You cried with me, you laughed with me, you danced with me, and you kissed me.
When we first conversed, I thought to myself
“maybe, just maybe, this is it”
“maybe ive found her”
Perhaps because of how forward and vulnerable you were with me. Perhaps because you were going to drive over an hour just to go out with me. Or perhaps because I had just admitted to myself after a recent bout of meaningless sex, “fuck im a romantic, i cant just fuck, quiero ser el amore” and decided to, next time, act accordingly.
Whatever the reason was, I decided to just be my weird dorky self with you. To just wear my heart on my sleeve and do the stupid stuff I do. I would be fully myself with you, stay true to myself and hope that you were the one.
I didn't hold back my thoughts when we messaged each other. I called you gorgeous because you look gorgeous in your tinder and Instagram pics. But you didnt respond to that, I thought:
“she probably doesnt see herself that way.”
I let myself be vulnerable and sent you a stupid video of myself because that is myself. When you said I was “cute as shit” I just about melted. You reached out to me several times and your personality fucked me up even more.
Then it was time.
You came out of your car and I was stunned, you’re the kind of girl that brings out insecurities in guys. What is it they say? A war was started over Helen of Troy? I never understood that, till that moment.
These thoughts raced through my mind “why me? Im ugly af” But I relapsed and went back to being myself.
You warned me before that you were weird.
When we talked, I think you fully exposed yourself to me; all about your life, I think you were your true self to me. Maybe you were probing me to see if I would be able to handle you. I don’t know if you show that side to other people, at least, what you showed me.
You told me you were a liar and a terrible person and that you used people.
You told me all these things but for what reason? Was it to scare me away? To test me?
Were you just playing with me? It didn’t feel that way.
I found it a bit weird that you hadn’t asked a single question about me.
Were you afraid that I would be perfect?
Or were you afraid that I would be boring and completely incompatible? Maybe both? Maybe neither?
I forced myself into the conversation and told you all about me. I exposed myself to you, told you something I had never told anyone and you fired back. I kissed you and you were reluctant. I pulled back. You kind of shook your head no but also chuckled. I think you thought “here we go” like of course that was typical of me. Typical of a guy to do.
Maybe then is when you decided I wasnt the one.
We talked a bit more and I asked you to look me in the eye. That made you cry. And that tore my heart in two because im a fucking romantic, remember?
I still dont know why you cried.
We shared a lot up there but we soon left that spot among the heaven, city and trees.
Oh I just remembered, before we went up there you said that you weren’t relationship material. That you didn’t like it when guys gave you what you wanted because then it was boring. Honestly that’s not me, I can’t be abusive, I’m just filled with love but I continued anyway.
You said you weren’t looking for a relationship, but your actions didn’t support your words.
Why would you act the way you did if you weren’t looking for that? Did you really just come over here so that I could fuck you? Maybe you did.
Maybe you were trying to scare me away again.
But I decided to stay true to myself anyways.
I thought maybe I should suffocate you with love.
When we left you seemed a bit more jovial, we had a few drinks and talked a bit more. I flirted with you and told you exactly how I felt. Told you that I found you gorgeous and you said to me that you weren’t. I think you said you had it confirmed by other people that you weren’t because you had some problems. Like needing to fix your cute fucking lips. I told you that no ones opinion mattered but mine. I said that because I’m selfish but also because I want you to love yourself.
I could feel how everyone looked at you. Everyone gawking at how gorgeous you were but for some reason you couldnt see it.
Your freckles dancing like stars on your painted moonlight skin. Your radiant eyes sparkling under the shitty club lights. Your sexy ass (hey im still a guy haha) bouncing as you danced around.
You thought you were a bad dancer but wherever you danced you were untouchable. You were like a flame to moths. Guys and girls would stare and wish but you just danced your heart out. I didn’t care, let me get scorched, I love playing with fire, I danced with you. (although briefly) Even though you said you wouldn’t.
I kissed you over and over, sometimes you would shake your head but it was different than before.
I just wanted you to feel loved.
That night you had my full amore.
That night I was yours.
You said it was late. I think 5 or 6 hours had gone by in a flash. We got back to my place and truthfully; I didnt want you to leave, I wanted to make love to you, but I knew it wasnt the night. I was wondering how you would react to end the night. I decided I wouldn't try and kiss you. I gave you a hug and then you finally kissed me.
A kiss that flirted on the edge of passion but before it could erupt, you pulled back while my hand still lingered in yours.
Did you pull back because you didn't want to fall for me? Or am I being conceited?
You said: “What if I died right now?”
Me: “I would cry”
A piece of me would of died as well.
Now I’m sitting here wondering what I am to you. You said you liked attention. Was that what this was for? Are you a conqueror of hearts and i’m just another on the list? Or are you afraid of love and fighting against me?
Truthfully, I don’t know if you’re the one. Maybe you are, maybe we’ll be lovers, maybe we’ll be friends, or maybe we wont ever see each other again.
I have to write this down now so that these emotions wont fade, so that I know they were real. Because of my blessed/cursed conditioned behavior of forgetting the past and looking ahead.
Usually I can see further ahead than just a moment, but you confuse me, it’s a wonderful thing. All I know is that:
In this moment, I want to be nowhere else but with you T