No salmonella here!

What a winner of a product! This handy gadget just solves so many issues I have. Honestly, even though my oven has a plug-in meat thermometer with a billion fancy settings, using it requires burning my hand and calling my mother, every single time.

The physical and emotional pain of both is pretty equal, really.

But with this little gem, that’s all in the past. Not only can I now tell if my chicken is actually cooked, I can definitely stop calling my mother to verify if I have cooked the chicken long enough. …

Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine.

Image credit: KC Green:

People often ask me just how in the world I do it all. Oh, can you hang on a second? I just need to wrap this raw and bleeding area next to my fingernail I have been picking at semi-frantically for 6 days straight.

Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine. I will soothe it with lavender infused coconut oil I whipped up last night while teaching my daughter algebra at a zumba class.

Why yes, I did crack open the coconuts myself!

I find the car to be the best place to engage in this activity. Darn! So now you…


Sherlock Holmes: It's sanctions, my dear Watson.


Tony the Tiger: Sanctions, they're Grrrrrrrrrrreat!


James Bond: From Russia with Sanctions


The Sound of Music: Raindrops on roses and sanctions on kittens…. these are a few of my favorite things.

Poppin Fresh Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothin’ says Lovin’ like sanctions from the Kremlin.


Jan Brady: It's always sanctions! Sanctions! Sanctions!


Muhammad Ali: I float like a sanction and sting like a fee.


Obi Wan Ken Obi: These are not the sanctions you're looking for.


Airplane: I picked the wrong day to stop issuing sanctions.


I never expected to become so famous. But it happened. I have been mistaken for the hottest new form of celebrity and I can’t go on riding the wave of fame like this.

I can’t live the lie, anymore.

I’m flattered, really, to be mistaken for such a highly visible celeb. But, has no one stopped to actually LOOK at teenage girls these days? We literally all look alike. So I guess I could see how the mistake could be made.

The fact that someone thinks I have been weeping at every shooting since 2012 is seriously ridiculous. I mean…

I can NOT haz the pill.
  1. A barrel of monkeys
  2. Elementary school fundraisers
  3. Jury duty
  4. Getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick
  5. A root canal
  6. A colonoscopy
  7. Prepping for a colonoscopy
  8. A frontal lobotomy
  9. Reading speech transcripts of President Trump
  10. Reading speech transcripts of President Trump PRIOR to your frontal lobotomy
  11. Children’s birthday parties
  12. Being groped by Roy Moore
  13. Being groped by Roy Moore AT a children’s birthday party
  14. Cleaning grout

A 25 year-long football mystery — UNCOVERED!

The time has come to break the silence. As we enter into the travesty that is another Patriot Bowl, I would like to highlight a number of highly suspicious happenings that ultimately can lead to only one conclusion: the dismal failure that is Cleveland Browns football is directly related to a 25 year-long operation of targeted oppression by the New England Patriots. Admittedly, It’s been awhile since I’ve watched a Super Bowl. I think the last one I at least ate snack dip at was operating under Roman numerals I could calculate without Google assistance. Anyway, I understand being from…

“There’s a lot of fresh water around here, good thing too, otherwise I would probably be reduced to having to drink my own pee.” — Les Stroud, Survivorman

Day 1: So I’ve arrived at the house, the walk and drive were impassable and the kids have a snow day, today. It’s -12, -20 with the windchill, so they can not be sent outside to make snow angels, safely. We’re going to have make do with what we have inside and hope the night brings more hope for there being school tomorrow. I have some thin metal pieces I pulled off…

I ALSO kicked some ass, but OK, I guess I’ll make dinner…

gather round guys, let’s try to all carry our own emotional weight today, huh? HUH??

8:03 am: It’s another day that starts with doctor’s appointments. Which means goddamn medical forms. It never ends. Every time, all new sets for everyone. So many forms and I don’t know who is worse: Cyborg and listing all those prior surgeries or Batman who will NEVER give his parent’s goddamn medical history. Uuugghh. WHY? Why can’t they just fill this shit out themselves!

8:14 am: For fuck’s sake Aquaman! They aren’t waterproof, give them to me now! Aaaww… now we need new ones. Flash, get back here! You need your jabs to travel!

10:47 am: OK… I know the…

Stacy Elizabeth Stevenson

Forgetter of birthdays, lover of coffee and fart jokes

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