ScanFit: The Death of a HR Manager

Steele John Walster
Nov 5 · 7 min read

Pieanne, gushed as she waded back to her desk. Having just delivered an excellent presentation to the CEO, she was confident her initiative would be implemented, the ultimate pat on the back. The CEO had hired her 15 years ago, and now she was the ‘Senior’ HR Manager in The Company. The employees often saw her bobbling into view from behind the CEO in meetings and during speeches. Much like a hippopotamus next to a giraffe, all preferred her submerged but recognised the weight she carried. Her staying power and title lead her to think of herself as a critical figure in the organisation. Pieanne even considered the CEO as a good friend and was often allowed to move her mouth and make noises while the CEO drank from the water cooler.

Outside of work, Pieanne’s life was pathetic and unworthy of mention other than to say it had very little meaning beyond rude consumption. She found purpose in her work and kept herself busy enough to excuse herself from vain activities like exercise, healthy eating, and a variety of social interactions. To achieve this, Pieanne developed a litany of techniques to avoid constructive conversations regarding any of her shortfalls; and had interwoven an endless supply of excuses that subtlety divided the blame among environment, circumstance, and others. Pieanne, having mastered her acute resting bitch face and an ability to cry on cue, successfully ruined any earnest concern for her. However, when it came to carrying out the duties of the HR Manager, Pieanne was competent.

Her latest initiative introduced the most recent’ best practice’ and, therefore, successfully marketed product ‘ScanFit.’ Scanfit was an Artificial Intelligence-based software company that utilized big data, machine learning, and open access to help companies achieve the best fit for workforce planning and recruiting. ScanFit’s model of taking a small percentage of the profit increase it directly generated gave companies a low-risk entry point for leveraging its technology. Primarily, its ability to reduce cost impressed the CEO, who thanked Pieanne for her dedication, asking her to get straight to work implementing the project.

Part of ScanFit’s implementation required Pieanne to ‘upload’ all employee management activities she and the HR Department undertook. This was done through speaking to the artificially generated ScanFit Employee ‘WENDY.’ ScanFit had done an exceptional job with WENDY in terms of her human likeness. ‘WENDY’ could access and process infinite amounts of social interaction data instantly, and thus was able to build rapport very quickly. At first, Pieanne found speaking to ‘WENDY’ a bit weird, but quickly became very comfortable, even enjoying their conversations. Diligently uploading all the Company’s policies and procedures, the exercise became a pleasant recap of the past and her contribution to the Company. Towards the end of the consult, ‘WENDY’ asked Pieanne if any particular nuances existed within the recruitment process that could not be captured by Policy and Procedure. Pieanne bloated by her years of experience smugly offered a few of her ‘tricks of the trade,’ such as scanning for tattoos or evidence of ‘uncommon’ piercings and listening for turns of phrase that may be common to an undesirable demographics, all which demonstrate unsuitability. She ‘intelligently’ added that these generalisations should never be written down, and were bestowed upon only the most competent HR Managers. Besides, she said, all this could be avoided by a quick social media scan of the applicant upon receipt of curriculum vitae for any relics that infer problematic behaviour. Pieanne trying to sound like a textbook, said that this prevented the Company from unproductive allocation of resources and avoided any unnecessary exposure to risk. Then, somehow, humanly added that this is precisely why it is always best practice to adjust your privacy settings, and be careful only represent yourself in a ‘professional way’ online because you never know when it could be used against you and make you suffer.

Not long after Pieanne had completed the ScanFit implementation, she received an email from the CEO. The Board was so impressed with the analytics ‘ScanFit’ was already providing that a ‘whole-of-company’ adoption of the technology would be occurring today. The email thanked Pieanne for her part and said that this was an exciting time for the Company. Pieanne knew that this could mean a significant bonus or a promotion or even an acknowledgment from the HR Industry Membership body! Pieanne, filling with fanciful daydream delights, let out a small and awful squeak. The email announced the success of ‘ScanFit,’ and it’s imminent adoption into the Company’s system and that naturally, while there would be changes to the workforce, the outcome would be to everyone’s benefit. Pieanne recognized the language, this latest announcement would mean a lot of work for her, but she was up to the task.

The next day arriving at work, Pieanne hurried to an empty elevator and gleefully smashed the ‘Close Doors’ button. Alone in the metal box, Pieanne felt valued because all the resources of the elevator were being spent on her, smiled. Opening her inbox, Pieanne let out a gasp and had to doubletake as her filing system was gone, as were all the unprocessed emails. Only a single unread email from ScanFit remained. Confused, Pieanne loudly clicked the mouse hoping for answers. The email provided an eloquent and detailed explanation that effective immediately, Pieanne’s employment was terminated. Stunned, Deborah scanned the email, her vision blurring, searched for details. While the true nature of how the sophisticated algorithm arrived at this decision is above human understanding, the email explained Pieanne fell into a narrow profile grouping where there existed a high correlation of sub-optimal performance for people in her role.

Citing her unwillingness to reduce the privacy settings on the relatively low number of social media platforms that she did have, coupled with an apparent aversion to posting photos of herself displaying any measure of vulnerability, precluded her from the top-performing percentile. Pieanne’s mind was racing, her head was spinning. Feeling as she would collapse at any moment, a flash of colour near the bottom of the email provided Pieanne with a precise release of dopamine to continue reading. It turns out, that despite being deemed unsuitable for her current position, the ScanFit algorithm and it’s ever-growing network had not only found but placed Pieanne in a job with a company with a much better fit. Attached were some pre-filled induction documentation and a contract. She would be starting her new job tomorrow. The pay was better and was located much closer to home. Despite being overwhelmed, Pieanne managed to see herself out from the building before the security guards embarrassingly escorted her out. She had just evaded the procedure that she wrote for the use of guards for all terminating employees as a risk management measure. This delusion of victory in defeat spurned more selfish thoughts, such as being denied the chance to see the CEO and hear that it was all a big mistake. Pieanne, desperate to feel better about herself, sniffed frantically to find fault in others. She screamed at nothing in particular that she hadn’t even been allowed to provide an Exit Interview. This abhorrence of procedure gave her the confidence that someone would fail and boosted her spirit long enough to get home. Unbeknownst to her, it clearly stated on the ScanFit website that Exit Interviews are one of the inefficient tools it would make redundant.

As the weeks past, Pieanne tried to make sense of the situation. Her work was more fulfilling than ever, the employee benefits were great, the pay was much higher; all the literature said that she would be a happy and highly productive member of the workforce. In fact, Pianne had never been so productive, yet despite the rise in her market value, she couldn’t get over her feelings of betrayal. Scorned, she would audibly scoff at hearing about the improvements in efficiency and profitability that ScanFit had brought to the world.

Not long after and late one night, Pieanne, alone at the kitchen table, sobbed as she finished the salutation of an email to her former CEO. Putting down the wine glass, she reached for the pill she had been staring at. The Pro-Choice movement had passed a law allowing self-euthanization, and since Pieanne fit the ‘best customer’ profile, the endless and invasive advertising programmed Pieanne to make her choice. Pieanne landed with a thud. The shock alerted the ‘Integrated Home and Welfare Wellness and Protection System, ‘ which simultaneously organized and effected all administrative measures related to death. This included transferring money, deeds, and responsibilities as per her Will or defined default, the removal of deceased body matter for re-association with atomic form, purification of dwelling, and scheduling of open day. Her picture and some happy details were posted to the online cemetery, where Pieanne could be ‘e’visited’ forever.

With incredible efficiency, all traces of the miserable human Pieanne were removed. The CEO, thankfully, was never burdened with Pieanne’s last email. Having previously installed a screening tool, at Pieanne’s suggestion, to block emails assessed as ‘too emotive in language to be productive,’ was thus spared from her indigent imposition of power post expiry. The CEO pressed on with maximizing shareholder returns, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Steele John Walster

Written by

Founder of Surf Meal — Essayist, Poet and Philosopher. My quest continues with as much fun and curiosity as it did when it began. Join me for the ride.

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