Figment Daily Themes: Home

Seriously, girls who work at Hooters. What’s not to like?

Dialogue
“It’s the only way I can get back home.”

INT./EXT. STARBUCKS — DAY

Early afternoon in Starbucks on a weekday. A couple of guys are obviously skipping school. There’s a hipster in the corner working on his latest failure-guaranteed script. Several tables are empty.

Sitting outside is BURNER, who might be stoned and might just really that be relaxed, button-up undone and tie-askew like his hair, across from NAOIMI, who would rather be getting back to work at the Hooters across the way and looks it.

BURNER
It’s the only way I can get back home.

NAOIMI
Of _course_ it is. Why wouldn’t it be?

Burner frowns and fiddles with the black ESPRESSO in front of him. On the side is scrawled “BURGER” in childish script.

BURNER
Look, why would I make something like this up, Ni? Seriously. It sounds like bullshit when I say it. I can only imagine how it sounds hearing it.

Naomi sits back in her chair and stretches. Even inside, the skipping kids draw a visible breath and their eyes bug a little.

Burner doesn’t even blink.

NAOIMI
Fine, fine, let’s just assume that you’re not insane. And, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that I go along with this crazy plan.

She takes a long draw from the light-coloured LATTE in the venti cup on which is comically wrong “NIMI.”

BURNER
Alright.

NAOIMI
First I have to break into the storage area of the Staples where you work.

BURNER
You could _seduce_ your way in.

NAOIMI
I don’t care how bad your day has been, I’m not going to come on to your disgustingly cute manager-of-the-day, no matter how bubbly her ass is.

BURNER
Think of the resale value of the surveillance video!

NAOIMI
(firmly)
Break into. Sneak. Possibly stealth. _Not_ seduce.

BURNER
Fine, fine.

NAOIMI
And then I get the —

BURNER
 — Super Duty Bubble Wrap in the 300 foot long roll. Two if you can.

NAOIMI
Right. And just roll them out the back door to your waiting car.

BURNER
Exactly. Why I can’t do it without you.

NAOIMI
Your SmartCar is crap, you know that?

BURNER
Every time I go shopping.

NAOIMI
Two rolls of 300 feet of bubble wrap in my SUV, which we drive away with —

BURNER
Never to return.

NAOIMI
Never to return. I see. Then we go off to the Home Despot and _buy_ sixty feet of… Why are we buying double-woven nylon rope when we just stole 600 feet of bubble wrap?

BURNER
That shit is expensive! Nearly $50 a roll, retail. I saved us $100!

NAOIMI
“Us.” Right. So, sixty feet of nylon rope, some carabiners, a — what was that?

Burner fetches a wrinkled and many-folded NAPKIN out of his pocket and spreads it on the table in front of her before taking a long, self-satisfied pull of the espresso.

The napkin has a series of neatly-printed items on it, a few with CHECKMARKS. There may be a couple dozen things here in very small, block print.

NAOIMI
Jesus, Burner. Did you laser print this on a napkin?

BURNER
I’ll have you know I have very good penmanship. Best in my sixth-grade class.

NAOIMI
You stayed in that long? Your parents must’ve been ecstatic, you being the most educated in your family like that.

BURNER
Except for Uncle Steve. He went into chemistry and worked designing MREs in the ‘40s.

NAOIMI
Of course he did.
(muttering to herself)
Carabiners, hooks, chunk of hook-shaped metal…

She stops and just looks up at him.

NAOIMI
“Hook-shaped metal?”

BURNER
For climbing.

NAOIMI
Rappelling hooks exist, dumbass.

BURNER
Oh. Cool. That saves at least four hours of prep right there!

NAOIMI
And this is the only —

BURNER
 — way I can get back home, right. Yes. Only way.

Burner’s phone RINGS (a submarine klaxxon) deep in his pocket. He rummages through his pants long enough the ring starts getting pained looks from people walking buy. Naoimi shrugs and the visual is apparently satisfying enough to help them on their way.

When he pulls it out, Burner’s PHONE says exactly where he got his name. So non-descript as to draw attention to itself, so generic no one would steal it lost on the street.

BURNER
(to phone)
Mush-mushi.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
I’ll be there by —

He checks his WATCH. It’s expensive and very digital.

BURNER
 — 6pm.
I’ll have the money. 
Of course! Would I lie to you?
Okay. 
Thanks mom.

He hangs the phone up with a practiced flick and drops it onto the table.

NAOIMI
You’re not going to have the money, are you?

BURNER
Are you kidding? Of course not.

NAOIMI
Of course.

She fiddles with her drink this time. A guy keeping his hands in his coat pockets walks by her with only a little stolen glance and into the coffee shop.

NAOIMI
Burner, this is a really bad idea.

BURNER
Oh, like that’s a new thing.

NAOIMI
It’s not. But this is _particularly_ bad.

Burner gives Naoimi his best winning smile.

BURNER
But you could never leave me hanging, right?

She stares at him.

A beat.

NAOIMI
Yes, absolutely. But I won’t. When else am I going to get to be involved in breaking in a conspiracy to break into an NSA/CIA black site?

BURNER
With a secret alien laboratory underneath! Never forget that!

NAOIMI
With a secret alien laboratory underneath, yes, yes.

Burner abruptly stands up, leans over, and kisses her on the cheek.

BURNER
Thanks, Ni! You’re the best!

She sighs in a very practiced way.

NAOIMI
The bubble wrap better not be to be there to make a bikini for me out of to film while rolling around on and in the remnants, to post to YouTube, to make millions to fund the rest of this hare-brained scheme.

BURNER
I thought I’d ask the barista if she was down for that.

Naoimi gives a speculative look through the front plate glass at the GIRL BARISTA.

NAOIMI
Yeah, alright then.
(standing)
I need to finish my shift.