, 40 Champion t’s, practice equipment and game day gear. I’m going to bust down a little more denial. When you go to work out today, this picture from 1994 no longer matches what lies in your closet. This is a common hallucination. What lies in front of you today includes ace bandages, braces, ice packs, heating pads, arch supports, numbing cream, essential oils, Ibuprofen, and one pair of sneakers. *Be sure to bring a trusted friend or family member with you to examine your closet at this point. You will need their guidance and support as the blinders are slowly removed from your eyes. NoMatch is ramping up. It’s painful. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know.
2. You agree to play sports with children.
They are smaller, less experienced and you can “show them a thing or two,” about sports. One slow reach to your right and BOOM! Your back goes out. The you from college loved being athletic and had no fear. The you of 2017 thought playing with the kids was brilliant. Bring out that heating pad we mentioned in #3 along with the Ibuprofen. You’re going to need it. And you’re going to need a few days of rest. Yep. NoMatch strikes again. You of 2017 attempting to play sports with kids no longer matches that nimble youth of years gone by.
P.S. If you put a goal or hoop where there is only five feet of space in front of it, you will get a YesMatch. That’s a win for you of 2017.
1. You think it’s normal to have five thousand sweats, t’s and jackets.
It is of utmost importance to examine this criterion carefully when diagnosing NoMatch. Those sweats, t’s and jackets from twenty plus years ago have holes, are faded and let’s be honest- there’s dry rot. Straight up dry rot. This is going to be hard, but it will be most beneficial in beginning to free your disconnect of body and mind. Grab the bottom of one of those stank shirts with your left hand. Now grab the top of that same stank shirt with your right hand. Gently pull your hands away from each other. You hear that? That’s not clothes. Don’t wear that out in public. It’s perfectly acceptable to wear the funk of the 90s around the house as long as you don’t answer the door, take selfies or step outside.
The future can be bright for those afflicted with NoMatch syndrome. Knowledge about your condition will help provide the freedom you need to move forward in life. Be on the lookout for the first annual NoMatch convention joining former college athletes from around the world to expedite healing.
#StrengthInNumbers #TogetherWeMatch #NoMatchStrong