Figment Daily Themes: Katsup

A Hasidic Jew, New Jersey Cop, and a Bottle of Katsup Walk Into a Bathroom…

INT. RECTORY BATHROOM — NIGHT

The bathroom is in utter disarray. The entire mirror is ripped out of the wall, drugs strewn everywhere. The shower curtain is pulled half-down and sags limply across the way. Spots of some red liquid browning at the edges fleck the back of the shower. CSI has clearly already been and gone, leaving marks and outlines around this and that.

DETECTIVE JOHN MAY crouches over the mess, looking about as disgusted as a 30 year member of the force might. DETECTIVE HIRAM AHRENS stands just outside, Hasidic dress and beard clashing incongruously with his environment. He leans against the doorframe and appears to be sketching the outlines of the room in the air.

MAY
You still creep me out a little, you know.

AHRENS
Meh. God is good to you and I alike. To you, he gives a partner who sees things. To me, he gives a burden I can learn to carry. Wonderful, no?

May creeps along the edge of the tub, looking at the lines of residue.

AHRENS
Is that blood?

MAY
(sniffing it)
No?

AHRENS
That is not a question that you should answer with another question.

May dabs a finger at a splotch of particularly large size, then tastes it.

MAY
Not blood.

AHRENS
Good for you, otherwise you’d lose credibility as a vampire!

MAY
I’m not a vampire.

AHRENS
You’re licking what might be blood. Vampire.

MAY
(holding up his finger)
Katsup.

Ahrens raises a brow in disbelief.

AHRENS
Katsup? Someone had the late night cravings, came in here, and fumbled the bottle all over the room?

May pushes himself to his feet and gestures about.

MAY
No red gunk on the toilet paper. All of it’s directed toward the inside of the shower and the door. Splatter pattern here and here indicates it was pretty squirt-y. Nothing on the _back_ side of the door, so it was open. Drizzle on the floor between the toilet and the opening. You did note what’s missing, right?

Ahrens pulls away from the doorframe and points at the wall behind.

AHRENS
This wall is closer to God than anyone, it’s so clean.

MAY
That’s a Christian thing.

AHRENS
Don’t be ridiculous. Anyway, for this wall to be so spotless in morality —

MAY
 — someone was standing there.

AHRENS
Why someone in the rectory was squirting ketchup at someone else in the bathroom is truly a mystery for the ages.

MAY
That’s why they pay us the big bucks.



Figment Daily Themes-March 27, 2017
Dialogue
“Is that blood?”
​”No?”
“That’s not a question you should ask with another question.”
Use these lines as inspiration for a short story or poem.
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