9 Last Minute Topical Halloween Costumes for 2019

Stef Dag
Stef Dag
Oct 29, 2019 · 2 min read

It’s upon us…Halloweekend! And you’re not the only one who forgot to think of a costume. Here are some topical alternatives to cat ears since they seemingly look cute on everyone but you(?):


This app is as hot in the cultural zeitgeist as you are headed, you fucking Aries, you. This costume is the cheapest on our list, requiring no actual outfit and just you screaming vague yet oddly specific and hurtful phrases at people such as, “Think before you speak…because everything you say is wrong,” and “Don’t forget to reflect on your past…over and over again you anxious disaster of a human,” and even, “Let go of what no longer serves you…including that cheeseburger.”

Man on Tinder

Walk around holding a rubber salmon just big enough that you seem like an impressive fisher, but just small enough that we can’t tell you’re 5’4.


We all love to hate ’em, but you have to admit you look fucking cute in a scrunchie. Dust off your Hydro Flask and shortest short shorts, as well as your eating disorder from 9th grade. If you’re going for retro vibes, you’re going all the way baby!!!

Ineffective Climate Activist

Wear reflective, silver clothing — to emulate a metal straw — and pass out paper pamphlets about deforestation.

Pre-Existing Condition

Trump took away your healthcare, but he didn’t take away your affinity for arts and crafts! Get your ‘lil tush to Michael’s, but not before stopping at your local Urgent Care to get that thing on your back checked out. Use whatever you didn’t spend on your astronomically high copay on some glitter and poster board. It doesn’t matter what you do with it — you’ll be too sick to go out on Halloween anyway.

Tampon You Found at the Bottom of the Your Backpack

Wear ripped jeans and stick pencil lead and loose pieces of gum all over your body. Confused how pencil lead got in your backpack when you haven’t handwritten anything in your life, you spookily inept Gen Z-er? We are too, but let’s be honest, you’re sticking that thing in anyway because Diva Cups scare you.

Seasonal Depression

Wrap yourself in an infinity scarf so tight you almost choke to death. Almost.

Stall Door Gap in the Women’s Restroom

Wear your pants around your ankles and hold shameful eye contact with everyone you pass. Bonus points if you’re wearing a romper and have to stare at your acquaintances with both of your tits out.


Go method with this costume, as you pair your favorite charcoal face mask with a bottle of Merlot and just stay home. You’re painfully awkward at social gatherings and you’re doing everyone, especially yourself, a giant favor by remaining isolated. Co-Star said so anyway.

Stef Dag

Written by

Stef Dag

I tell jokes around NYC & write for Condé Nast Entertainment. I am Lady Turd.

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