Why what she/he thinks of you doesn’t matter (that much)

Steeve Aubert
Sep 3, 2018 · 3 min read

I spent 11 years sharing my life with the same person. From 19 to 30. Most of my adult life. To almost everyone around us, we had everything about being a couple figured out. We went through the good, the bad and everything in between. And yet, here we were, still together, our “best years” behind us and mariage right ahead. Until we weren’t anymore.

Rather abruptly, one week after I turned 30 everything came crashing down. From engaged sweethearts we became total strangers overnight.

It didn’t feel sudden to either one of us though. The last 2 to 3 years we spent together were made of bitterness and inertia which we ignored on account of memories, habits and a good dose of fear of being alone and all that goes with it.

It wasn’t the end our couple deserved. For a time we had been a great team, facing and discovering life together. But we let those days fade away and become nothing more than a distant memory. And to make matters worse, we lost a lot of time doing so.


I entered my current relationship with that feeling anchored to my heart. Haunted by the fear of “losing time”, of staying too long in one place for the wrong reasons. And with that came a lot of wrong questions. Questions I allowed to roam in my head until I became aware of the man it was turning me into. A man plagued by fear.

The most prominent one and the subject of this piece (at last!): what does she think? And every variation of it.

“Does she think I’m stupid?” “Do I turn her on?” “Does she think I’m needy?”

Why is she with me?” I spent a lot of time looking for answers to this particular question. Because if she was with me for the “wrong reasons” I should not stay around. I couldn’t afford to be with someone I had no business to be with anymore. Not only didn’t I want to make the same mistake and “lose time” again, I didn’t even have the excuse of good memories or habits being there yet.

And with that reasoning came some obnoxious behavior. Our relationship didn’t go south only thanks to her patience and understanding. She gave me time to refocus and listened to me. During this time she gave me, I talked with close friends and even went to see a shrink.


One thing came out of this introspection: it doesn’t really matter WHY she is with me. Unless she wants to talk about it, it belongs to her. What matters is:

  1. that she does want to be with me.
  2. that I know why I want to be with her.
  3. that I do everything in my power to make our story last.

Realizing these three things was sort of liberating. During my previous relationship I lost sight of why I was with my girlfriend. I can’t even replace when the shift occurred. When I wasn’t with her because I loved her anymore, but just… because, I guess.

What the other thinks is important, but it shouldn’t cripple you. For whatever reasons, the woman I’m with now wants to be with me and shows it often enough. And I couldn’t be more grateful of that fact. Because I know why I am with her. I know what drove me to be with her in the first place. I know why I want to still be with her next year and be able to write about it. Also, I know I don’t intend to lose sight of all that this time around.

And that’s plenty to know about if you want my two cents.

Steeve Aubert

Written by

Back-end web developer. Comics geek. On a quest to write as much as I drink. Already 30 (ouch). French.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade