Through the Eyes of Facebook: What We Can Learn About Ourselves and Those Around Us

Born out of necessity, carpal tunnel in my pinky, I decided to trade in the keyboard for a pen. You see I tend to text with one finger while holding my pinky up, as if delicately drinking a cup of tea. My extensive time engaging on Facebook, had taken it’s toll and until I could reprogram my natural way of texting, I would need to find alternate routes to put my thoughts into written form.

It wouldn’t be exactly the same. There would be no immediate feedback. I wondered if that would be a blessing, or a curse. You see social media had provided me an opportunity to connect, not just with others but with myself. On Facebook I was exposed; a vulnerability that forced me to go deeper within myself.

It had been about a year since I had become an active Facebook explorer, traveling to other pages; cyber neighborhoods which reflected the country we live in. There were meaner streets and more manicured ones. There were hosts to intellectual summits and those that sponsored bar room brawls. There were pages populated by spiritual seekers who cloaked themselves in words that sounded like wind chimes. And there were those spaces where the words slashed like daggers.

I learned to quickly move in and out of those last ones, just staying long enough to connect with those who may have been looking for a way out of the darkness.

It took some time before I realized that exposure to some parts were emotionally toxic and that the strategy of putting on one’s own air mask first, when flying, needed to be utilized. We are of no help to others, when we ourselves are wounded.

Part activist and part social scientist, I mentally recorded and studied the patterns of these separate groups. I carefully watched myself as well. Often having to check out to regain my balance, I was determined to not turn back in fear. I was driven to unlock the door behind which humanity’s greatest chance for survival, lay waiting to be revealed. I longed for a time in the future, where I could report my findings in the hopes of contributing to a better world. I believed that this was my sacred journey; the path that I came here to travel.

At first I thought that I would just be studying effective communication methods; techniques used by two unlikely candidates, to obtain the presidency. Some methods were more to my personal liking; all were effective strategies. What quickly became clear to me, was that while the emotions that drove the messages were different, the methodology was the same. There are certain factors that can be categorized as inherently human qualities. And perhaps that is the best place to start; the point from which we all begin.

Let me say up front that I have no doubts I will offend some, by my frequent generalizations. I have come to see that inevitably there will always be someone who is offended. Bear in mind that there are always exceptions to everything though. Nature has confirmed to me that this is true. And I have come to look to her, as my most reliable form of confirmation. So if my observations don’t fit for you; you needn’t wear them. We are all uniquely different. My wish is that one day we come to see the richness of that gift.

Welcome to the Land of Make Believe

Surprising as it may seem, there are actually some people who are NOT on Facebook. Typically when these people make that admission, we look at them in the same way I would look, when someone told me they didn’t own a tv. Usually, it is simply because they do not have the time to invest and so have never bothered to sign up.

I remember years ago when I myself had very little interest in social media. I finally was persuaded to join so that I could view the pictures that friends posted, pictures that I was in as well. Some version of me, a snapshot in time, was being publicly viewed. Who doesn’t want a peek at what others see of them? I found myself enjoying a new found comradery with people who by extension, were now my “friend.” A circuit that reduced 6 degrees of separation to two or three. A sense of greater connection. Something we all desire. My first generalization:

We all crave connection.

Consciously or unconsciously, we all seek to belong to something greater than ourselves. It might be a longing for a partner, a family, a social group or the “source.” That desire will vary in relation to where we are emotionally. It is not linear and can be expressed differently, at different times. Influencing where we desire to belong, may be our feelings of “worth”. On social media, we seek to create the image we wish to present. What we create though, may more accurately reflect our unconscious thinking, than it does our reality. The way we view “success” becomes quite clear. We strive to look “successful”. In part we may be seeking validation or praise. On an even deeper level though, I believe we are subliminally striving to become one that any group, would desire to have as a member.

Our private pages become like our private homes. We entertain visiting guests and we sometimes struggle to let them know that it is time to go. Occasionally we are placed into difficult situations, when our company doesn’t get along as well as we might hope. Some choose to have an ongoing “open house” and others keep their doors and windows locked, occasionally poking their heads out when they believe no one is watching. Some yearn for a more communal lifestyle and welcome the gifts left by visitors, to adorn their homes. It is a very personal experience. Our private page establishes who we are. It is our personal brand.

