I want a whole new operating system. A new GUI, and new file structure. I want to ditch the legacy code and get a rewrite. From the bottom up. This program is janky af.
It keeps looping. The same useless commands that cause my shoulders to rise up to my ears, and that executes the replay of the same past events over, and over; and over and over again. The one that executes the retelling of arguments that no longer matter, rehashing of the hurtful scenarios, re-examination of past injustices. It never completes. And it leaves my body coated with the sticky residue of the past, from the inside out. I want a reformat of my brain and my consciousness. Just erase it, and let me reinstall something better.
I keep praying for a witch to walk up to me, put her hand on my forehead, say some magic words and throw me to the ground. By the time I hit the ground the demons will have been cast out and my consciousness will be a clean slate.
As it turns out, it doesn’t work that way. Short of a lobotomy, you can’t reformat your brain, and all the witches I know would only offer me a healing chat over a cup of tea before they’d smack me in the face.
But there is a completely agnostic and legitimate way to at least gain some space from the crashing applications, even studies at Harvard say so. The only rub is that I have to do it myself. The method is to literally sit down, and use my mind (the one that is tormenting me) to watch my body breathe. When the errant programs start popping up and demanding attention with their incessant error messages; the process is to notice them, allow them their presence, and then simply breathe my body again. Inhale the loops, then exhale them. Breathe, with my conscious attention, NOW. And that’s it.
Since I want a reboot of my consciousness so sincerely I set a goal. I’m going to meditate 108 times. Then see what happens to this infinite loop. The studies say 8 weeks, and this will get me well into that and beyond.
Will I change? Will the noise be as loud as it is right now? What will happen to me as I’m reinstalling my programs? Who will I be when the process is completed?
Deep down I know that these programs won’t be deleted. They’ll get an update turning them into versions that will support and strengthen the new architecture.
I’ll be me 2.0.