Children & Their Mental Health: Building Positive Bonds

Sreya Vittaldev
Aug 22, 2017 · 5 min read

Ah childhood, such a happy time. All one was required to do was play, learn a few alphabets and numbers, eat and sleep. There was always someone to worry for you, someone to smother you with affection and attention.

We’re stepping into a time where we are learning to be more cognizant of ourselves and the role we’re playing, in not just our individual lives but also as part of a collective community itself.

Children happen to play a very important role in building this community. They are the future of tomorrow’s world, the one that we’re trying to build today.

When I was growing up in the early 90s India, the concept of “mental health care” was unheard of in my household, neighbourhood and schools. I’m sure this was the case for many generations prior to the 90s and after. We grew up in a time where we were cajoled, threatened, beaten, emotionally arm-twisted and humiliated by family and school teachers to study “harder”, to “obey” and “abide” by family’s expectations, to not have opinions or question things, to not speak up for yourself. Imagine growing up in this toxic environment for 17–21 years of your life, graduating with a job and transforming into a miraculously responsible adult. It’s a lot of work and it’s no wonder why majority of us Indians are harbouring unresolved/repressed emotions and acting out in unhealthy ways. We can see how this translated — the way our adult relationships of today are mostly dysfunctional and imbalanced.

This brings me to a question I ask you all to think on. How can we build a positive emotional space for our children so they grow into healthy, happy adults?

The first step lies in building trust between you and your child. Being your child’s primary caretaker alone isn’t good enough to harbour love and trust. Yes you cook them their favourite food, buy them their favourite toys and clothes. All you expect in return is good grades and good behaviour. You hope that these are good enough reasons for a child to obey and display good behaviour.

To a child, the only memories that stick out the most are the times they were hurt and put down by their parent, teacher or by their peers. Some children tend to hold on to these resentments silently without acknowledging them while others tend to act it out during their adolescent years.

Here are a few pointers on how we can cultivate a mentally and emotionally responsible environment with children, specially when they make mistakes:

  1. Allow the child to speak her/his mind

Whether you’re a parent, relative or a teacher — you need to honour this. Let the child speak out and identify her/his feelings through words. Emotions are very confusing for children as they don’t fully understand them. By letting them communicate, you are encouraging them to feel confident about opening up. You’re also building trust and a healthy ego for the child.

2. Never let the fight get bigger than your relationship with the child

As adults, we are at our highest evolved selves and sometimes that can leave us short-sighted when it comes to dealing with children. It seems irrational, irritating and makes us very impatient when you have a “fight/argument” with your child about something they did or didn’t do. Finding compromises can help, specially with your child.

3. Never publicly humiliate your child.

This one’s a non-negotiable. A lot of parents resort to publicly name-calling their child and insulting them in front of people. They don’t understand the negative repercussions this might have on their child. This causes them to feel unworthy and not valued. Calmly address the issue with your child in a corner or later at home.

4. Pay attention to your child’s mental well being

Monitor their behaviour, the things they like to spend time doing are often a reflection of their state of mind. Sometimes we tend to overlook a child’s call for help by passing it off as attention-seeking. As adults, we often don’t take what children say seriously and pass it off as gibberish. It’s important to ascertain what’s gibberish and what’s not.

5. Using fear and manipulation isn’t the way to bring up a child

I’ve personally seen this happen with many children I met at both private and government run schools. Many of them are emotionally blackmailed (by way of threats and terrifying ultimatums) into doing what the parent asks them to do under the guise of “goodwill”. It leaves children traumatized as a result of which, they constantly live in fear in their own homes. Instead, find a common ground for your child like curfews and set strict limitations that will encourage them to complete their tasks before they set out to do anything else.

6. Never physically/mentally harass your child

I think by far, this is the most traumatizing of them all. I read a report from August 2014 that stated facts from UNICEF — 82% children reported to being mentally harassed by their parents while 69% are physically abused. As a teacher, relative, stranger or parent — understand that you are breaking the child’s trust and causing them to feel pain and fear, each time you raise your hand against them. This is by far the worst conditioning method to use while disciplining your child. Many parents are of the belief that because they gave birth to the child, they are allowed to discipline them as they please. If you find yourself thinking this, please distance yourself from your child and check yourself into a mental health institution — you need help.

7. Love your child and take an interest in the things they love.

This is by far the easiest thing you can do and it costs you nothing. Find commonalities between you and the child, find one specific activity that both of you enjoy and use it as a way to bond. When they grow older, children drift away to a bigger world and they’ll always have something to look back at and rejoice. So will you. This will help them appreciate the relationship they share with you.

Childhood is a time where happy memories are built. Before the call of teenage angst and adulthood sets in, ensure you’ve brought them up in a safe and loving environment that will give them the strength to handle anything that’s in store for them.

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Sreya Vittaldev

Written by

Food writer and researcher. Living with Bipolar Disorder.

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