I have no bloody idea what love is at all, and I honestly think that I’m okay with that. In fact I don’t even know if I can physically, emotionally, MENTALLY endure all the heartbreak and pain that comes before feeling it. I just can’t! I spend a lot of my time looking for cats which mum says is not healthy for a fourteen year old girl, but I think I’ve concluded I want a grey one. Maybe with white paws but honestly at this low point I really can’t afford to be picky.
You read this far (I’m not sure why, but you did), so you’re probably wondering what has brought on this sudden repent towards love and everything to do with it. I bet you’re really interested aren’t you.
I have a best friend, yes, believe it or not I have actual real life humans who are willingly my companions. Anyway, I digress (I’m actually a strong believer that ‘I digress’ is a term that is not used often enough in society/the English language but hey, we can’t have it all.) His name is Alfie, and he lives in America, SC to be exact but whatever, unimportant information. As a young Brit who’s extent of foreign people sightings is literally a group of drunk Spanish men I may or may not be distantly related to, finding out that internet friends were a thing and you could befriend anyone from anywhere in the world was a highly exciting experience, you should have seen it.
I was instantly on the bandwagon. In at least seven group chats talking to people I would never have gotten the chance to speak with had it not been for the internet. I was meeting intelligent minds that I came to adore, hilarious people with the same interests as me unlike anyone I had ever met before in my non-virtual life.
Among these people was Alfie, one of my closest internet friends who appeared when I least expected someone to come into my life. I was careful though, because I’m quite an idiot and finding myself in a scary situation with some 60 year old married fella on benefits was something I would prefer to avoid.
Luckily, Alfie was real and amazing, we were instantly friends, and even quicker best friends. We Skyped for hours daily, all night until daylight came through our windows and we didn’t even have the energy to speak anymore. Often we wouldn’t even exchange words. We’d just stare at each other and embrace the moment like it was our last. When we did speak it could go from stupid, silly nonsense to deep quiet talks about life and the universe.
Like wise people and angsty teenage girls on Tumblr say, all good things must come to an end. And it did.
Alfie snapchatted me one day as normal, but the message I read was not one I liked. He told me he’d met a girl. They’d spent the day together and he liked her. OH MY GOD DID HE LIKE HER. She was beautiful, talented and kind. He was totally obsessed and I can’t blame him. Her name is Sophie, and she is the only thing he cares about now, and it kills me inside but I have to let him go because all I want is for him to be happy and she does that for him. I can’t have him for myself because it’s not fair on him and I can’t ask him for that.
The thing that hurts most isn’t the little messages he leaves her that used to be directed at me. Not the loving paragraphs he writes about her on social media. Not the smile he can’t help but plaster all over his face when he says her name. It’s that I’m replaced. I’ll never be his number one girl again, and I long to be back in the days where he would stay up all night waiting for me to wake up just so he could say good morning. I don’t even want his heart, I just want his head.
(Okay that sounds murderous as hell oh my God I mean like I want his head to be filled with thoughts of me not like his head on a stick though that’s what we may have to resort to depending on how this pans out… I’ll keep you posted on that one.)
Thank you so much for reading, I know it’s dramatic and it probably doesn’t even sound like that big of a deal, but it’s how I feel and this is my outlet now. I hope to post more, I’ll update you all on Alfie and Sophie, other REALLY INTERESTING events in my life and of course when I buy my first cat of many since today marks the day I declare myself a crazy cat lady before I’m even 20.
Until next time,