How is it I still feel guilty?
I told him he no longer has any power over me. I know my shortcomings. I know his. The difference between us that I accept mine. I didn’t blame him for mine.
Our HEA began its end before he and C.U. Next Tuesday ever met. Every fight we had, every argument, every spat… I always felt the guilt. Maybe it’s because I’m Catholic, it just comes naturally. Maybe it’s because I felt like I should keep the peace. And by keeping the peace I ended up trading my dignity and self respect every time I said I was sorry, even though the war of words wasn’t my fault. Finally, I told myself I was done saying I’m sorry. I refused to do it. That’s when I realized our HEA may be in jeopardy: when he couldn’t come to me with humility and admit his wrong doing.
Fast forward. I’ve told him he no longer has power over me. He can’t make me feel guilty anymore. But why do I? I so badly want to think that if I am polite and respectful this sitation will be better. Time after time, I still feel the need to say I’m sorry.
Then, and even now, I feel like the wife in Good Fellas when she tries to shoot her husband: laying on the ground screaming and sobbing “I’M SORRY!”.
So when will I stop feeling guilty over someone who has no power over me? Over a situation that I didn’t cause?