Penny Dreams

As I walked to the subway this morning I watched a leaf fall from a tree. When I think of falling I tend to think of a straight line that ends with a concrete force. Like dropping a penny off the empire state building. When a leaf falls, it floats down. It rests on the arms of the wind to bring it safely down. It is not straight down, it swirls and flips and rocks back and forth to the rhythm of the wind.

The subway slowed towards 42nd Street, I put my book back into my bag. I glanced across from me to see a woman to the left, a man to the right a penny in the center. I felt like it was staring at me. Like it wanted me to notice it, appreciate it being there. How did it get there? Who left it there? Where will it end up? Will a little kid stick it in his nose? Or will a homeless guy snatch it up with hopeful intentions of future prosperity? Or will it fall through a crack without anyone else noticing it? Everything continues to exist once it is out of our frame of reference. I feel that we get so caught up in our individualistic surroundings sometimes, we forget how it is merely a single frame in a global expanse. We have such a gift to be able to see the world however we choose to. That is also the catch though. You must actively decide what you want to see or what you don’t want to see. Will you allow pessimism and fear overrun you? Or will you allow the beauty of the unknown and love sweep you into a blissful creation of reality?

As the waterfalls get turned on within the concrete park, the difference in the air is magnificent. The natural breeze is combined with the misty air that radiates from the falls. The water cascades over the edge of the man made ledge and separates like strands of hairs leaving pockets of openness.

This is my favorite part of the day, getting to the waterfall before the crowds amass. Writing and reading, waiting to see him walk down the path. Or the mornings when I leave a little later and I walk down here and see him sitting reading or writing with that joyous smile. We are here, but we are also in so many other places. Switzerland, Belize, France. We run away together in our imaginations. We speak of a life together that we cant yet live but love to imagine. It is special. It is peaceful, it is where I always want to be. In our imaginations creating while sitting next to each other breathing, loving, being.

It is interesting how different this spot feels now. I resisted coming with you in the beginning because I knew we would be able to escape here together. While now I cant wait to get here, it is this exact feeling I was nervous to have because I don’t know where it is going to lead. But as in driving all you need to see is 3 feet in front of your face to make the whole journey. We have made this real. We are not able to fall freely into eachother because of all the what ifs that surround this relationship though. So I think that is our blessing and will allow us to build something sturdy, or that is what I hope. Hope as defined by Chesterton is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate. I like that. Sometimes the scariest thing in life is giving hope to something that seems so hopeless.

I sometimes feel like my heart is in the pit of my stomach when you are not around. Part of it is knowing the future or lack there of that awaits us. The reality I can’t swallow, the imaginary life we created which I chug like I am dehydrated. The long distances and patient nights apart we will have to endure to even have the possibility of being together one day. And there is no guarantee just a hope. A hope in me and a hope in you that we both continue to hope for each other.