People Pleasing: The Hidden Dangers of Being Too Nice
4 Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser
Everybody loves a people pleaser.
Let’s face it, they are the nicest people in the world. You can always count on them to be there because they never say no. Unfortunately, this can become a very toxic behavioral pattern if taken too far.
According to Dr. Susan Newman, people pleasers want everyone around them to be happy, and they will do whatever it takes to keep them that way.
If you find yourself engaging in this type of behavior, don’t worry. I’m here to tell you 3 ways that you can stop being a people pleaser.
Do you want to learn why it is important to live an authentic life? CLICK HERE to read my blog post!
Many people pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to do nice things for people is an admirable trait. However, if you find yourself going out of your way for people, at the expense of your own needs, you are playing with fire.
As psychologist Harriet Braiker says, “To please is a disease, and in excess, it can become an addiction that eventually results in you neglecting your own needs and wants, and ironically losing the respect of the people you are trying to please.”
Do you identify with any of these people pleasing symptoms?
- You can’t say no
- You feel overwhelmed if someone is upset with you
- You need validation to feel good about yourself
- You don’t express your feelings when someone hurts you
Awareness and acceptance is the first step towards breaking these bad habits. The only way that you can escape from the people-pleasing trap is to understand the root cause of your behaviors.
Typically, the need to people please stems from the fear of being abandoned or rejected. If you are only motivated to do things for people based on feelings of inadequacy, you are not going to be happy and fulfilled.
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” — Lecrae Moore
There is a cure for people pleasing and it starts and ends with you. Let’s talk about 4 ways that you can stop being a people pleaser.
1. Say No More Often
If you say yes to everything, even when it doesn’t feel good, you have fallen into a people-pleasing trap. Nobody likes to feel like they’ve disappointed someone.
Guilt is a tricky emotion for a people pleaser. Usually, when you have guilt, it’s because you’ve done something wrong. Let me challenge you on something… is taking care of your needs wrong?
As a recovering people pleaser, I know how difficult the first “no” can be. This is why you need to start small. Over time, you will get more comfortable expressing your truth.
If someone gets mad at you because you say “no”, take a step back and reflect upon the importance of this friendship. How is it serving you to have someone like this in your life? People who respect and love you will be proud of you for standing up for what you need.
2. Pay Attention To Your Feelings
If something doesn’t feel good, then it isn’t good. Don’t shy away from listening to your gut. This is the ONLY thing that you should be listening to. Your intuition never lies.
People pleasing behaviors can become so deeply ingrained in your brain that you may not even be conscious that you are engaging in them. Pay attention to the negative feelings you experience after you engage in people-pleasing behaviors.
Suppressing your emotions will never serve you. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. No emotion is a bad emotion. It is merely a part of being human.
3. Rid Yourself Of Energy Vampires
If you are a people pleaser, you are at risk of being a victim to energy vampires. They are attracted to your niceness and thrive off of taking advantage of you.
In her book, Dodging Energy Vampires, Christiane Northrup, M.D. says that “highly sensitive people — or empaths — see life through the eyes of compassion and caring. As a result, they are the favored prey of vampires.”
We’ve all come across one at some point in our lives. They are friends, family members, bosses, or colleagues who suck your emotional energy. People pleasers get trapped by energy vampires and they are left feeling depleted and defeated.
Do you have a toxic person in your life who is constantly asking you for things, but not giving you anything in return? If so, it’s time for a relationship detox.
4. Set Aside Time In Your Schedule For You
People pleasers fall into the trap of spending their lives trying to please anyone and everyone. As you can imagine, this leaves no time for self-love.
Loving yourself isn’t a luxury. Rather, it’s a priority. If you don’t show up for yourself then how do you expect to show up for anyone else?
“Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity.” — Anonymous
As you start to break free from your people-pleasing patterns, make sure that you celebrate small wins. Doing so will slowly help to rebuild your self-esteem. I encourage you to create a self-love ritual where you set aside time every single day to honor what matters to you.
You can stop people pleasing and still be a nice person.
Make the decision from this moment on that you will give yourself the same love and attention that you so freely give to everyone else.
Today is the day to break the people pleasing cycle and take back control of your life. Are you ready to make yourself a priority?
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