Here’s What Happened When A Balinese Indonesian Woman Raising A White Caucasian Child

The moment my baby girl Alexandra was presented to me for just a few seconds after the C-section, I was delighted and relieved she was born healthy and beautiful albeit confused. Moreover, to my astonishment, she looked so Caucasian Western white that I did not recognize in myself. She did not look like me or her father who was a French national (Mind you, he passed away due to a fatal accident when I was 5 weeks pregnant) and that had an impact to our bonding too.

Is there any of you who experience this?

I thought my journey in raising her will be as simple as other Indonesians whose children has similar skin complexion. Turned out, even though she has Indonesian nationality, her Caucasian skin and Western blood has introduced me to some unique perks and challenges.

Let me first start with the perks :

1. In Indonesia, mixed raced Caucasian Indonesians are often the preferred choices for starring at movies or TV series. The Indonesians tend to view white complexion as more superior and attractive. My baby girl would frequently receive attention from the locals no matter where I went and as a solo mother who is struggling with the physical exhaustion from raising her alone while taking care of our household chores, being the sole breadwinner and without any financial and emotional support from my family, his family or the government, and plus she is heavy (nearly 5 pounds for almost 7 months old), I used the opportunity to let them carry her for a little while so I could rest and restore my energy.
2. I also have this blind faith that she will find easier opportunity at other type of work. Of course white people also face fierce competitions both inland and overseas but again it seems that I have in my subconscious, the assumption, that the color of her skin will benefit her more in the long run compared to mine.

Let’s now discuss the challenges

1. I was surprised to find myself confused about what name I should give her. In Bali, the society gives the same names to the first, second, third, and fourth child so it will be very common to find families and their neighbors even with no blood relations whatsoever to call their children with similar names.

I thought about giving the Balinese name for the first child but then I questioned if this would make it harder for her to get a job in developed countries (If she wishes to) and equal salary offered to other Caucasian applicants with Western name.

I started having these concerns after reading some studies about how white employers would reject an applicant whose names indicated people of color especially because it is not required for them to put their pictures in the resume or when I learned that many of them would pay workers from developing countries a lot lower than the Western candidates.

What would you do if you were me?

Case in point : More Western and Caucasian workers who work in Bali will automatically receive higher salary and at the same time they will also be charged higher when doing their shopping.

2. The local babysitter expected me to pay them similarly like what a Western employer can afford them or at least higher compared to what the local parents can give them. Some of them did not want to see I was struggling and received help from an NGO because what only focused on was a White Western child.

One of them even told me how she was embarrassed telling her friends and neighbors that she worked as a babysitter and often bragged that my daughter was her granddaughter but when I asked if she would feel the same way working for a Western employer, she said she wouldn’t.

What I finally decided about it is paying them with the standard minimum wage that I am doing my best to afford.

3. The internal pressure I gave to myself to be able to give my child a Western standard life which I realized was quite biased because I compared myself to the opulent ones.

Many Western residence live a more comfortable life here in Bali compared to the local ones and as a result, they have the means to afford higher qualities of foods, education, and kids activities.

I often felt inferior when I compared myself to them and felt sorry I could not give Alexandra that kind of life.

I tried once to visit a Western style playground for kids that are visited more by Westerners. I thought maybe by doing this, Alexandra would find a place where she feels like she belongs because other kids who look like her. I ended up feeling insecure and with my struggles, I did not think I could relate to their mothers who seemed to have a better financial life and could provide more expensive stuffs to their children.

I was also obsessed about giving her Western standard foods and when I started to get anxious about this, I questioned myself, “Okay, what is Western standard foods for you?”

Some members of the Western community are mindful eaters and some others ate junk foods. Some of them live an extravagant life with reckless abandon while others choose a minimalist and environmentally friendly life style.

A few of them decided to live in Bali because they can buy healthy foods with more reasonable prices and I can afford some of them too. My issue was I could not always afford bringing Alexandra to the expensive Western standard restaurants and that made me feel like a failure.

I did a deeper soul searching about why I had this high anxiety ridden pressure and I realized this obsession was triggered by the pain resulted from the rejection of the family of Alexandra’s father.

I have been hurt and I wanted to prove them that I alone, a Balinese and a mother from developing country am capable in giving the Western standard life for my child without their assistance.

Furthermore, I ended up suffering because instead of focusing on giving a good and happy life, I made a wealthy Western standard living my priority.

4. Many locals confused whether I was my baby’s helper or her mother. Sometimes I laughed when I observed how cautious they were before deciding to ask me with that question.

I know this issue is not unique since Meghan Markle’s mother was assumed to be her maid when she was younger.

5. Some of my Indonesian friends would say, “You are lucky she was born white. Do you choose she would inherit your skin?” This is the classic example of how the Indonesian feels inferior about their own skin.

6. Finally, the irony. I am a woman who is able to appreciate the color of my skin better. It did not happen organically because I was raised to believe that white skin is more superior. I started to feel confident with it since I dated Western men who often praised how exotic I looked.

I was also one who thought about suing any cosmetic companies who put whitening in their products because I believe their ads have roles in making more Indonesians feel insecure with the color of their skins. I hate visiting cosmetic shops where most of the brands they help selling contained whitening. In addition, I am one who would buy foundation which would compliment the color of my complexion and would deliberately buy the ones used by black people simply to make sure my face would not look white.

However, I have learned only because I love my skin, it does not mean I want Alexandra to have darker complexion. I realized this when my Australian friend thought I was silly to put a full on jacket on my baby in a broad day light and when I was asked myself why I did it, it was simply because I did not want her to have darker complexion.

I like my skin and yet I want Alexandra to remain white.

It is odd but it happens…

Can you relate to my struggles? Or how is it different with you and in your country?