Growing up Skinny
Ive been debating on what this post should focus on. Both things I want to talk about revolve around me recently starting to excersice/workout.
About a week ago I decided to schedule out my day in order to have a consistent routine and increase my focus.
I came to the realization I needed a morning and night routine in order to balance out the daily chaos of my life. I tried to set up an hourly schedule for my day but ive tried that several times before and, at least in this stage of my life, not possible.
I always think of the Mike Tyson quote “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth” I’m a big boxing fan by the way, ive been since I was around 10 years old I think? If not, before that.
Ive accepted that I cant schedule certain things, either because of a subconscious driving force that pushes me away from routine or because of the actual events that occur in my life. Point is, I accepted that im going to operate reactionary in my life.
I decided to start working out because I figured it would be something that I could do consistently in the morning and would improve my health so a win win situation. Furthermore, I would be able to get my younger cousin and brother to work out with me and give some action to their normally sedentary lifestyle.
Im ridiculously tired right now. I spent the day mostly trying to figure the specific vision/mission of our company. What we stand for. More of this in the future.
After one or two days of working out, I started thinking about why It had taken me so long to even attempt to seriously work out. Why I was able to do so many other things but this particular thing I couldnt bring myself to do consistently with focus.
I guess it had to mainly with my persona. I have a lot of resistance to what people think of me.
I have a very thick skin which developed, now in reflection, as a byproduct of ridicule.
Ive always been thin, especially when I was younger.
Skinny.
As I grew up people would tease me for being skinny. I cant tell you how many times I was told to eat more. Im not sure how many times I was laughed at for being bony but I can pin point an exact moment where I was laughed at by a family member when I was seen without a shirt.
I guess the accumulation of all those things caused me to develop body image insecurities in my early teens.
It got to the point where I hated scales. At shopping malls. Friends houses. Family members houses.
Steven come here lets see how much you weigh
Fuck no. I actively avoided them, I knew the comments that would be made.
People could visibly see my thinness but the scale stripped down the facade of long sleeve shirts and baggy clothing. The scale exposed me.
Its tough for an 11–15year old to hear these things:
What only 106 pounds? that cant be right.
Omg youre so skinny!
How are you so skinny?
Have you lost weight, since I last saw you?
Especially when It was sometimes said by loved ones, teachers, or older people.
There was no complaining, I couldnt complain, people didnt think they were offending me. It was never offensive to comment on someone who was thin. It wasnt socially offensive to call someone skinny and tell them to eat more. It was only socially offensive to comment on peoples weight when they were bigger.
Youre a bully if you call someone fat.
Tough luck if youre skinny and someone calls you that, you should be grateful, its not offensive or bullying,
Its the truth.
At least thats how perception felt at the time
I decided somewhere in there to block these things out. I developed a sort of fuck you attitude.
Nothings wrong with me, somethings wrong with you.
I just remembered of a specific time where I was on this trip via a school program. I bent over and my spine was visible through my shirt I guess. Some bigger kids were shocked and a bit disgusted.
“Wtf?! youre spine sticks out! thats nasty.”
By that time I had already developed some resistance.
Thats normal, wtf is wrong with you?
As I grew older, I would hear these comments again. A little bit shifted towards.
Youre so skinny.
You should workout.
Don’t you want to be buff?
Some were said by girls I was attracted to, others were said by guys in that phase of life who wanted to attract girls.
I dropped the fuck you attitude and developed an understanding.
I started to realize that these things were said by people who were projecting insecurities onto me. My natural counter persona responded by rejecting these things and deciding I was fine the way I was.
People who couldn't accept that were insecure in themselves, and people whose opinions wouldn't hold great weight with me and by defacto girls whom with I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with.
The few times I tried to workout, on my own terms, they were strictly to get stronger. I specifically looked up how to be stronger and avoid muscle gains.
Sleeper mode.
My already existing love for boxing further shifted me towards trying to learn how to fight and gain strength. I didnt care how I looked. However, those sessions wouldnt last long becuase I didnt really care. Because I had already said
Im fine the way I am.
Thats it. Thats the reason it took me so godamn long, now at 22, to start working out to better my health and gain routine. And you know what? It feels pretty damn good. I mean im sore but I feel good, my body feels good, I still fight myself over consistency but thats natural, repetition destroys me.
Ill stop here because I feel the other thing would make this post too lengthy and overall be a bit out of place. What ill be talking about in that one is more of a snapshot of my neighborhood park and observations on my own behavior as I was working out.
