Foster Children
How to understand your foster child, their behaviour and work with them to achieve a positive outcome
Being a foster carer is an incredible, kind and somewhat brave approach to parenthood. There are so many amazing children in this world, in search or in need of loving and safe homes with people who understand them that they can depend on. But how do you handle a situation where a child who is longing to be nurtured, loved and cared for, is resilient to change, scared of opening up or displays anxiety or outbursts because they can’t allow themselves to feel settled and slip into this new life?
This article is going to look at an introduction as to how we can support the foster carer, the foster child and the families involved to work towards a harmonic balance. In this first article we will focus on what behaviour is, what makes it challenging and why it occurs.
Understanding your foster child
What may first seem like a dream – fostering a child, can quickly become a challenge but just as there is with all real challenges, the highs will overrule the lows.
Some of the most important things to remember are that each child is an individual, no two are the same. Each and every one of us have our own stories, our own pasts, our own secrets. Some of these we may share with people that we trust, some we may share with people we have just met because it feels easier talking to a stranger than talking to someone we love.
Children who have experienced the care system can feel a whole array of emotions. Some may feel happy and at peace, some will feel anger, despair, rejection and maybe even guilt. For many children no matter what the family background was or the picture of home life, they haven’t stopped loving their parents or deep-down wish there had been another way.
Some Foster children may carry these feelings into school life, they may find it difficult to engage, appear withdrawn or be the class clown to take attention away from how they really feel. For a child to learn whilst harbouring so many thoughts and feelings is extremely difficult, add into this the pressures of school and society growing up, that’s pretty tough.
What causes behaviour?
Children in foster care have all shared something similar – Trauma. A child being placed in a foster family is traumatic in itself. It’s saying goodbye to your life and everything you know. Saying goodbye to family, friends, your home and all that you have grown up with that has shaped who you are at that moment in time.
Whilst it can be a new start and for some it may be looked forward too, we must not underestimate the trauma that the child has gone through and the anxiety that will be felt. I myself have moved home probably around 17 times since I was 18 years old, I should be used to it, but each time a lease on a property is up or life takes me on a new path it certainly doesn’t get any easier or less stressful. It takes time to settle, to be comfortable and for the new environment to feel like mine.
Trauma can have many effects on a person, these can become apparent both physically and mentally. The child may have unhealthy habits, over eating/under eating, isolating and withdrawn behaviour, they may lash out, they may become distrusting or verbally aggressive. It is important to understand why these behaviours occur and that previously these behaviours have been used as a coping mechanism.
What is behaviour and what makes it challenging?
What is behaviour? Behaviour is the way in which one acts or conducts themselves towards others and situations.
So, what makes behaviour challenging or more difficult?
The definition of challenging behaviour is below
“…behaviour of such an intensity, frequency of duration that the physical safety of the person or others is likely to be placed in serious jeopardy, or behaviour which is likely to seriously limit use of, or result in the person being denied access to, ordinary community facilities” Emerson, E. (1995) Challenging Behaviour. Analysis and Intervention in People with Learning Difficulties. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.)
Whilst the definition above is taken from research for people with learning disabilities it applies to us all. For example, if we are suffering from anxiety and panic attacks we may find it difficult to access or engage in activities outside of our own personal safety net. This isn’t to say we or our foster children are challenging, it is to say the behaviour itself is challenging and brings challenges to them because of that.
How can behaviour be displayed?
Below are some examples of behaviour you may see during your time as a Foster carer
Stereotypy – repetitive behaviour, rocking, pacing, checking things repeatedly, being ‘stuck’ on a subject, OCD
Physical – lashing out, pushing, hitting
Verbal – swearing, shouting
Destructive – slamming doors, breaking belongings
Self-Injurious – smoking, drinking, drugs, eating disorders, self-harm
Disinhibition – sexualised behaviour, lack of awareness of self and others
Now I am sure you will agree that perhaps we have all engaged in some of or all of these ourselves at some point in our life. Remember what makes it challenging is when it starts to really affect that person’s quality of life.
Why is behaviour displayed?
All behaviour serves a function, a purpose.
Think about this scenario for a moment. You are late for work, you have already received a warning from your boss, you have to stop for petrol, you have the right money on you but there is a huge queue. How do you respond? It’s likely that you will start to look around, try to make eye contact and hope that someone will let you go first, you might have the money out showing you have it on you ready, you might huff and puff, sway from foot to foot, look at your watch, look at your car and keep repeating until hopefully someone lets you go ahead or the assistant stacking the shelves takes the hint and joins behind the counter serving.
You changed your behaviour to try and serve a purpose – which was getting served quicker.
Behaviour generally serves 4 functions. These are – Escape, Sensory, Tangible (to get something you want) or Attention.
Often to children who have had troubled backgrounds any attention is better than none. Therefore, behaviour may be displayed to achieve that – it doesn’t matter whether it’s a negative reaction they receive, it’s attention nonetheless and a way of fulfilling that need in what could be the only way they know.
Think about how you behave and react in different scenarios, think about how this can be relatable and what function that behaviour serves when you do it.
Next time we will look at triggers for behaviour, how we respond to challenges and how we can work with our foster children for positive outcomes by learning and understanding behaviour to support them, to support us and to look forward to a future of understanding, kindness, safety, trust and happiness.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and any challenges you have faced and coped with…