Sometimes a friend will come by and invite us over to their page. These are usually people with whom we have real life connections to. In this case, Facebook becomes a way to strengthen connection over space and time. We share pictures and stories as the days pass, as if we were together. While distance may separate us, our connection remains strong. Here we often meet “friends of friends” and the circle to which we belong, expands. Sometimes in moments of unwelcomed isolation, we go on looking to see if anyone wants to “hang out.” Often this can lead down a dark path, as less time is spent, seeking real world connections. Other times it can provide an amazing opportunity to connect with those who share common interests, whom otherwise we may never get the opportunity to connect with. Facebook has given me the opportunity to observe and connect with people from all walks of life, and has provided insight as to how these different groups and individuals communicate with other groups as well as each other. Ironically, as different as the values and goals of a group are, the basic patterns within them are identical. While the volume and the rhythm of the groups may differ, the melodies are the same. All seek to maintain a sense of harmony and react to differing degrees, when someone dares to sing off key.

I personally found it most difficult to speak up in the groups that I was more familiar with; the people I knew personally. Those are the ones who’s opinions, count the most to us. That’s where the dangers of betrayal are most prevalent. When one does have the courage to speak up in a group, without immediate support from another, those most sensitive to the discord, will quickly rise up to silence the noise. Oftentimes others will jump on the bandwagon, finding a new target for their bottled up frustrations. That is the unfortunate reality when trying to effect social change. And while change from within is the most viable way for it to occur, trying to lead it, promises the most severe consequences. As mentioned previously, we all want to belong.

During the 2016 elections, and still to this day, millions struggle to publically voice their true feelings. They escape to private chatrooms usually focused around one common cause or adversary. Some fear losing familial and social connections. Others fear that their lively hoods will be placed at risk. Sometimes they offer hidden support by quietly hitting the “like” button. Other times they are not even willing to risk that much. It is the sad but harsh reality that we have come to judge people solely based upon one or two differing thoughts or behaviors. The pity of this is that we often close off to people whom we may have more in common with, than we realize. The number of social media casualties, is truly disheartening. People threatened by another’s differing opinions, have created an energy of such distress, as to weaken all within the range of those volatile interactions. To limit the collateral damage, many reasonable people have chosen to withdraw to behind the enemy lines. That exodus however has left an overabundance of uncaring participants to shape the public dialogue. Devoid of moderate and collaborative voices, the densest of energies shape the discourse. Chances for reconciliation and collaboration are severely impacted. Hurt people, hurt people and the destruction accelerates.

There will always be those willing to take the risk and speak truth to power and the further we are willing to reach out to groups other than our own, the more likely we will connect to our counterparts.

My time on FB has been one of discovery. I’ve learned about strangers and I’ve learned about myself. I’ve watched as people bully others with a viciousness that I suspect they’d be unforgiving of, had they seen it exhibited by one of their foes. That goes for me as well, when I look at some of my earliest comments. I recognize that I was often motivated to go for the punchline and grab a laugh, regardless of who paid for the joke. Who cared; they were the enemy and words were my weapon. There were times where the adrenalin soared and “likes” and emoticons, thrust me forward. Secret groups served as triage tents where I myself, and the other wounded, stopped by to be tended to, and have our esteem boosted just enough to drive us into our next tour of duty. Sometimes we left with others, who having been nurtured within the group, were now ready to at least stand guard in the public forum. It didn’t take long though, to see that we were living in a war zone and that the environment was making us sick. I often felt sad and alone, yet the battle cry in my mind, “We are one”, kept me moving forward. I’ve spoken with others, who express sharing similar experiences.

A term used by psychologist Elaine Hatfield, “emotional contagion”, describes how frustration and fear can go viral as quickly, yet less noticeably, than even the most sensational of videos can. Like a virus, emotions can, and do spread their germ. I had no words to explain the phenomenon at the time, yet I clearly understood the effects I was experiencing, while engaging in certain Facebook groups. Often feeling like a lone crusader, I spent much time traveling to different pages attempting to supply the antidote for a virus of despair, that I watched ravage relationships and fuel the fear that led to hate. I understood all too well, the power of a kind word, or in the case of FB, a heart emogee. So many it seemed, were crying out to be seen and pleading to be heard. I imagined myself part Paul Revere, and part Florence Nightingale.

