Live from New York, It’s…. Not Me

The first time I auditioned for SNL producers (2017), I was surprisingly calm. Not, like, meditating on a mountain peak calm, but calm in the way that a raccoon trapped in a dumpster accepts its fate. What was the worst that could happen? I don’t get the thing I never had? Big deal. I could always go back to performing improv in dive bars, where the biggest risk was someone not listening. (This happened often)

I carried that same Zen-like, trash-panda wisdom into my second audition (2019). At that point, I had fully embraced the ridiculousness of the whole process. It was just another weird moment in a life filled with weird moments — like the time I got mistaken for a wax figure at Madame Tussauds (long story, I was standing too still). And the best part about the second audition was Colin Jost and his perfect shoulders were in the room.

As I waited in the green room for round two, I saw my fellow auditionees spiraling. Some were pacing like caffeinated lab rats, others sat with their eyes closed, either meditating or mentally disassociating to their happy place (probably the SNL afterparty they were already picturing themselves at). Meanwhile, I leaned against the wall, debating whether my monologue should have included a fart joke. (Spoiler: It should have. Farts are hilarious.)

The thing no one tells you about auditioning for SNL producers? The actual audition isn’t the hardest part. Sure, performing in front of a panel of stone-faced producers is rough — it’s like doing stand-up for a jury that…