Meteor 2016: A Platform to Make America a Crater Again

In this troubling political climate, it seems that the most divisive, extreme voices are the loudest. We need a candidate willing to reach across the aisle and make us all work toward the same end. As Trump and Clinton seem to have secured the primary nominations of their respective parties this week, it may hearten you to know that there is an alternative option for President of this great nation: There is a chance that a stray meteor will impact the earth, demolishing all life on the surface of the planet.

Clinton and Trump have both expressed hawkish tendencies, Clinton through enabling various regime changes in Latin America, Trump through his repeated denouncement of the entire Muslim world and our neighbors in Mexico. It may please you to know that the meteor will simultaneously eradicate all of our enemies, regardless of who you imagine them to be. If you consider yourself more of a dove, take comfort in the fact that the meteor will end all war. If you are a strict isolationist, know that you cannot be more isolated than you will be as a floating cloud of exploded carbon, drifting through the icy reaches of space.

The meteor’s plan for us is bilateral and inescapable. Its warm embrace awaits us without bowing to any special interest group or threat of nuclear force. The meteor promises to make a Deep Impact on the direction of national discourse, one with immediate and lasting consequences.

The meteor’s platform may take a few hours to implement. Some will quickly benefit from its “impact and heat wave” program, while others may have to wait for the “earthquakes, tidal waves, and volcanic eruptions” phase of the rollout. Regardless of timing, the meteor guarantees treatment for all that will ultimately be completely equal.

For our friends on the right:
The meteor will end taxation of any kind.
The meteor will end abortion.
The meteor will deport all illegal immigrants immediately, right into the furthest reaches of the solar system. (Along with everyone else, but that part isn’t important.)
The meteor cares not for gun control. You are welcome to hold onto your gun for as long as your fingers (and the gun) remain solid matter.

For our friends on the left:
The meteor will redistribute the means of production in an objectively equal way, effectively making income inequality a non-issue, from now until the end of time.
The meteor will cross the dividing lines of race, class, and gender to liquefy us all.
The meteor will end world hunger and disease in a single, immediate stroke. 
The meteor will annihilate all weapons and tools of war and usher in an age of unprecedented peace.

Friends, though the hour is late, we believe that there’s still a chance to turn this around, and we ask that you pour your effort and support into this meteor’s candidacy. We ask that you specifically express this support via the purchase of Meteor 2016 hats, t-shirts, and bumper stickers that we will shortly be making available, assuming enough people see this.

It’s time to embrace the void. Meteor 2016. #FeelTheActualBurn