Many have recognized that we’ve become a society of individuals that react before we think. How often do we question our own motives? Not nearly enough, if you ask me. By not doing so, we tend to keep getting in our own way. This was certainly true for me.

I had spent countless hours, over weeks then months, working to instill a sense of reason and empathy on Facebook. Fueled simultaneously by righteous indignation and compassion, I was unaware that I myself was part of the problem. All I knew was that I felt drained, saddened and unfulfilled like many others. I took short breaks from Facebook only to be drawn back in.

Eventually I stepped back long enough to ask what “I” was doing wrong. What part was “my” behavior playing in the creation of my experience? It was in that space that a “soul friend” asked me the question I most needed to hear. “What is the energy that you are contributing?” (Mathew 7:7–8) In that moment, I realized that I was not “being the change.” In fact, I was mirroring the very thing I had been hoping to minimize. It was the same energy simply reflecting in the opposite way.

Words are merely vehicles. It is the energy they carry within them, that has the power to create or destroy.

From that moment my writing became more conscious. My private page became my personal sanctuary, filled with inspiring quotes and practical suggestions for taking real action. Action is the enemy of despair and even small steps can lead to major movement. I didn’t change my message or desire to be heard, I just tried to remove the emotions that often clouds judgment. I focused on the energy that I was contributing to the situation. My page became my “happy place.”

I developed some basic strategies for reaching consensus. The first were the 3 R’s. Instead of the rules of Reading ‘Riting and ‘Rithmetic, my three were Reframe, Redirect and Respect.

Reframe the topic so that is viewed in a way that validates the ideas of those who are pro and con. The truth is, everyone’s opinion is valid to them whether or not it is misguided. Force has never been shown to be an effective way to change minds.

Redirect when an impenetrable wall seems present. There is no dishonor in walking around an obstacle to get to where you want to go. How many times have we climbed over our partner to not disturb them? Or even our dog (especially our dog)? How many times have we stepped over a puddle? That does not make us weak. It makes us conscious of our behavior.

Respect. That one should be obvious. Respect is something that is earned. What better way to earn it, then by demonstrating it to others.

Rule #2

Now anyone who knows me, will verify that I am NOT a fashionista. That being said, I’m aware that the rules of accessorizing dictate we take off one accessory before leaving the house. In the case of posting or responding on FB, I offer up a similar strategy. Often it is within the last line we write, that we go a bit too far. I found this to be true of my own posts. It was always the last line that packed the hardest punch. Whether it was tying the ideas together as in a well written essay, or going for the punchline, it was typically the last sentence that was charged with the most explosive energy. Explosions are well suited to destroy but not so good when trying to build bridges.

Rule #3

Refrain from speaking in absolutes. This kind of hyperbolic language will immediately cause those who feel differently, to shut down. The best chance of finding common ground, is to walk along the same path for as long as possible.

Rule #4

Try not to label people. Identifying a group as if they are made up of identical beings is not only unfair, but untrue. It immediately sets people up as being “the other” and we tend to be even less “forgiving” to members outside of our group.

Rule #5

This rule is reflective of “The Four Agreements.” 1) Be impeccable with your word. In other words, “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. 2) Don’t take anything personally. People are not always speaking with YOU directly in mind. 3) Don’t make assumptions. Words via text, devoid of tone, can be interpreted differently than intended. It’s ok to ask. In fact sometimes it can lead to a thoughtful discussion and some steps in the right direction. 4) Most importantly, always do your best. If you are feeling frustrated or irritable, you don’t need to respond. Life will not be altered because you did not add your two cents. The best part is, you can always reflect on your feelings and respond at a later time.

Ask yourself, What is it that you really want to achieve? Do you want to better understand or be better understood? Do you just want a forum to hear your own words or are you seeking meaningful communication? If you are just looking to “vent”, keep in mind that FB is an airtight space, and it is your own environment that will be most polluted. It can be a lonely, nasty place but it can also be a place for support and genuine connections, even if only temporary ones. A perennial garden that blooms when least expected; the right message, at the right time, can be life changing. Don’t forget the power of your words. Be conscious to not get swept up in their energy. Resist the urge to bully the bullier. Be the change.

I am grateful for the words spoken by these three wise women and try to always carry them with me:

“In the end, only kindness matters.”- Jewel

“Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”-Maya Angelou

“Put yourself in someone else’s shoes” –Mom