I had several fainting spells during the past, unfortunately during a few of them I hit my head pretty hard. The thing I hated about them was that I wish they had been a sport injury lol, at least they happened while doing something I love. The second last one gave me vertigos for years until finally they stopped. Another way they impact me was my vision, I began having major food intolerance. One thing I have to be honest with myself thanks to your article, is that after each bump I would become less caring of what was truly important to me, the good moments would make me feel nothing, and would focus on stupid past negative events for no reason.
I never forget one day in particular, I was at Walmart wit my mom, I was in my happy art section, browsing through stuff doing my thing, all of a sudden while looking at a tool I felt this HIT of depression crawling on me and wrapping me, just like nothing all of a sudden I felt like dying.
It was so quick and unwanted I knew it was not a result of my own train of thought. As a result I got very angry and felt even more depressed, feeling as if someone is pulling a prank on me. As a matter of fact when it happened my first reaction was to put the tool down and slowly gaze around me as if I was checking out if something just happened that you missed out on. At that point my whole trip to the store was ruined, I was blank, my mom came by and asked what was wrong, I just wiped one tear away feeling defeated and said “what is wrong with me”? My mom was totally clueless and confused, I apologized to her while she hugged me, she tried to distract me by asking if I wanted to buy anything, I said I just want to go home.
Initially I compared to myself to bipolar people because of the sudden mood switch but then I realized it was much more deeper and dark than that. After my last head bump I forgot about self care, and the only thing that mattered to me is people liking me because otherwise I felt guilty of doing something awfully wrong. Stupid stuff from the past that did not even bug me magically resurfaced instilling the desire in me to call them and make sure they are ok with me and not hate me.
At one point of my life I realized I had to be careful leading a life like that because it would cause people around me to feel like they could destroy me in a second, some would take advantage of it by manipulating me, some would avoid me to prevent hurting my feelings, some would think I was raised as a delicate flower at home (far from it) and expect such treatment from everyone else. Even the though of people thinking of me this way makes me want to shove myself in a cubicle and hide.
I used to be this crazy fun artist, ready to conquer the world, I wanted to meet everyone, I wanted everyone to know my name. I was lucky to hold on tight and stick to my job, however unlike you, I do not have the guts to write my name on my blog for fear of being recognized by whoever and judged.