Yesterday i met austin. I was waiting since 6 at his door. I wanted to tell him that im at his door but I couldn’t until 8:30. I didn’t have a courage to say. I was afraid he might not want to see me. While i was waiting him one of neighbors who looks like middle aged korean man asked me ‘seems you don’t know the number?’ Of course i know his door number but i was suddenly confused. Did i know his number? What’s the number exactly? I mean if number means more figuratively. Did i really know him? Did i want to know him more? Or i just wanted him to be with me? Then suddenly I remember he deosn’t even memorize his phone number. At that time, I felt everything is temporary for him. Being here is temporary. Was Being with me also temporary?
I sent him a message that im waiting for him to give something, which was my notebook. Yesterday i missed him so much So I couldn’t do anything but write something to say to him. Then He showed up. He was running towards me. I was so afraid so I couldn’t even look at his face. Then i saw his face. He looked same. I was so glad that i saw him.
And we talked for almost 2 hours. I asked him to read my notebook very slowly. He read it and he couldn’t say anything right away. I remember he said he read my message many times and cried a lot. I was also afraid the fact that he can’t feel something very deeply not like me. After he read it, he said he’s now confused because he deosn’t know all the emotions he felt. I had little hope that he might come to me back. But i tried to not to think about this. Eventually i always knew that we need time to be apart and have our own time. See, we are the type of people who need our space more than anything. If once we feel we don’t have time to be alone, everything becomes irritating and boring. I wondered what made him that way.
I sincerely told him what i feel. Once summer told me if you treat him sincerely, it works. Guess it might be too late. But i don’t want to regret it no more. The fact that i love him so much is not shameful thing to hide. It’s actually beautiful thing. I really wanted him to know that. But What made him to give up all the hope and love?
One thing bothering my mind is that he didn’t really answer my question which was can i be your good friend? Why he didn’t answer this firmly? I know. But i don’t want to say it out loud.
I said to him keep in touch and don’t be a stranger. He was turning back towards me to go bed and crying. I wanted to hold him more but I couldn’t. Will I regret this? The one thing I couldn’t be honest is that i still want him. But you know, one sided love is not actually love. It can be violence.
The moment I walked out his door, I talked myself ‘you did good job. I know it took a lot of courage. Well done. Im so proud of you.’ I looked at the sky and wished more rain! Rain makes you heal.
I hope austin read my letter many times. And i want him to know I really loved him. He’s such a special person to me. And i was really happy with him. He’s genuinely awesome person. He’s type of person that i wanted to be.
Im still waiting him to say he changes his mind and come back to me. So day 1
Also don’t have high hope. This can be just about me being lonely and sad. But i know eventually it makes me grow. It was just painful to bear. It’s part of life. People come and go. It’s such a harsh fact to realize.
Today it’s raining so hard. I always think the whether is on my side. I know It sounds stupid but whenever i wish rain, It rained. I hope him to look back our memories. Whatever he feels, i really hope he’s happy. He will be.