Hey Runners, Your Mantra Is A Lie

For the past fifteen years I’ve been a non-competitive, back-of-the-pack runner. I’m one of those people you see trotting along the same roads in the same neighborhoods twelve months a year. The ones your kids point at and say, “There’s that jogger person again!” I take running seriously but really I’m just damn glad to be out there. Running is a rewarding, worthwhile effort you can truly do for a lifetime. (If you can love the constant frustration and heartbreak of golf, you can certainly love running.)

Before I continue, I will say for the record that I am really, really truly in favor of anything that gets someone to just try running. However, the approach I curse is the continual runoff of “inspirational” sayings across Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, blogs targeted mostly to beginners. I consider dreamy quasi-haiku meant to inspire to actually be a form of false advertising.

Remember when ads describing the fantastic benefits of prescription drugs didn’t include the pages-long explanation of all the graphic things that it could cause? (I’m middle-aged so I do.) In much the same way, running should be approached with excitement of both the miracle results and sober knowledge of the nasty side-effects.

Before You Begin

To begin the full disclosure, here’s my short list of distance running benefits: * You feel your body working the way it was built to. * You develop dedication and willpower well beyond that of any diet or common habit-breaking. * Best of all, there’s a built-in sense of accomplishment. Every time you finish a run, whether it’s just getting out the door when you didn’t think you could take one more step or whether you finish a 100-mile ultra you’ve achieved something.

The disclaimers: * Distance running is sweaty, snotty, and sticky. * It’s sometimes hatefully hot, sometimes all the hair on your body will freeze in the cold. You can be caught in pissing rain or possibly a whiteout blizzard. * It can be so bloody boring that you want to stab yourself with any pointed object you find on the side of the road. * Dogs may only want to chase you away from their territory, but some want to bite your ass off. Same with kids.

The Inspirational Shit List

At best, sports affirmations are schmaltzy, while the worst are almost bullying. Still, millions of runners, joggers, walkers and plodders take these fuzzy emotional blurbs to heart, putting them on vision boards, the bathroom mirror, or having them tattooed down their arms and legs.

“If you can dream it you can do it.”

First on my list of most-loathed sayings is a quote attributed to Walt Disney that’s been appropriated by athletes everywhere. IMO, this is a flowery way of blaming the loser before the game even starts. If you’ve watched even 10 minutes of the Olympics you’ve seen my point proven. The athletes at that level of competition dream their entire lives of having a gold medal placed around their neck, then some of them have to drop out (Lolo Jones, et al.) Athletic achievements can fall short for a myriad of reasons, the very least of which is level of desire.

I take this one personally because just like Amy Poehler’s Hillary Clinton, I’m living proof it isn’t true. I’ve wanted, dreamed, and visualized races then fallen far short of my goal or not been able to finish at all.

“It’s a battle and we’re all on the same side.”

I first heard this one while training for Ironman several years ago. I loved it at the time. I had daydreams of squeezing in among a formation of the fittest at the starting line, ready to use all my powers to complete the mission.

Unless a gang of tweens decides to crash the course and start tripping runners and knocking over the water tables, there’s not an enemy out on a race route to battle against. The “battle” is in your own head, and it’s more like an argument between spouses over whether or not to attend a neighbor’s Fourth of July barbeque. It also ends the same way — you go to the party and you have a good time.

“The marathon is a metaphor for life”

No, it isn’t. I’ve done eight of them, and I can say that “metaphor for life” is way too melodramatic. I’ve read articles and blog posts by obviously intelligent folks playing a game of existential Concentration matching up an everyday life experience with something they saw or heard out on the course.

For example, a half-asleep, sloppily dressed kid standing on a street corner at 7 am holding a poster scribbled with, “My mommy is faster than your mommy” is actually a living symbol of how no one can accomplish their goals without the connectedness of a group of a souls sharing the same energy pathway. If you say so.

Here’s the truth of that matter: The marathon is an allegory. It’s an object lesson. A months-long teachable moment that imparts precise examples of getting through everyday life. It teaches you to be prepared and think quickly; to stay committed and focused on the moment.

Selling Self-Esteem

“For 25 years, we’ve been inspiring people …,” comments Davide Grasso, Nike Global Chief Marketing Officer. “…, showing people a new way to set goals and think about their own athletic potential, then helping them to achieve those goals through products, services and inspiration.”

I cynically admire how many of the better motivations are spawned from advertising campaigns. Look at the ways Nike — which was founded by runners for runners — has built an empire on these poster-style slogans.

“Find Your Greatness”

Nike’s “Find Your Greatness” campaign which launched in 2012 for the London Olympics was solid. This one works for me because while it centers on dreaming big, its focus is getting out and learning what you are capable of. It’s the opposite of dreaming and wishing making it so. More like, “if you can do it once, you can do it forever.” My favorite of these is a spot showing a guy dressed as a daisy in a pot sprinting to the finish line of a race with the voiceover, “Does it happen in two hours, or four, or six? Is it finishing strong or barely finishing? Yes.” Perfect!

“Ready for Whatever”

There’s also the Bud Light “Are You Ready for Whatever” campaign. Whether in a race or just putzing around the block, running can turn into a whack-a-mole of sometimes-funny, sometimes-not annoyances without any warning or reason. Learning to tell yourself, “I’m ready for whatever” each time you step out the door gives you the confidence and zen to enjoy the ride.

The takeaway from this campaign is the emphasis on having fun. This is so important because runners too often put unnecessary pressure on themselves that can kill enjoyment and diminish achievements. It’s also the only saying that conjures up visions of a porcupine being measured for a tuxedo.

“Pourquoi pas moi?”

If you’ve ever heard of or seen this spot before this moment I’ll send you $5. (Honest responses only.) It’s a promo for the French television channel Canal Plus from 2011 that features the most bearish film director you’ll ever see. He takes us through a typical day on the job running a big-budget action set all the while explaining why he loves movies so much.

No one believed he could become a director, and he knows it. He has a love for what he does and a desire to do it. The tagline “Porquoi pas moi?” — Why not me? — should every runner’s slogan.

Maybe you don’t look fast, and maybe you weren’t fast the last time you were in a race, but why can’t you be this time? You may be old, overweight, intimidated by sports, but you can still put on shoes and support your own body weight, right?

Then you can be a runner, so why not?