A Reminder To Be Kinder To Ourselves

The other day, my friend texted me this:
“Do you ever like feel kinda burdened by the amount of paths laid out in front of you and how you stand staring at them never really committing to one? I’m at the National Portrait Gallery and I am literally gripped by this feeling that I keep on being possessed by alternate realities in which I’ve wholeheartedly pursued passion projects and not worried about the consequences. #deepthoughtoftheday”
Deep thoughts indeed.
I told him that yes, I do sometimes feel like that. And that it reminded me of the famous Sylvia Plath quote from her semi-autobiographical novel The Bell Jar:
I think, like my friend, we can all relate to Plath about that in some way or another.
But before we start despairing about life, let’s break things down for just one second and look at what Plath wanted, versus what she got.
She wanted to be a full time wife and mother, a poet, a professor, an editor, a traveller, a philosopher (or something?), an olympic champion and more. It sounds like a lot, right?
But actually, Plath achieved almost all of these. She became one of the most celebrated thinkers, poets and writers of our time. She became an academic professor and an editor. She became a wife and mother. She travelled Europe. All by the time she was 30.
Looking at the big picture of her life, Plath overwhelmed herself. But little could she know that her dreams would indeed come true. And little did she know how much more complicated it would be than simply ‘picking a plum’ so to speak.
Here’s what I take from Plath. And this is the advice I would give my friend.
1. Take incremental steps
Plath became a poet, because she wrote poetry. She became one of the most celebrated writers and thinkers, because she wrote. A lot. Any successful person will tell you that you can only achieve ‘being’ through ‘doing’. And although Plath couldn’t see it at the time, every piece of writing she wrote was making her a better writer, and establishing her in the literary world. Rather than picking a whole plum, she was sewing seeds to create plum trees which will grow forever. In other words — don’t let your dreams overwhelm you. Take baby steps, and ‘be by doing’.
2. Accept that you don’t always have control
Plath wanted to be a wife and a mother, and she became both those things. In some ways, they’re relatively easy dreams to achieve for most women. But what she couldn’t achieve was a happy marriage — her husband eventually left her for a family friend, and four months later Plath committed suicide. Her children weren’t happy either, and her son committed suicide too. Depression no doubt played a huge role in this. But it also shows us that no matter how much you try to plan life, you can’t. Sometimes life just ‘happens’. No matter how hard you pursue your dreams.
3. Achieving one’s goals comes easier for some people
Plath wanted to travel Europe, and she did. But she never managed to travel South America or Africa. This is completely down to circumstance. It simply wasn’t as easy to travel the world in the twentieth century as it is today. She was lucky to have even travelled Europe — many people of her time would not have even had the means. And the same can be said for today — if you’re rich, or have few familial or financial responsibilities, it’s much easier to travel. It’s a dream, but it’s also a luxury. And it would be unfair to berate yourself for not achieving a dream that is so dependent on circumstance and privilege.
4. Be kinder to yourself
With all this in mind, remember to cut yourself some slack. Sometimes, you can’t be or have everything you want in life. Especially not all at once. Achievements also aren’t always the most important things. Even after getting what she wanted, Plath lacked the one thing that would have made it all worth it — happiness.
Yes, life can seem totally overwhelming sometimes. There are always infinite different paths we can take. And social media makes us even more aware of that everyday.
But instead of bemoaning what we could have been, let’s take a moment and appreciate who we are. We may not be able to control every turn our life takes, but we can control our perception of it. And if I were my friend (who, by the way, is an extremely well-travelled, multi-lingual, multi-talented, intelligent and hilarious human and a great friend), I would be extremely proud of what I have achieved.
#Blog 4
