Why I Can’t Sleep

In honor of the bravest, most vulnerable children

The Child Welfare system often perpetuates child abuse.

It’s 1:30am. I saw you six hours ago. I know you are not safe. You told me- again.

I fought for you. I fought so hard. I called, faxed, e-mailed, made abuse reports and court reports. I did it again and again and again. There were others who fought hard for you. But we couldn’t get you safe.

You think I do this “just for the money.” I do not make millions and many times I spend hours fighting to obtain partial payment. You are not aware of my story and the hope that I have seen. That’s why I fight. I hold that hope for you.

But, it is 1:30am and I am brushing my teeth. I just calmed down enough to start getting ready for bed. It takes much longer these days. Seventeen years ago I had more energy……..when I started counseling.

I do the things I suggest. In reality, you are one of the best accountability partners going. If I don’t take good care of myself, I know I am useless to you and what I say will most certainly not speak as loud as what I do. You figured that out as a toddler. That ability to watch and interpret the nonverbal cues. Words have almost no meaning to you.

Now, it is 1:33am and I have done meditations and prayer. I took a walk and called a friend. I ran around the yard with my dog. I used to be able to separate your life from mine by now. I have all of my self-care pieces in order and many mentors, colleagues and support systems who ensure that. I really thought if I had all of the support that I need, I would never be affected like this.

Somewhere along the way I became really tired. My immune system stopped working as well. My dismay with the system that perpetuated your abuse gnaws on me. While I can help you in a therapy session, I believe that I also end up hurting you in the long run. By that I mean that I ask you to open up and disclose thoughts and feelings. Once you do that, I follow through and I stand up for you. You want me to. Unfortunately, those who I communicate with do not always make choices that help you. You are starting to trust again and then you are let down by being put back into an abusive environment or not given the permanency that could allow you to begin to develop trust and safety with a healthy adult.

It was never you, the children/teens, that wore me out. Sure, we could have tough sessions, but I would bounce back and we would work through it. Often times the glitch ended up helping your process of learning to trust. What brings the constant wear to my soul is the fact that no matter what I did and no matter what others who were fighting for you did- you were placed back in the care/visitation/transportation/communication and sometimes all of these scenarios- with your abusers. I couldn’t reconcile being called an expert in childhood trauma by the court system with that same system refusing to follow the suggestions of the experts and professionals involved with you.

You were so brave. Even looking at me- attempting to engage in play or conversation with an adult was one of the most courageous acts I have EVER seen. You had so many adults that used you, yet you started to trust me. You started to trust a few adults. It took a while, but the fact that you kept coming, week after week, and didn’t give up is inspirational. I am in awe of your resiliency.

So here I am, brushing my teeth, with this rage in my soul at the injustice of how you are treated. The rage festers and I cry. I have cried really hard for you.

I have prayed for you. I have talked to colleagues about the abuse that is perpetuated in our system for children. Then I made more calls, sent more letters and wrote more reports.

I need you to know that I have wrestled with God many times. Nothing has tested my faith more than what I have seen happen to you and so many children from various states and counties in our country. You DID NOT deserve any of it. I would love to tell you that I understood why the 15 abuse reports that were made (and there were probably more) during the past year alone did not create change to keep you safe- despite the pain and behaviors you exhibited. I saw the bruises, the scrapes, the cuts, the burns and most importantly I saw your precious broken heart.

Alone and hopeless at the hands of the system made to protect you.

You were placed in a safe, comfortable, loving home. Then you were court ordered to walk back into abuse. Then walk back to safety. Then walk back to abuse. Then walk back to safety. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. Next you were sent on “supervised” visits. That meant that a professional met with you and your abuser to ensure that you remained safe. I know that your abuser was able to talk with you and accompanied you to different rooms without the “supervisor.” I know how quickly abuse happens- the words and actions that can be conveyed and make you doubt every ounce of your being. Why would you ever allow yourself to feel closeness in relationship again?

You want to protect yourself. After all, none of the adults have been able to stop the visits to an abuser. No one can tell you that you will be living forever with a particular person. Court has been postponed more times than you can remember, which just drags out the whole process and rips the few connected strands that you still have of your heart apart.

In time, I will find new ways to fight harder than ever for you. I will write your story and the story of many whose path I have been fortunate to cross- never details to identify specific people. I always told you that your voice mattered and it does. It will continue to speak and it will grow louder. I will use my voice to make your voice heard in new ways, as I have done with this article.

Your impact on me is nothing short of miraculous and you will inspire others. Thank you for trusting me with a portion of your story.

Stephanie Van Ingen

Written by

Lover of hope, laughter and genuine conversation. Wife, Mom, LCSW, business owner, writer and field hockey coach.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade