Stef Dag
Stef Dag
Sep 4, 2018 · 2 min read

#MorningMeditation for the #ModernWoman

7:00am-7:45am: Slowly open your eyes. Scroll through Instagram 3 inches away from your face and administer an unhealthy dose of LED light and FOMO directly into your pores.

7:45am-8:00am: Close Instagram and deeply ponder what’s new on Instagram since you left.

8:00–8:30am: Meditate on your follow to follower ratio and calculate what absolute minimum amount of time is necessary to get ready for work. If I only brush my bottom teeth that gives me at least 45 more seconds of sleep.

8:30–9:00am: Open and close Instagram repeatedly in a seizure-like trance while repeating your mantralolololololololol”

9:00am-9:01am: Brush your bottom teeth, never losing focus on your (rancid) breath.

9:01–9:33: Acknowledge life’s cycles. Get dressed and get back into bed. Open Facebook and melodically hum to yourself in the reflection of your screen “You are better than 99% of the people you went to high school with.”

9:33–10:40: Set your intention during your morning commute while refreshing your Instagram feed 5–75 times per minute. Ask yourself those big, spiritually resounding questions: Why didn’t he like my post from this weekend? What’s Instagram’s new algorithm?? If he shows up first on my story’s viewer list does that mean he visits my page a lot??? Do my posts have a cohesive color palette? Should I be using Pinterest to drive more traffic to my social channels?! Intention for the day: Find out.

10:40–11:15am: Show up late to work and open your throat chakra to tell a convincing lie to your boss about why. Sit down at your desk and open Instagram on your desktop.

11:15am-12:00pm: Get into savasana. Literally. Like right under your desk. Ask your coworker to take a pic and post it on your Instagram story with the caption “Monday struggles.” That guy who’s attention you’re trying to get will definitely maybe DM you about it ’cause it’s pretty funny. Namastop whatever work you’re pretending to do and refresh your page until he does.

Stef Dag

Written by

Stef Dag

I tell jokes around NYC & write for Condé Nast Entertainment. I am Lady Turd.

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