Master, it’s time for another masterstroke!

Kulfibaba
Kulfibaba
Sep 3, 2018 · 4 min read

To my beloved master,

Please master, do not construe my humble appeal as dissent. I do not have the guts to rot in a jail cell like that disabled Professor. So please master, consider this as a prayer from a humble slave of the corporate world. In fact, master may know my bosses. I hear Corporate firms are master’s best friends forever.

My humble prayer is for a patient hearing. A scatterbrain that I am, I get this feeling that master does not understand us — the middle class taxpayers. No master, I am not blaming you. It’s our fault that we have not made our presence felt. My people were given to believe that the only service expected from us was to work hard and pay taxes on time. I promise you master, we have been doing that sincerely.

Let me list some of them out for you…

  1. We have maintained a safe distance between us, the white collars, and your seasonal friends, the blue collars. We have not let them spread their contagious infection called unionism to us.
  2. If someone gets lynched for eating the holy animal, we walk away and pretend not to see it. Some among us even nod in approval. I promise master, many of us do not even carry eggs in our lunch box anymore.
  3. We ensure our children study only technology. To hell with humanities and social sciences. God forbid, if they ever set foot in JNU we will throw them out of our houses!
  4. We understand master, that taxpayer money cannot be wasted on social sciences students who challenge your political hegemony. It must only be spent mass producing technocrats who slave for your BFFs.
  5. Though master was kind enough to make laws declaring that we have to work only 8 hours a day, we work 10 hours (excluding the 3 hour commute to office) to make master’s BFF happy.
  6. When master said that it was not enough to just pay taxes and that we must file paperwork to prove that we did ‘pay our dues’, we happily obliged. When master demanded fines from us for delaying proof of having paid taxes we called it masterstroke!

But after I read about how our tax money, the money that we owe you, was being spent, I thought I should give master some ideas. It is time for yet another masterstroke!

I read somewhere that 1 billion dollars was going to be spent on construction of two massive statues, one on Narmada River and other on the Mumbai seashore.

Pardon me master, for I am unable to see the masterstroke here! Being a human-calculator-on-corporate-lease, I dared to use my limited artificial intelligence to make a few computations. I hope it does not anger master.

For instance, 1 billion dollars translates to 71,21,30,00,000 rupees. Now, master’s faithfuls are saying 5 crore tax filings were made this year. This means, each taxpayer will pay over 14,000 rupees for these statues.

Is that necessary master?

Please don’t get me wrong. There are some JNU-type people saying that 7% of our population is pushed below poverty threshold every year because they have to spend on healthcare and hospital bills from their pocket, and we should put this money to use for them! I say nothing of that sort, master.

Some of these so-called scholars are also saying this sort of money could help reduce petrol prices, or improve access to education, or even rehabilitate those hit by floods way, way down south or east of the country.

These dimwits also go about saying it won’t cost 0.1% of this amount to print books on Sardar Patel and Chhatrapati Shivaji, one copy per citizen. Silly buggers, they don’t know how dangerous reading can be.

But I know. I have heard stories of how master’s faithfuls will even let a guy with a gun get away, but never spare one with a book. But those aren’t my problems, master. Trust me, there’s a better way to spend this money!

I agree. Master was probably thinking of the benefits these statues could bring us citizens. The amount of shade these statues will provide to our unemployed youngsters who languish at seasides and riversides is crucial.

Two more such massive statues to the east and our country will be cooler by 2 degrees. Was this master’s masterstroke to combat global warming, or as I like to call it India warming? Serves well for your critics!

But I have a better proposal, master. I know master will love my proposal. Please spend that one billion dollars on blowing your own trumpet. I read somewhere that master has already spent over 3,000 crore in three years in this trumpet business. Let’s make it a round 10,000 crore in 5 years. It will come handy as next few months are crucial for master.

Also, in that way, a lot of your BFFs can make some extra bucks. Especially those in advertising agencies and news media among others. While you are at it, please do not forget my employer master, for he will throw a few crumbs down to me too. All I need to do is stoop a little lower and give up an ounce or two of my dignity. I am highly skilled at it now!

Please consider our prayers master. Also, please don’t believe those wise Sams — or is it Samwise? — who tell you we are a disloyal bunch who switch our masters at the blink of the eye. We are truly and deeply loyal.

Yours faithfully,

Gollum (A.K.A The Indian Taxpayers)

Kulfibaba

Written by

Kulfibaba

When life gives you kulfis, suck it up!

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