I Just Gave Myself Permission to Be Successful

If I only knew that I was the one thing holding me back from succeeding, my entire life would be a different quest. My parents came to America in search of a dream. They got a house and argued about money. This was not what I expected.

No one ever told me that in order to be successful, you had to take risks, think big, invest, create income streams, expand your network, feed your brain and mindset with positive books and speak, break away from the pack, or go all in. This was not taught to me.

Instead, what I received was conversations about how money is scarce, play it safe, stay close to home, and get good grades. I went to nursing school because this is what was expected, not because it was what I wanted. I still wish I would have followed my instincts that one day when I borrowed Sallie Mae’s money to pay for one class. It was $6,000. The billing lady helped me count it in her office. She was all surpised and giddy herself, as if she never seen so much Benjamins all at once.

I had a feeling that day. I asked myself, what am I doing. I should skip this shit and start a business. I used to create music so I wanted to start a record label. I wanted also to have a clothing store. I wanted anything but a nursing degree.

My parents however couldn’t recognize my entrepreneurial spirits. I wrote like a mad man in my teenage years. Churning out newsletters, building websites, writing short stories. How come they didn’t see it in me?

Starting a business in my family was not an option. It was more secure to work 60 years of your life. It was a steady, wholesome paycheck, which you should be grateful for. I was fired from jobs for trying to change policies. I was fired for hating it. I was all ober the place and a total mess.

One day someone sent me an anonymous letter. It tore me to shreds. They wrote that I was lazy, fat, and ugly. To this day…I don’t know who it was. I was terribly depressed around that time in my life. Not sure which way to go or what way was up. I became sick and unhealthy.

I couldn’t look people in the eyes. I was crushed. In my mid to late 20s, I searched. I wanted to learn more than what my parents knew about life, success and money. I went on a quest to find who I truly was. I read everything I could get my hands on. I started to plant seeds.

Look, I still didn’t get it then. I was trying to change my mindset but it wasn’t working. I asked, how did these people do it? What am I doing wrong?

The real change came for me years after questions, searching, and learning when I became addicted to shortcuts. I was addicted to gambling, drugs, negativity, procrastination, and failure. I thought that gaining success meant I had to win it, fight it, pop it. I wasn’t me.

Tonight, I reflected. I have come so far in my life and I just realized after all these years. I have just given myself permission to be successful. Tonight. I did it. In one thought matched with one feeling attached to one definitive purpose. I am Stacy A. Cross and there is no “E” in my name.

Remain uncomfortable.

There may be typos in this but its not really important.

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