digging out
Freddie deBoer
14917

Totally get it, Freddie. My life has been a repeating pattern of run away fast triggered by a typhoon of fear ( fear of _________). Fill in the blank.

For me, it usually revolved around something, anything, that would peel back a layer of self and leave me highly vulnerable. My blanks would be: commitment, the unknown, not being perfect, mistakes, love, not knowing how to love, and the list could go on.

So, in this fear induced fugue, I would roll out into the “ wilderness.” You’re totally right, Freddie. All the figurative baggage comes along with me. It may stay nestled in the luggage for a bit because this is all new, fresh, and fun. I have things to do, places to go, and people to see in order to carve out a new me, a new life. Doesn’t last, as you mentioned.

The deeper bubbles that led to me running in the first place always surfaced and still do, if I do not confront them. I’m 45 years old and just now glimpsing these patterns that I’ve unknowingly treked on most of my life.

To me, awareness was and is key to all of it. If I’m not aware of the very simple and often subtle messages from mind and body, things can spin out pretty quickly. I also make an effort to let go of expectations. Expectations are killers in my book. Expectations lead me right into the chaotic mess of “ I can control everything.” The only thing I control is…ready for this…almost nothing.

Ever been to an amusement park or fair and driven one of those old time 1920s gangster cars that goes around a track and has a rail beneath it? Totally cool to drive one of those things when I was a young fella because I thought I had total control over the car. I thought I was driving. Until, BOOM!!, I hit the rail in the center and it kept me on the track. For me, the more I choose to drive, the more I hit the rail. If I let go, that damn car rolls along as smooth as a new Cadillac. Sorry, I got a little windy on you. Thanks for the article, Freddie. Much love.

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