Boundaries and Bridges
3 Easy Ways to Set a Boundary Without Learning to Say “No” (You Can Start Today)
Less pressure. Less guilt. More time for you.
Are you the go-to person for a few too many people? Do you end up doing more for others than you could ever do for yourself?
If you’ve made it to the bottom of your own priority list, well-meaning friends and family have probably told you to learn to say “no”. They make it sounds so easy, don’t they?
Just. Say. No.
But what’s easy for them isn’t easy for everyone.
Fortunately, I have some good news. While “no” may be a complete sentence, it isn’t the only way to get what you need. Sure, you should learn how to say it. But not today. Today we’ll look at some less stressful ways to get what you need.
Different Strokes for Different Folks
Let’s be honest. Some of us are givers, some are takers, and some even manage to find the balance. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to put some distance between you and those takers.
Strategy #1: Create Some Distance from the Takers
There are all kinds of “distance”; make use of as many as you can!
You already know how to create physical distance: duck around the corner, dash off to the ladies’ room (I know, it’s so cliché — but it works, at least on men!), or suddenly discover someone you must talk to. Now. Before they disappear. Forever.
But there are other, more subtle, kinds of distance.
I recently read about someone who wears earphones (not earbuds) at his desk. He’s not listening to anything in particular, but it gives people the impression he is — and it creates a certain emotional distance. Most people feel uncomfortable approaching him unless it’s important, which is exactly what he wants.
You can create another type of distance by making yourself less available. These days, most of us ignore calls from unknown numbers; we don’t want to waste our time on marketing calls. Why not apply that strategy to the takers in your life?
Joe only calls when he wants a last-minute favor. And no matter how much you do for him, he’s never available to reciprocate. So why answer his calls? If you feel you must get back to him, wait a few hours (or overnight if you can). By then, the latest crisis will have passed.
Of course, not everyone waits until the last minute. But this tactic can still be useful, especially with people who haven’t told you what they want. That’s because most people would rather speak to you personally when they’re asking for a favor. They know they can be much more persuasive in a conversation than in a message.
And they’re right, aren’t they? That’s why you want to avoid that conversation.
The trick here is to pretend you think they were just being friendly. Wait a few hours (or longer) and text them back with a “How’s it going?” kind of message. Tell them how great it is to hear from them and to say “hi” to the wife and kids (or their drinking buddies, their hamster, or whoever).
If you start doing this regularly, some of those takers will move on to someone else. You’ll still have to deal with the rest, but at least you’ll have made some progress.
Strategy #2: “Casually” Mention Your Boundaries Before You Need Them
This strategy is perfect for people who care about you but may not know your limits. If your friend has no problem sharing the details of her bank balance and her sex life, she may assume you are, too. Don’t wait for her to ask how much you make or whether the sex with your new guy is as hot as he is. Find a more comfortable way to bring up your boundaries before they can come between you.
Often the best way to do that is by being low-key but direct. For example, you could say something like this:
“It’s great how comfortable you are talking about your sex life. I’ve always been a private person, so I don’t share the details of mine.”
These strategies are the “ounce of prevention” that’s worth a pound of cure. But what do you do when it’s too late for that? How do you refuse someone without saying “no”?
Strategy #3: Stay Positive.
The nicest way I know to set a boundary without saying “no” is to focus on the positive. That means telling people what you can do.
Your friend calls you at lunch to ask if you can take her shopping after dinner tonight. She’s having car trouble, and you want to help. But you hate going out after dinner. Once you’re done for the day, you’re done!
So how do you set that boundary without saying “no”? Make another offer. Tell her you’re going shopping on your way home from work and you’d be happy to pick her up on the way. Everyone gets what they want, and the word “no” never crossed your lips.
This is a great approach with folks who love and respect you. People often ask for something specific when really all they need is a solution to their problem.
Your boundaries won’t set themselves….
As much as we’d like to, we can’t put our boundaries on autopilot. But with a little advance planning — and a bit of luck — you can set some of them so smoothly that it almost feels that way. As for the rest — well, your friends and family did have a point. “No” is a complete sentence, and at some point, you should learn to say it. Until then, I hope these strategies make your life easier.
