10 | 11 | 2016

First page of my journal out of the how many eth journals I’ve had throughout my 22 years of living. At least this is one where I can’t rip out the pages, like I just did an hour ago in attempt to re use a black hard bound notebook.

It’s also the first day being single again, as I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months (which is yesterday); a relationship longer by one month than my previous boyfriend. Does 10 months even count as “long”? Well it’s the longest I’ve ever been (stayed) with someone.

God what a horrible person I am.

I walk around the empty house and keep saying “sorry”, “I’m sorry”, “I’m so so sorry”, as if he could hear me loud and clear all the way from wherever he is now. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s drinking, as alcohol has been a long term friend of his since elementary.

Such a great guy and I devoured him whole, then spit him out.

Why am I so lifeless then, if I was the one who initiated this break up? Why do I feel so limp? Why do I randomly tear up out of nowhere?

According to my mom, “The human heart is weak.”

I agree.. As I just hurt another human’s heart.

I just didn’t love him as much as I know I am capable of. I half hearted my love to him. I do love him, mind you. I do, but just not with all the veins in my body. I’m not happy with him.

I guess I deserve not having anyone to talk to. We have mutual friends, which were my friends and first, then he started hanging out with them just last year. I think they like him more than me. And I think that’s okay. He can have them. Sad for me, but I think I’ll survive.

He was that one person I talked to about everything. He was more of a friend than a lover. I wish he could still be my friend (such a cliche thing to say), but I’m those types of people that when they have an SO, that’s the one person you talk to about everything with, and no one else. Such a horrible way to live, I know.

Where are all my best friends? Two of my closest friends are back in the states, one just got out of rehab and is now back with his ex girlfriend of many years, another one is too busy skyperbating with his girlfriend, one is busy getting high on anything she can find these days, and the last one was my other ex boyfriend whom I rather not bother as I don’t want to come off as annoying.

So I’m left alone. No job. No boyfriend. And I understand that this is my own doing, but I think this would be good for me. You know, getting back to writing a journal, deleting all my social media accounts, and reading more.

I need to get off this island.