Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine. — People often ask me just how in the world I do it all. Oh, can you hang on a second? I just need to wrap this raw and bleeding area next to my fingernail I have been picking at semi-frantically for 6 days straight. Anxious? No way! I’m totally fine…

(1899) Sherlock Holmes: It's sanctions, my dear Watson. (1951) Tony the Tiger: Sanctions, they're Grrrrrrrrrrreat! (1963) James Bond: From Russia with Sanctions (1965) The Sound of Music: Raindrops on roses and sanctions on kittens…. these are a few of my favorite things. Poppin Fresh Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothin’ says Lovin’ like…

I never expected to become so famous. But it happened. I have been mistaken for the hottest new form of celebrity and I can’t go on riding the wave of fame like this. I can’t live the lie, anymore. I’m flattered, really, to be mistaken for such a highly visible…

A barrel of monkeys Elementary school fundraisers Jury duty Getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick A root canal A colonoscopy Prepping for a colonoscopy A frontal lobotomy Reading speech transcripts of President Trump Reading speech transcripts of President Trump PRIOR to your frontal lobotomy Children’s birthday parties Being groped by Roy Moore Being groped by Roy Moore AT a children’s birthday party

The time has come to break the silence. As we enter into the travesty that is another Patriot Bowl, I would like to highlight a number of highly suspicious happenings that ultimately can lead to only one conclusion: the dismal failure that is Cleveland Browns football is directly related to…

“There’s a lot of fresh water around here, good thing too, otherwise I would probably be reduced to having to drink my own pee.” — Les Stroud, Survivorman Day 1: So I’ve arrived at the house, the walk and drive were impassable and the kids have a snow day, today…

I ALSO kicked some ass, but OK, I guess I’ll make dinner… — 8:03 am: It’s another day that starts with doctor’s appointments. Which means goddamn medical forms. It never ends. Every time, all new sets for everyone. So many forms and I don’t know who is worse: Cyborg and listing all those prior surgeries or Batman who will NEVER give his parent’s…