Shifting Self-Talk: “I” Statements to Shift Your Focus, Mood and Thoughts (1 of 3)

Series Intro: I believe the most powerful conversations are the ones we have with ourselves. The generosity, love, and honesty in our self-talk is where our dialogue with the world begins. That being said, I decided to whip up a small series of “I” statements that I’ve learned, used, and incorporated into my own self-talk over the years that have helped me shift out of old patterns of limiting beliefs and into new ways of being. First up on the list is *drumroll, please*…I NEED.

”I need” is one of the very last things I ever learned how to say, and to be honest I’m still not that great at it. I know I’m not alone though. Most (if not all) of us have had a complicated relationship with the words “I NEED” because we were blessed by at least one of the following experiences -

We were taught or believed that our needs were trivial, negotiable, or unimportant.

We learned, either explicitly or by observing, that asking for what we need was shameful, meant we were inadequate and incapable, or a waste of time because we were just burdens.

We didn’t learn how to…

• Understand what our bodies and feelings were telling us so we could identify what we need
• Use our voice to ask for and communicate what we need
• Trust that someone else could honor what we need

It’s complicated yall, and I have no doubt that we all fucked up somewhere, but

Articulating what we need is essential to creating the life we want, and need.

From putting food on the table to co-creating healthy relationships, all the way up to realizing our dreams — you won’t get what you truly need if you’re asking for all the wrong things. For example, you’re needing to feel loved so you ask your partner to put their phone away and pay attention to you. They might comply, but you still feel shortchanged because you don’t actually feel different, you didn’t actually receive what you need. You needed to feel loved and you requested that someone else do something else that is a temporary fix to a deeper need.

The problem isn’t your partner boo, it’s that you’re not understanding your own needs.

Ahhhh, I love getting messy. Okay ready? Here’s the thing…
To get what we need, we must first be able to identify our needs.

My mentor, Santa Sorenson, use to hand-out Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs whenever we were facilitating workshops on conflict. She would ask participants to reflect on their unmet needs based on Maslow’s Hierarchy →

The caveat is that unmet cannot be actions or things — just needs.

You’d be surprised at how difficult it is and how quickly we jump to “I need you to do x, y, and z”. We think that we need to control outcomes, control people, or control environments to get what we need. We were taught that getting what we need meant coded language, manipulating situations, or just simply conditioning ourselves to not need what is essential to all human beings.

Safety, Love, Belonging, and Esteem are no less essential than our Physiological needs and no less importance that Self-Actualization, or becoming all that we can be.

It’s always one of those deeper core needs that open us up to a world of possibility. Identifying what you need gives you the clarity to ask for what you need. It allows you to soften and mourn the times you didn’t receive what you needed when you needed it. It allows you to come to show up more fully because you understand what you need without needing someone else to see it or say it, you can come to your own rescue and honor your own needs. It’s a beautiful, messy thing.

Time to Practice (5 min)

I promised you that your “I NEED” Statement could help you shift your focus, mood, and attention so I want you to close your eyes, deepen your breathe and reflect on what recently caused you discomfort, anger, or anxiety.

Now, open your eyes and write about it freely. Once you shared all about the unfolding of events I want you to shift your focus on what you might have needed in those moments, what did you feel was lacking?

Keep writing, but get a little clearer. Release judgments, expectations, fleeting thoughts, and feelings. What basic need was lacking? Once you’ve identify it write: I NEED ________________.

Whatever it was that you needed, give yourself permission to feel it. Whatever it is that you need, give yourself permission to open up to all the ways you can meet it.

If you found this resource useful, please let me know by leaving a comment, clapping me up, or sharing with someone you love! 💞